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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Abusive, violent son. What to do?

47 replies

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 10:55

Oldest son has always been stubborn, moody, aggressive and antagonistic with the family. He is v social and charming out of the home. He frequently punched me, and verbally abuses me during his angry rages and smashes up my house.

My STBXH stood by and watched and I eventually went to the police and his school this time last year (back story here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker)

....he got a caution, the school were great and he has not punched me since.

We have now decided to separate after a long 30 year relationship. STBXH has moved out. Ds has taken this really badly (other 3 younger siblings were shocked, angry but have got on with it)....he is now raging with me standing over me growling, red faced, teeth clenched, dribbling saliva and punching me in the head repeatedly but pulling back just before contact (as he knows I will contact the police again). He has smashed up my home -- manhandles me by physically shoving me out of his room. He screams at his 8 year little sister and calls her a cunt because she drinks her water too loudly.

He has decided to rebel and self-sabotage his education (lower 6th) by not doing any work. He is drinking and has started smoking weed at the weekend.

I want to help him not punish him - what do I do.

I have guilt that our marriage was toxic and he heard too much anger and frustration from me - so this is what I deserve - reap what you sow etc.

OP posts:

Report

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/01/2015 11:10

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need to call the police again I'm afraid, to protect yourself and your other children. I know how hard it is.

This is the only way to help him too.

Miggsie · 22/01/2015 11:13

He needs help with his emotions - this requires a professional and he has to be willing to do it.

Anger Management is a term much thrown about but he needs to master all his emotions - right now he is lashing out and distracting himself by using narcotics. All this is very unhealthy for you and him.

Somehow he has to be persuaded to go for help to process his anger and pain.

Heyho111 · 22/01/2015 11:15

You do need to contact the police again because he is abusing you and his siblings. But also he needs help. He needs psychological help through child psychology or camhs. He seems to have emotions he is having difficulty controlling. Perhaps he should live with dad for a while as well. Please take him to your gp to get help for him.

bettyboop1970 · 22/01/2015 11:40

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This young man is a danger to you and your younger DC's. I know you don't want to punish him but you need professional help, and fast. Can he live with his dad?
Has he had any help in the past, like cahms?
I hope someone comes along with some advice.

DeliciousMonster · 22/01/2015 11:44

Kick him out to go live with his dad love. You do not need this in your life.

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 11:52

His Dad is a disaster - I might as well throw him to the lions/off the pier (see OP on link above). His Dad is currently living with his alcoholic mother in her filthy one bed flat.

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Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 11:53

I feel a responsibility for his behaviour as our marriage has been toxic - I feel I am to blame for his behaviour and I want to fix it.

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Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 12:00

I dont know why i am cutting him slack, taking the blame for his violence - the other 3 do not behave like this.

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bettyboop1970 · 22/01/2015 12:06

How old is he?

Sprinkfest · 22/01/2015 12:07

They might no behave like this now but what about in future, seeing as how they have a prime example of what they can get away with.

He needs to go somewhere else. I'm sorry for his troubles but you are being physically threatened and his words to your daughter are unconscionable. She's 8; what message is she getting here?

PossumPoo · 22/01/2015 12:11

Agree with Delicious. Not only for your sake but other DC too.

My Dsis was not violent but she went massively off the rails and left home when l was 16. It was so nice to have a calm home again.

There is no excuse for him calling your DD a cunt because she drinks to loud. Please dont allow him to speak like this to her (or the others)

You need a bit of tough love here. You have yourself and other DC to consider. He does not get to trump everyone.

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 12:45

He is 16. I dont know what consequences to put in place as he does not comply with anything. Should I have some sympathy for the pain he is feeling?

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whattodoforthebest2 · 22/01/2015 12:57

I would say that you obviously have sympathy for his hurt, but you need to demonstrate what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour, otherwise your other DC will follow suit (not necessarily with the same behaviour but something else). I have had to do this with DS1 and a couple of years down the line, DS2 and DD are very aware of how far I allowed myself to be pushed. I could not have kept the family intact if I'd let him take control. My MH would have suffered badly too.

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 13:00

whattodo....that is a good distinction and has helped me see the wood for the trees - I do have sympathy for his pain and hurt and I will take responsibility for finding out about help - but this does not mean that I am have sympathy or condone for is anger/violence/abuse.

How did you take back control?

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Chilicosrenegade · 22/01/2015 13:02

Sympathy is a strong emotion. Not a weak one. Sympathy doesn't mean letting someone else stomp all over you.

If your kids see dc1 'getting away' with this they will follow.

I'd be arranging a mtg at school. Advising them of situation and asking if any social assistance can happen via pastoral care.

I'd also be calling police.

whattodoforthebest2 · 22/01/2015 13:13

This has happened twice. The first time, he was 18, I had to send him to stay with his father. He treated me like dirt, stole money, had no respect at all and the tension at home was unbearable. Tbh we all felt very different while he was away, we missed his presence, but the house was so much calmer and actually we all got on better during that time. The second time, more recently, I suggested he move out as he wasn't pulling his weight at home, taking lots of things for granted and generally thinking he was entitled to special treatment. He's living elsewhere now and generally we get on ok, but I'm disappointed that we've ended up like this.

I know you don't have the option of sending him to his dad's. Is there any other family that would have him? I'm guessing it's just you that gets this awful treatment, so maybe an aunt/uncle would be prepared to step in for a while? It's amazing how charming they can be with others when you're getting dumped on big-time.

UniversityOfMotherhood · 22/01/2015 13:14

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for you and your family, this is an awful situation. The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself and free yourself from the guilt you feel. When you feel guilty about the past you are always more lenient on them (from my own experience).
Be honest with your son, tell him you have made mistakes you have made some bad decisions but that does not allow him to behave or treat you as he does. The past doesn't matter, make this a new start for you and your children. It is your home, not his, you are the one in charge not him. Try and get some help for your son, maybe he would benefit from talking to someone.
I have a son of 20 yrs old and I had to take back control of my home it wasn't easy, ultimately my son moved out as he would not obey my house rules which were few and fair ones. We are fine now and have a great relationship but it was a long hard road for awhile.
Please don't allow him to treat you like this, you don't deserve it and neither do your other DC.
Hugs x

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 13:32

Thanks What and Uni - I really dont allow him to do this - I am a strong feisty woman - but I have no effect on him.

It looks like my only option to take back control of the home is to move him out - as he will not comply.

He will see this as me ruining his life even further - chucking out his Dad and now him. I am not sure I can do it yet. I have emailed the school and detailed exactly what is going on. Waiting to here back. Will contact the GP. I do not want to go back to the police - yet - as he has not crossed a line - he does not see the manhandling as assault - but I will tell him it is and that if he does it again I will call the police.

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wigglybeezer · 22/01/2015 13:41

I don't have a lot to add to what others are saying but I would just ask if other family members eating noises/ breathing noises/ small sounds and repetitive movements are something that generally triggers rage in your son it might be worth looking up Misophonia, as, after much turmoil and failed family therapy we finally worked out that this is what was behind some of my teenagers angry outbursts and avoidant, antisocial, behaviour, (not the only factor, life is rarely that simple!).

whattodoforthebest2 · 22/01/2015 15:34

He may call it 'you ruining his life', but what he's doing is causing chaos and torment to you and your other DC. He needs to understand that you do not have to put up with it and that if he persists you will take action. It's awful when push comes to shove and you have to follow through, but it really is the only way. If, indeed, your ex moved out because you told him to, then that was because his behaviour was unacceptable too. He needs to learn that, as head of the household, you make the rules.

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 18:16

wiggly - that is really interesting - he is v social and charming out of the house but the opposite in the house - he has only recently started coming out of his room to eat at the table with us and we have had him down as intolerant and hyper-sensitive/volatile - which he is - but he does flip with noise - the girls singing, whining etc

what - you are right I need to get him out if this continues.

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/01/2015 20:36

Hi Something

Please don't take the abuse and please try to separate your "guilt" about your relationship from your son's actions. He is responsible for his behaviour, no-one else.

I love my son deeply. But I won't be abused by him.

wigglybeezer · 23/01/2015 09:09

My son is different with friends and at school, misophonia is usually worse with close family members. Unfortunately as it took to long to work out the cause, DS had become very controlling and aggressive in order to avoid triggers, car journeys can be very bad! I now let him sit in the front for at least one leg of a journey and listen to music. I tread a fine line between making allowances and forcing him to adapt but acknowledging his issues has helped him control himself much better. He had no insight into what was setting him off, the anger seemed to shut off his higher reasoning.

Baddz · 23/01/2015 09:16

Call the police

MummyIsMagic79 · 23/01/2015 09:23

Throw him out your poor little 8 year old daughter, what must she be feeling? If either of my sons called my daughter that, and screamed at her, they would be out. Call the police and explain that he is threatening and being violently abusive. Your daughter will grow to think this is how a family behaves.

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