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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 22/01/2015 18:53

Hope you both use this as a wake up call to improve your marriage. It shouldn't take something like this for you to both realise what you mean to each other and appreciate one another.

Good luck Smile

Fairenuff · 22/01/2015 19:10

It doesn't matter whether or not he gets the message, OP, as long as your wife does. I could have men falling at my feet all day long and it wouldn't make a difference to me. I choose dh. That's it.

His actions do not need to concern you and his relationship with his wife is none of your business. I think you would be wise to keep an eye on the situation but only in respect of your wife.

It does look as if she has nipped this in the bud though. He'll get over it and you can all move on.

winkywinkola · 22/01/2015 19:34

Op, you were right to express concerns.

This wasn't a friendship within the realms of normal friendship at all. The man was actively pursuing her. Whether she realised or not, who knows but it was too much and most definitely inappropriate.

It happened to me just before Christmas except my h was hiding his cafe visits with his "friend" and their emails. I found the emails. He cut contact with her and she was furious, saying they had done nothing wrong. Stupid pair.

Hysterical bonding isn't a bad thing though!

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 23/01/2015 17:57

I was feeling much more positive last night, but today my mind has been churning and i feel as bad as ever. Whats worse is ive discovered my wife & other man were having deep discussions about our relationship, no bloody wonder this guy saw an opening. I feel like i need to bring this up, but i dont think either of us can survive another long talk about this. I cant believe how awful & numbing this whole thing has been, god knows how others survive far worse situations than mine.

OP posts:
DubbyDubby · 23/01/2015 19:00

It's normal to feel up and down for some time after something like this. Plus the feelings of betrayal and shock may also take some time to pass. Don't be too hard on yourself.

winkywinkola · 23/01/2015 19:39

Do not make any big decisions now.

Your wife must not however, have contact with this man at all if she wants today married to you.

You certainly shouldn't contact him. It has to be her ending it once and for all. He sounds likes real creep.

Is she happy in her marriage?

Does she understand that what she did was completely inappropriate and wrong?

Would she have been happy for you to listen to recordings of their conversations? If not, then she should realise how wrong it was.

Does she show empathy that you are knocked sideways by this?

Can she come up with ways to make this better for both of you? Now and for your future?

I know exactly the turmoil and pain you're going through right now. It's horrible and such a shock.

winkywinkola · 23/01/2015 19:41

And little wonder you feel so dreadful as you keep being traumatised by further revelations.

Fairenuff · 23/01/2015 19:49

How did you discover this OP?

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 23/01/2015 20:26

Long story, but i noticed the box the bracelet was in that he gave her and i opened it. Inside were 2 notes, one which simply said "dont let him get you down" then some kisses. The other was longer and about how special she is and "deserves to be happy"!
I actually felt sick reading it.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 23/01/2015 20:29

I actually think im going to ask her that we go to counseling, I know its early days, but I dont think I can get over this without talking it through.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 23/01/2015 20:31

Yes that must have been really hard to read.

Has your wife been entirely honest with you about how she feels about you and your marriage?

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 23/01/2015 20:44

the crazy thing is, we appear to be really close now, i. almost feels like when we first met. But inside im still on fire and because things are good i dont want to bring this to the surface. But its got to come out somehow.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/01/2015 21:32

Counselling is probably a good idea, just so that you can talk it through, bring up the things that are bothering you and also it might make you feel justified in expecting some answers.

I would certainly want to know why she didn't refuse the gift, bearing in mind the notes that came with it. I would also want to know why she felt it was a good idea to talk about our relationship to someone else, instead of me.

unsettleddad · 24/01/2015 11:22

See my earlier reply - regarding my opinion that your wife was trying to provoke a reaction. I see all of this a big positive in your favour. The state of your relationship was bothering her a lot - she sought out another male to effectively waste his time listening to her issues, and make her feel better about herself in order to be able to regroup and reapply herself to improving your relationship. The note was his words - don't assume she said that - assume she just said she was unhappy with the quality of your relationship - not unhappy with you - he merely tried to twist the sentiment of the conversation in his favour.

I would raise your thoughts the minute you can do so with clarity and calmness - this should actually improve your relationship... The truth really does set you free..

The one niggle would be how long she keeps the bracelet and note. I would expect it to be chucked away quite quickly....

winkywinkola · 25/01/2015 19:23

How are you doing worrieddad?

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 20:48

worrieddadof2
I am/was in the exact situation as yourself.
DH became over friendly (in my opinion) with a lady that we both know. He saw more of her as her sons played the same sport as DH
She started texting him, just little things thanking him for giving her son a lift, how she missed him Hmm at the meeting etc etc. always ending in xx
It all came to light when DH showed me a txt from her saying how wonderful he wasHmm as he had waited with her son when her car broke down,
From then on I became suspicious, he kept on telling me nothing was going on but said she was just a friend etc etc
Something just didn't sit right with me but for the sake of my marriage I dont speak of her anymore,
It's her birthday this week (significant one) and he has probably txt her, but tbh I can't be arsed to worry about it anymore.
(To make matters worse her daughter is dating my son) Shock but I don't hold this against the girl,
I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in and it can really eat you up if you let it. I hope you can work through it,

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 20:48

Sorry that was longer than I thought Blush

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 20:52

Bee, let me get this right.

For the "sake of your marriage" you have decided to bury your head in the sand ?

Good luck with that Sad

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 21:15

I know anyfucker I know Blush
But how many times does DH have to tell me there's nothing going on? I have no proof that there is.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 21:20

You have no proof there is something going on ? Of course you do.

Whether or not there is a physical relationship developing between your husband and this woman he knows it bothers you but he carries on anyway. In plain sight. Why would he do that ?

I would call that a very big "something"

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 21:27

By 'nothing going on' he means no physical contact. That might be so, but it doesn't mean that there is nothing going on. How would he react if you asked him to stop seeing her Bee?

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 25/01/2015 22:32

Hi WINKY, yeah things are really looking good now. We had a long chat last night & she insisted the "dont let him get to you" note was not about me but infact her boss, she did have a very credible story considering i put her on the spot. The "love" note she admits was a bit strong & she should have acted there & then. He has made no attempt to contact & nor has she. We have booked a weekend away together as GP's are taking kids. The only final stumbling block is in 2 weeks time, theres a work night out to sign off the closure & transfer of her department. He will be there Sad

OP posts:
CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 22:34

Hes told me he will give up the sport to avoid seeing her and so far ive said no. She is married and her husband goes along too, as do I sometimes.

Anyway, I dont want to hijack this thread with my problem. Sorry OP!

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 22:36

it doesn't matter if he gives up the sport if you have already accepted he is going to continue messaging her

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 22:41

What would you do then *anyfucker?