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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

RaisingMen · 20/01/2015 21:48

No, this isn't ok and I suspect he's making a play for your wife. Would she be happy if the situation were reversed? Does his wife know he bought your wife a bracelet?

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat with your wife, nip it in the bud now.

Lacoba66 · 20/01/2015 21:57

Right, so your wife asked him to "back off" and he's said that he "missed her".

Sorry, but that's a massive wake up call (for her in particular). It's not 'okay' with the amount of contact, especially if you have raised it as a concern and she is ignoring it.

Maybe ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

SexOrTaxRelief · 20/01/2015 22:02

Are you included in this friendship? Do you meet for coffee as a three or perhaps four, after work? Did she open the bracelet when alone or put it under the tree?

Oh, and there is the little thing about backing off. From what?

I cannot think of a single friend I have who I would text at 7am each morning and last thing at night, unless they were more than a friend. If she is not consciously and actively encouraging this sort of contact, if she thinks it is OK for this man to miss her to this apparent extent, then she is very, very naïve.

mynewpassion · 20/01/2015 22:05

Was it a nice bracelet? Because that seems like an inappropriate gift.

I would not be comfortable if it was my partner in your wife's situation

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 22:07

I did and she actually said she could understand how it looked, its at that point she told him to back off. Since then they have hardly seen each other, but the texting has remained. Im aware he is continually asking her to meet. The problem is she thinks this is just a freindship so appears to be trying to keep hold of it. Im at a point now where i feel i may need to step in. That will create issues though, she will probably rightly question trust & also i cant decide who she is "friends" with.

OP posts:

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 22:11

It was fairly nice, not gold or silver though, but its besides the point.

OP posts:

SexOrTaxRelief · 20/01/2015 22:17

I am confused. Is she;

A) Telling him to back off
B) Encouraging the friendship

If she is saying A) but is doing B), then does this resolve your trust issue?

TalkingintheDark · 20/01/2015 22:17

Isn't the book by Shirley glass always recommended in these situations? Not just friends, I think, I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong!

You're right to be worried. It sounds ominous, especially the texting first thing till last.

GoatsDoRoam · 20/01/2015 22:25

They may not yet have shagged, allowing your wife to claim that "there's nothing", but it certainly sounds like an emotional affair.

Have you seen the texts? Does it seem like she is directing the support, closeness and intimacy one normally gets inside a marriage, to this guy?

Do you feel that you are losing out on closeness with your wife?

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass might be useful to both of you.

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 22:27

She basically wants to be friends, she honestly thinks thats all he is after, but i can see that is not the case. I told her im worried she has/will become emotionally attached beyond whats considered a normal friendship. Being blunt, an emotional affair is possibly worse than a physical one, but the physical aspect usually follows anyhow.

OP posts:

meandjulio · 20/01/2015 22:32

I would be worried too.

peggyundercrackers · 20/01/2015 22:33

Meet the other guy and knock his head off.

GoatsDoRoam · 20/01/2015 22:35

She's a grown-up. She can choose whether to text a man from 7 a.m. till 11 p.m., or she can choose to set boundaries.

The other man is not alone in creating this situation.

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 22:36

I'd love to peggy, but it would create more problems. It sounds crazy, but if I step in I feel like I'm deciding this isnt going to happen, where as I need/want her to do it. Does that make sense.

OP posts:

SexOrTaxRelief · 20/01/2015 22:36

It's not normal. I would tell her that and ask to see the texts, because they may well indicate this. She can choose to show you or not. But there is a possibility that she is enjoying the start of 'something' new and wondering where it may lead, thinking that she can always back out when she wants, but either way, sounds like and emotional affair to me.

peggyundercrackers · 20/01/2015 22:46

It's ok for you to decide its not going to happen though. It's just a different kind of persuasion to speaking about it not happening.

GoatsDoRoam · 20/01/2015 22:46

It sounds crazy, but if I step in I feel like I'm deciding this isnt going to happen, where as I need/want her to do it. Does that make sense.

This makes complete sense.
It's her relationship with OM which is the problem; it's down to her to set limits to their interactions.

E.g. there can only be 20 texts between them every day if she chooses to respond.
If you intervene, then you are the controlling baddy.

It will be very difficult, though, for her to climb down from the pretense that this is all perfectly innocent and fine. (This is why a couple of us have recommended the Shirley Glass book.)

Your own scope of action is not in limiting how much she interacts with him, it's in deciding what behaviour you continue to accept from her.
She is disrespecting you and your marriage.
She can only continue to do so as long as you are prepared to stay in the marriage.

So you each have your own decision to make:

For her: how much does she want to interact with OM, knowing it is disrespectful to you and your marriage.
For you: how much do you want to stay with her, knowing she is disrespectful to you and your marriage.

Fairenuff · 20/01/2015 22:46

This is not appropriate at all. I think she does know this and is having some trouble letting go. So there is already an emotional attachment.

You need to talk to her and tell her that this friendship is making you unhappy and you want it to stop. Completely. No texting, no meeting up.

If she won't do that for you then you might need to question how important you are to her.

SexOrTaxRelief · 20/01/2015 22:49

And please stop thinking she is naïve......

CurlyWurlyCake · 20/01/2015 22:49

Is she taking your feelings into consideration at all, showing she cares about how her actions are making you feel?

You are right imo to feel you shouldn't have to step in and "warn" him off, your wife should want to make you know you are loved and secure.

Have you asked her why she wants him to be texting all day long, don't get me wrong, I have male friends but it's the odd FB message or text here and there an nothing I would expect my DH to be worried by.

Hae you seen their messages?

bunnyfrance · 21/01/2015 08:45

Could you suggest meeting up for coffee/drinks as a foursome? If they're just friends, she should be ok with that. And if they're not, having to face his wife (and him having to face you) might be enough to calm the ardour.

xxx28xxx · 21/01/2015 09:15

im sorry to say but I don't think your wife is particularly innocent in this, she is simply not that naive. Yes men and women can have friendships but this seems to have gone way beyond that.

It may not be physical but emotionally something has been going on and from both sides, otherwise she would have completely cut contact when you voiced your concerns. By texting constantly as you say then she is still holding onto him. I think your anger at him is misdirected, you need to have a frank conversation with your wife.

If my dh was texting as your wife is, was accepting gifts off another woman and meeting for coffee outside of work then I would give be giving an ultimatum. It comes down to what's more important to her, her marriage or an alleged friendship...

wideboy26 · 21/01/2015 09:20

You may find this controversial, but have you considered forming a similar friendship with another woman, assuming that would be possible? Several years ago I was in a similar situation and, on the advice of my female boss, I mirrored my wife's behaviour. It did work, but it took 8 years from the start of her odd behaviour for our relationship to get back on track. That was all 9 years ago and we've never been happier since it was all resolved, but I won't pretend it wasn't hard work.

gildedcage · 21/01/2015 09:26

As someone else has said she seems to be already attached. If as a committed person you knew something upset your partner you would take steps to change it.

We cannot control anyone elses actions and I agree with you that it isn't your place to "step in". Ultimately if she continues to contact her 'friend' in the same way that she was before at his bequest she is putting his feelings ahead of yours.

boundaries have certainly been crossed, otherwise you wouldn't feel as you do, and your wife needs to accept that what she's doing is damaging.

The only actions you can control are your own. She is making her choices but you also have a choice not to put up with this. She may need to see that there is a consequence to her actions.

Out of curiosity, I wonder what his wife thinks about all of this?

rb32 · 21/01/2015 09:48

Ask to see the text messages. If she refuses.....

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