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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 09:50

Either your wife is stupid or she thinks you're stupid.... Hmm She's having an affair right there in front of you! I think you're going to have to stop being so conciliatory and understanding. She's not going to give up this 'friendship' unless the consequences are serious enough for her to take notice.

DubbyDubby · 21/01/2015 10:23

The path of infidelity usually starts well before anything physical actually happens and it sounds as though your wife has entered into the earlier stages with this man. The more involved she gets the harder it will be to pull away as she will become more and more emotionally involved in how this man makes her feel (probably attractive, wanted, 'alive').

This man is effectively courting her and she is allowing it to happen, thus creating a massive threat to your marriage. You need to have more conversations with her I'm afraid.

Good luck

northernpixie · 21/01/2015 11:13

I would like to re-enforce the messages from previous posters that it needs to be sorted out now. I have been there and didn't react quickly enough and it all got out of hand leading to 4+ years of hell. Our marriage has survived but the other marriage didn't and it has led to 3 of us being physically/mentally damaged (not counting my DW and the OM). My DW once said "it just seemed to happen and I went along with it, I never thought anyone would get hurt. If I knew how it was going to turn out I would have run a mile". She must be encouraged to see how things are likely to go if she continues with this EA. Perhaps showing her some of the heartbreaking threads here will help.

Good luck.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 21/01/2015 12:54

When we spoke about it at length she said she could see how much this was hurting me. She said thats not at all what she wants and therefore told him to cool off with the constant texting. Within days he was back texting and this is when he declared he "missed her". Thats now over a week since they have seen each other, however the texting has continued, although i think she is replying rather than being the initial sender. Ive seen an email from him asking to meet with her this friday, but to bring the kids! (nursery age). A friend has suggested this should not ease my concern as often a cheater pushes the boundaries of honesty in order to cover up their true feelings. I.e when you hear of 2 neighbouring families all get on but the man & woman from opposite sides are sleeping together on the side.
This will be a huge thing if she chooses to go and meet.
Im literally on fire inside and cant imagine feeling like this for weeks/months down the line.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 12:58

It's already a 'huge thing' that she's still replying to his texts. Now he's saying to bring the kids along and it took a friend to point out that this is not a good thing? There is no covering up of true feelings here. He's blatantly making a play for your wife and she's blithely going along with it.

If you're on fire inside, I'd suggest that's because you're doing nothing. You're having long chats but otherwise standing back and watching your wife make a complete fool of you.

You've got to stand up to her.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 21/01/2015 13:04

I really appreciate the comments from everyone, im also really surprised that everyone seems to see things from my perspective. I fully expected to be told im the "typical guy who cant handle a female/male friendship."

OP posts:
elastamum · 21/01/2015 13:14

I think you need to spell it out to her. You clearly think this is an emotional affair, and it sounds very much like one. She chooses whether to respond or not but texting someone 20 times a day who you are not in a relationship with is not normal. She needs to understand that she is damaging your relationship and if she carries on, this could ultimately spell the end of it. She needs to decide whether she will put your relationship first. If she just downplays it or says you are being unreasonable, you have your answer unfortunately. This is killing you, and your feelings are equally important here.

FWIW I was married to a serial cheat and have seen this pattern many, many times before I finally threw in the towel and got divorced Sad

songbird · 21/01/2015 13:14

Ah, we're not all man-hating vipers Wink.

It is possible that she's being naive - it's arguable that women do seem more able to form platonic friendships than men. What about suggesting that if the friendship is important to her, and it is genuinely platonic, that you all get together - you as a couple, him and his wife, and all the kids. You could sound out his wife if you're careful about it as well, or just observe how things are between them.

You do need to tread carefully to avoid being painted as a controlling bully, I'm afraid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 13:21

A healthy female/male friendship is conducted the same way as a female/female friendship. You might talk once a day. You might meet for coffee a few times a week. There could be small gifts exchanged at birthdays and Christmas. It'll usually also involve meeting each other's families and getting to know them. What it won't involve is any secrecy, excessive texting, inappropriately intimate ideas of 'missing' each other.

You have to trust your judgement sometimes.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 21/01/2015 13:23

I dont know if i could control myself if i was in this guys company to be honest.
Songbird, your last sentence is EXACTLY how i feel i will come across.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 13:30

You'd only be a controlling bully if you were acting unreasonably, restricting her movements and denying her access to any friends for purely malicious reasons . As it stands, you are uncomfortable with this particular friendship for what sounds like very good reasons.

I agree that she should have offered to introduce the pair of you long before now. Of course you would be able to control yourself in his presence. You're not an animal.

bunnyfrance · 21/01/2015 13:40

Did she show you the text where he said he "missed her", or did you find it by snooping? If she showed it to you, then I think she's trying somehow to get out of the situation too. If that's any comfort...

MadameOvary · 21/01/2015 13:51

I have a friend like this, who is married and would text me lots, with "xxx" and babe. It's just the way he is, I think I have met his wife loads and been to parties of theirs with my DP etc. Because my boundaries were clear I was ok with it. But my DP is not, so my contact with him is almost non-existent these days. So I can see both sides.
When I first met him I was in a very unhappy relationship so welcomed the distraction - we did creative stuff together and got on like a house on fire. The relationship ended (not because of him) and things continued from there. so at one point I was single and free to spend as much time with him as I liked (often with others there etc) I can see how to some it would look like an EA - maybe it was to him.
Point is, your wife needs to put you first. DP trusts me, but I understood that this made him uncomfortable and realised it was a friendship that I needed to cool off.
I didn't get anything from this friend that I missed. Does your DW?

zippey · 21/01/2015 14:00

Does his wife know about the friendship? Why dont you all meet up together?

GoatsDoRoam · 21/01/2015 14:30

the texting has continued, although i think she is replying rather than being the initial sender.

She doesn't have to reply.
She chooses to engage.
Their relationship takes up this much space in her life because she chooses to make it that way.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 21/01/2015 14:32

My wife told be about the text where he "missed her", i havent actually sat and looked through her phone at a raft of messages. However at a glance i have seen when messages arrive on her phone , they briefly show up at top of screen before going to inbox (if that makes sense). MadamOvary, they always contain xxx, which in itself i wouldnt normally worry as most of her female friends text this way.
Its actually the "missing her" comment that gets to me. I have never text anyone that after a few days, to my wife yes, but i would never send that to a friend.
I actually dont think she wants to cheat on me, but like others have said, i think the attention gives her a thrill. He sees this and is playing on it. My biggest concern is in the right situation would my wife have it in her to resist his advances, if she really has the emotional attachment already.
I think i need to see what happens friday, thats going to tell me alot about how she feels.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 21/01/2015 14:39

What cognito said

I'd never say " missing you " to anyone expect by DH or my kids . I agree it's quite intimate

gildedcage · 21/01/2015 14:57

The only way for this to be resolved is for her to totally stop engaging with him at all. This is after all not a friendship its far more intimate than that.

Im sorry but while you cannot control her actions or his, you can control your own. You have choices and you don't have to put up with this. Your wife has to see that there are consequences to their actions.

Also, what does his wife think of all of this. Presumably your wife wouldn't like you to be engaging in this behaviour with another woman, has she considered this?

jack45132 · 21/01/2015 14:59

As well as agreeing with all the other posters I would add that perhaps your wife is subconsciously trying to awaken the 'old' you (i.e. romantic, courting) - even if it's a bit of a unpleasant approach..

I agree with you about wanting her to end it, rather than stepping in yourself. BUT there is a point when I think a partner is looking for a response as a sign that you are 'bothered'...

Obviously a fine line - play it cool and you look confident, too cool and you look indifferent (perhaps her worry), and step in too early and look a bit desperate.

Based on the posts so far, my call would be to meet her at work, and casually look this man in the eyes...(and let her see this)...I think given the current state of play you are being slightly too cool...(only slightly)

bunnyfrance · 21/01/2015 15:24

OK, if she's not hiding texts, then that's a good sign. What is her connection to the guy at work? Is he her boss? A colleague she works with every day? If that's the case, it won't be easy for her to cut contact completely from one day to the next.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 21/01/2015 16:38

They are on the same level at work, but due other reasons with staff changes they wont be working together for much longer.
For me, i think im going to have to tell her that im not comfortable unless she cuts ties altogether. Im going to see what happens over next few days, as i still really want it to be her decision.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/01/2015 16:41

I would be tempted to take Friday off work to do something with the kids. Then if she said she had already arranged something, I would say 'Great, we can all go' and see if that takes the wind out of his sails.

Then I would talk to her again and ask why she arranged to meet him when I had expressed my concerns about their involvement. I would tell her that she had to think very hard about what she wanted and make a choice. I would not be prepared to share her affections so if she couldn't stop contact with him, she would have have to stop contact with me.

Because of his persistence, she would have to block his calls and emails until he stopped trying. She should also make it clear to him that this is her choice because she thinks she has been flattered by his attentions but is under no illusion that it's anything other than a passing fancy and that she values her relationship with you far too much to let strangers, or even friends, come between you.

If she tells him she has to stop seeing him because you say so, then she isn't taking responsibility or acknowledging the harm she is doing to your marriage. You would probably have to keep a close eye on things to make sure she isn't still secretly in contact.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2015 16:42

x posts worried but I think we are saying the same thing. You are right, it does have to be her decision but you can help hurry it along a bit.

bunnyfrance · 21/01/2015 16:52

Worrieddad, I've been in almost the exact same situation as your wife over the past few months/weeks. In fact, my husband could have written your OP. My EA didn't get as far as 20 texts a day or gifts, though. However, I can say that I was almost consciously pushing my husband for a reaction (I left all emails open for him to read etc), and it was only when I saw how much it was affecting him that I cut down contact. We've been married 12 years and it was just a moment of madness.

SquirrelSwarm · 21/01/2015 16:56

I have lots of male friends and colleagues, and many I often spend time with - coffees, lunch, drinks. And we text. But never the 7am-11pm stuff. That's a real clincher for me that something's going on. Even if she's still in denial about his motives.
I used to have a male colleague - many years back - who used to text me a lot late at night and in the end I started turning my phone off when I went to bed. I think he just kept different hours and was a bit lonely but I felt that bit could be misinterpreted so I ignored him when it was late and answered in the morning.