DV from 16 year old son - how can I help him?

[Somethingtodo]

I have also posted this on teenagers www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2288906-Abusive-violent-son-What-to-do?

• but wanted some perspective around DV and what I should be doing - WA? Can I stop my son's DV...will he be an abuser all his life?

Oldest son has always been stubborn, moody, aggressive and antagonistic with the family. He is v social and charming out of the home. He frequently punched me, and verbally abuses me during his angry rages and smashes up my house.

My STBXH stood by and watched and I eventually went to the police and his school this time last year (back story here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker)

....he got a caution, the school were great and he has not punched me since.

We have now decided to separate after a long 30 year relationship. STBXH has moved out. Ds has taken this really badly (other 3 younger siblings were shocked, angry but have got on with it)....he is now raging with me standing over me growling, red faced, teeth clenched, dribbling saliva and punching me in the head repeatedly but pulling back just before contact (as he knows I will contact the police again). He has smashed up my home -- manhandles me by physically shoving me out of his room. He screams at his 8 year little sister and calls her a cunt because she drinks her water too loudly.

He has decided to rebel and self-sabotage his education (lower 6th) by not doing any work. He is drinking and has started smoking weed at the weekend.

I want to help him not punish him - what do I do.

I have guilt that our marriage was toxic and he heard too much anger and frustration from me - so this is what I deserve - reap what you sow etc.

spingydaffs yes I did look at your link to NVR methods and have made contact. Thank you it was very helpful and apologies for not acknowledging that in my post.

Please can you indicate where you perceive I should have responded tp posters.

Rebecca has voiced what I was thinking. What will he do to future partners? He would have carte blanche to do whatever he wants. There would be nothing stopping him.

I don't think it's sensible to put the OP off CAMHS, as with any mental health services people are going to have good and bad experiences.

The son needs a full assessment asap to rule out incipient mental illnesses/personality disorders, anxiety disorders, neurological disorders etc. It may be that there are mental health issues present that must be dealt with in tandem the violent behaviour.

I wouldn't personally suggest going private unless you have not been able to get what you need out of the existing NHS services.

I agree with Rebecca that it's absolutely crucial that he gets intervention now otherwise he could well be facing domestic violence charges in the future.

The key to this is he lack of willingness to accept responsibility. This is not clear in your letter (well written though it is).

You have identified that he blames you.
This is what underlies abusive behaviour. The abuser cannot accept that they are not the victim and that others don't deserve bad treatment.

I think he is still young enough to change. How many of us are the same person we were at that age?

But the key is that he realises he is responsible for his own actions. Not only that, in the long run it is he who will suffer the consequences.

For that reason you can't fix him. That takes his responsibility away. If he shouts at you and tries to argue with you, walk away. Don't engage.

This will be tough. It is hard not to do everything you can for your dcs. But this is one he has to do for himself. I wish you, and him, luck.

Also, have a look at the EA support thread. Useful links there including one on how to know if your abuser has or can changed. And consider reading Lundy Bancroft.

I also wonder if watching something like murdered by my boyfriend might shock him into realising how these things can spiral. There were no winners in that situation.

If I contact GP and school are the obliged to contact police and SS?

If they consider it a Safeguarding matter, then yes.

How would they determine this?

If they considered there was any emotional or physical threat to your other children, they are duty bound to report it.

In my experience, from what you said in your initial post, I would consider this to be a safeguarding issue and I would refer to social services.

Thank you Random - that is really helpful to know. May I ask if your experience is as professional connected to family services or as a parent using services.

As a professional. I've made a few referrals in my time. The GP or school will not investigate anything, their duty is to pass on their concerns via a referral to those who lead in safeguarding in your area. That is usually SS. SS then do the investigating, and decide to go forward or close the case.

You have identified that he blames you.
This is what underlies abusive behaviour. The abuser cannot accept that they are not the victim and that others don't deserve bad treatment

I agree with this, one hundred percent. That is why I think the OP has to put any feelings of guilt out of her mind, as our children pick up on that and it just reinforces their refusal to take responsability for their actions. And that also why sending him to any counsellor who encourages him to blame his parents would be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

I can't help thinking that the right place of him would be Neurotics Anonymous, but as he would have to go voluntarily, that is probably pie in the sky. So maybe Al Anon would be helpful for the OP.

Thanks Random

Why would it be better to wait till he's off to uni OP? He'll punch someone there, get charged, get kicked out and be back home furious. Get as much done as possible while he's still a minor - much easier for him to (hopefully) put behind him in the future...

MinkGrundy please can you tell more about this: that if they can't accept responsibility, then they can't be changed.

I agree with this. Totally. No one can be changed if they blame others all the time. What books do you recommend?
What links do the EA threads suggest?

longtalljosie think you have got the wrong end of the stick - I never said I wanted to wait until he's off to uni....I said

"I want to focus the next 18 months fixing him and packing him off to uni"

EA thread links are at the top.

Lundy Bancroft why does he do that is an excellent book for those in abusive situations.

The link upthread to respect is afaik the best place to start for abusers.

Hth

The EA thread itself is a great source of non judgemental support, advice and hand holding. Does not appear to be as active as it was a couple of years ago but it is a very valuable thread.

There are excellent resources here.

www.dvip.org/for-young-people.htm

dvip.org/assets/files/downloads/Yuva%20Hammersmith%20postcard.pdf

How are your other children something? it has got to be very frightening for them to see their mother threatened like this. Has he ever threatened them directly too?

I hope they are okay.

They do look like excellent resources - my question is whether you think your son will absorb any of it and/or act on it?

You mentioned up thread that you had emailed the school. How quickly do you think they will respond?

Just to clarify as well from my earlier post (and others have shown how the system works) that you do indeed need to go through the correct channels to access the mental health services - my concern of earlier was that the system is in such crisis that you won't get the help or support you and your son need, let alone in a timely manner, and not to rely on that too heavily as a potential solution. Also if he is using drugs or alcohol that may add a delay. I do worry in the UK the solution is to pescribe drugs and not really address some of the root causes. Your issues are also multi-faceted and I guess require intervention on a number of levels outside of mental health. So in a long winded way I am suggesting you have a number of different fronts/strategies to tackle this. Apologies for not being clearer before.

There is some great advice on this thread and you sound determined to stick to your guns which is already a very important step. Good luck with the coming week.

thank you Grundy.
I have posted.

The other children have not seen the assaults but have heard the rows, seen him throwing chairs, smashing in doors, screaming etc for many years.

They just keep out of his way. He often throws a tantrum at dinner by huffing off with his plate to his room on the rare times he sits with us if anyone eats with mouth full/open/noisy.....or there is even a slight disagreement or negative tone of voice between others.

Dc3 - is sen with very difficult behaviour problems (is under CAMHS) - she is v demanding and a real bully - and he had been a target and victim of her verbal abuse for years - he just had to walk in the kitchen and she would insult him - he has a lot of repressed anger as I would tell him to walk away on take it on board as she has issues and then I would try to manage her.
He has hit her once and she since cut the verbal abuse (to him).

My latest discussions with him last night (I will not give him the letter - but use it as a simple message script to keep repeating) - are him saying that Dc3 behaves badly, I dont manager her, I accept her behaviour so therefore he can - and that I havent dealt with her - and why have I not called the police and moved her out?

He has a point - but it is another way to justify his behaviour. I tell him that 2 wrongs dont make a right.

He says that he will not behave badly again and accepts that I will call police and move him out if he does. But he still has a justification loop running in his head.

I said that I was worried he would be an abusive partner - he said he wouldnt be as he would behave better with that person as would like/love them whereas he doesnt have a good relationship with me so that is why this happened...? I tell I love him everyday and he responds that he loves me to.

I am seeing the school counsellor today at noon.