DV from 16 year old son - how can I help him?

[Somethingtodo]

I have also posted this on teenagers www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2288906-Abusive-violent-son-What-to-do?

• but wanted some perspective around DV and what I should be doing - WA? Can I stop my son's DV...will he be an abuser all his life?

Oldest son has always been stubborn, moody, aggressive and antagonistic with the family. He is v social and charming out of the home. He frequently punched me, and verbally abuses me during his angry rages and smashes up my house.

My STBXH stood by and watched and I eventually went to the police and his school this time last year (back story here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker)

....he got a caution, the school were great and he has not punched me since.

We have now decided to separate after a long 30 year relationship. STBXH has moved out. Ds has taken this really badly (other 3 younger siblings were shocked, angry but have got on with it)....he is now raging with me standing over me growling, red faced, teeth clenched, dribbling saliva and punching me in the head repeatedly but pulling back just before contact (as he knows I will contact the police again). He has smashed up my home -- manhandles me by physically shoving me out of his room. He screams at his 8 year little sister and calls her a cunt because she drinks her water too loudly.

He has decided to rebel and self-sabotage his education (lower 6th) by not doing any work. He is drinking and has started smoking weed at the weekend.

I want to help him not punish him - what do I do.

I have guilt that our marriage was toxic and he heard too much anger and frustration from me - so this is what I deserve - reap what you sow etc.

OP, you've done really well. I've been reading this thread and am so impressed by how you've handled this.

What I did want to say is: you are going to need to draw that line. Because I don't think anything else will work to make him reflect and stop. Be prepared to do it - try, if you can, to think your way through how it might feel, because it will help you to deal with it when it happens.

I think your intuition that he will make an abusive partner if he doesn't stop is spot on. He clearly feels a lot of rage and frustration and finding a way for him to talk about this, and to find techniques to manage it, is vital.

Gosh you have so much on your plate.

It is so difficult to accept as a child/young person the complexities of SEN and how turfing them out is not a solution. My cousin has severe Aspergers and it was difficult for his younger brother growing up to deal with. My aunt also had a fuckwit husband who she kicked to the kerb finally whilst he was in A levels that added pressure to him. He wasn't violent like your son but he did become very withdrawn and went to stay with another aunt for the better part of a year. His grades tanked for a while but they did recover and they all as a family now have a great relationship. There is hope.

Would it be right to say that DC3 is not really in control of their behaviour as he is and the two situations can't be compared? You are right to press home that message that the two wrongs don't make a right. I am sad that he may have learned that hitting someone then silenced them and he thinks he can use that violent behaviour again whenever something happens that hurts/offends him.

Hope it goes well with the school counsellor.

Yes I have said to him - that you know dc3 has MH issues and is under CAHMS - if you think you have the same problem or another MH problem then lets get it diagnosed with a psych - he is not having any of that.

then if he is so absolutely sure he does not have a MH health then is it possible to say there is no excuse!

Does he realise that being in a partnership is not all roses? there will be times he as angry then as he is with you / his siblings and how he reacts now is laying down the groundwork for how he reacts then.

MH issues aren't like having a cold - you can't ask someone if they have them in that way!

Regardless of whether he has a diagnosable MH condition, he needs help and support and to learn tools and techniques to enable him to function without resorting to violence.

He is 16 years old and he's living with you, it's not up to him whether he has his mental health issues diagnosed. You still need to go to the GP and move forward with that.

As regards relationships, he's 16 and he's never been in one. He thinks naively that he'd love his partner and they wouldn't annoy him. He has significant problems and he doesn't realise that all of those problems will be played out in every relationship he's in. He will get just as angry with a gf as he does with you and the dislike he claims to feel for you will simply be projected onto the gf.

When his current behaviour manifests in friendships and relationships he will simply blame other people for provoking it. It's extremely important that the self-justification loop is challenged now before it gets ingrained.

He must get support now OP, he needs a full psychiatric assessment and support to address his violent patterns.

I have been to school today - counsellor & head of 6th form were v helpful and supportive. He is a happy social model pupil who has thrown himself into is A level subjects is their feedback.....at least he is happy at school for now.

They met with him last week and said he is massively angry and frustrated by the separation and most of his vitriol is directed specifically at me (no surprise - I have had to be the bad cop all his life as STBXH only contribution has been to undermine and boundaries I put in place. They say it is all about his need for control and will work on anger management and respectful relationships with him. They will not say that I have been but in a few weeks suggest to him that I come in to a session.

They worked with him last year when he was cautioned and said that his problems were not uncommon - and that he needed proper male role models to learn how to behave.

The MH part is me pushing him to see if he is in control - he clearly is as he has never shown an aggressive side out of the home before. But I am sure he can still have a MH issue and be in control - so I will get him assessed as well. I will also ensure he accesses the respect programme.

But glad to make progress today. He is now sitting on the sofa in the kitchen reading while I cook supper and MN - this is unheard of - he has barely been out of his room for 3 years. I think calling time (belatedly) on toxic marriage will pay off. Though I will be ever vigilant. Thanks to you all for holding my hand through this - I am forever grateful.

something are there areas of his life where he does feel he's in control?

this may be pure psychobabble but Im wondering if he is in desperate need of firm unbreakable boundaries but also if he feels both powerless personally and at the same time as if he can control you by the threats of violence and by the abuse.

this may be way off beam!

I'm just wondering if an outside interest would help, one where he could get a measure of responsibility and respect from both peers and adults ... scouting he is probably too old for, but something similar. The junior version of the fire brigade or something .... there must be something.

Just a thought ...

Meerka - he has a very varied, privileged and busy life.

He does lots of drama and is in many school productions as well as TV, theatre and film work which is both intense and requires commitment and responsibility. He also runs a drama group for younger kids.

He also does lots of sport - in 1st teams at school (footie & rugby), plays for a football club outside school and does a lot of skateboarding and snowboarding with friends.

He is popular, has many friends who he sees socially from school and other schools - and lots of fun.

Oh goodness, then yes, lots of responsibility and respect already there.

You sound well off so it make more sense to pay for appropriate support yourself. NHS MH services are appallingly funded, therefore appallingly stretched. If you can pay for it yourself then please do.

Of course we should expect the NHS to step up in a crisis but it simply doesn't when it comes to MH. Better to leave the resources for those who are faced with similar circumstances and have no hope of funding support themselves.

There is also the little matter of private therapy not appearing on NHS records.

springydaffs

Really very offended by your recent post.

Why have you assumed I am well off and why are you directing me to pay for private MH services?

Oh? See above post. I think it's all explained there.

How long has this been going on for? I think you say it's been about 3 years? Were you wiaitng for NHS to step up all that time? It sounds like they didn't step up but that's because they don't, because there's no, or very little. funding in NHS MH.

Which is why I say if you have the means please do pay for it privately. We should all have conclusive MH care on the NHS but the reality is we don't. Because there is very little funding - decreasing as we speak.

Anyway, I'm repeating the above post. I'm not sure why you would be offended.

Everyone is entitled to NHS care. If the better off have to go private, then the NHS will suffer. It will be seen as a safety net for the poor instead of a national service that we all have a stake in. It's not the OPs fault that the MH services are overstretched and a bit crap. That is the fault of government alone.

If you mean you're offended that the NHS doesn't cover our mental health then I'm with you on that!

Of course everyone is entitled to NHS care! Just that the MH budget is miniscule [and rather worse than 'a bit crap' imo] and MH care SIMPLY ISN'T THERE. So what are you going to do if the care you need isn't there? If you can, you pay for it yourself.

Springydaffs - you still have not answered my question.....

Why do you assume I am wealthy?

What gives you the right to direct me to go private and leave NHS resources for others?

"Better to leave the resources for those who are faced with similar circumstances and have no hope of funding support themselves."

WTF

Offensive

Well, clearly, this has hit something here.

Yes, I do believe that if people can afford private therapy then they should do so, leaving what is left - the threadbare rag that is NHS MH care - to those who have no other hope. As it is, the no-hopers are left with a service that is ineffectual to the point of harmful. So, yes, leave the service to them. Lucky them.

Are you wealthy?

you still have not answered my question.....

Why do you assume I am wealthy?

What gives you the right to direct me to go private and leave NHS resources for others?

Op I am glad you had a good session with the counsellor. How is your son being at the moment? And how are you?

livingz - I am doing fine - thanks for your concern and support throughout.

DS is fine - no new incidents to report - all calm so far. He is seeing school counsellor on wednesdays and I have appt with GP for CAMHS ref on Fri.

Nothing gives me the right, except a forum where opinions are generally par for the course, the whole point of said forum.

Opinions can hit a nerve, of course. A rich nerve.

It is not me who thinks OP's wealth is my business. It is OP who thinks her wealth, or otherwise, is my business. I couldn't care one way or the other.