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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 22:44

Hi op. I think if your wife realises how naive she has been, and how upset you have, she should not go to the work night out; cry sick or no babysitter, but if this was me and dh, I wouldn't be going, it's to show where the priorities lie...

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 22:46

Looks like your wife will unfortunately be 'ill' that day then OP, and not able to attend.

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 22:47

Bee I would ask him to stop contact with her.

FelicityGubbins · 25/01/2015 22:50

Bee, I would point out that not only is he shitting on you by remaining in contact with her, but he is also shitting on his own son, he's crossing the line with his sons girlfriends mother...

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 22:54

Bee, if you really are asking my advice I would not STFU about the fact that my H was messaging some OW despite my objections to it

if I really thought he was worth keeping after treating me like that in the first place (which is debateable) he would be cutting all contact completely and immediately after he had told her in my earshot that he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to work on his marriage

after that, if I could still be bothered (again, debateable) I would be expecting his phone, email, messaging apps etc to be completely available to me with none of the logs deleted

I would expect him to be completely ok with me speaking to the OW's husband to compare notes on their extramarital activities (even if I later decided not to do it) and for me to seek support including full disclosure from whomever I wished including his parents

that would be my starting point...lots more to come I reckon

winkywinkola · 25/01/2015 22:57

I would insist on no contact Bee. No texting. It's important. She and he are crossing boundaries. Perhaps they don't realise it. Perhaps they do. Perhaps they don't care. But you care and you've got to put a stop to it.

It's horribly painful. I've just stopped reeling from my own experience of this.

Get tough and demanding and insist they stop taking the piss. The woman my h was meeting for coffee and emailing said I was over reacting when I insisted all contact cease but she is wrong about that.

And worrieddad, your wife can't go to that bash. It would be inappropriate given the circumstances. I would put my foot down.

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 23:03

Blimey anyfucker, you dont take any shit do you!
For what its worth, I can check his emails whenever I like. He often sends 'jokey' cartoon type things to mates and she is on the list. He tells me if she txts him, which is much less these days. Her husband and her are always holding hands when I've seen them.DH has no parents to ask!
I do think he knows i was upset and is now up front with me. I txt men too, workmates etc but I dont put xx!

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 23:06

And DH resigned from the sports committee as she was there. This was a big step for him as hes done it for years.
but im not resting on my laurels, one false move and im on it!

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 23:07

if you think I am a bit hardline, Bee there has to be a middle ground between what I would advocate and you admitting you STFU for the sake of your marriage

have you ever thought of casually asking the OW's husband what he makes of his wife's closeness with your husband ?

CyclopsBee · 25/01/2015 23:12

No I havnt spoken to him really any hes not over talkative. Maybe he hates me and DH. His wife is very life and soul of the party type person. Knows everyone and always keen to lend a hand

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 23:14

Just a thought.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 23:15

It's not the most important issue anyway

The single most important issue is how you feel about, and certainly not how your husband thinks you should feel about it.

winkywinkola · 26/01/2015 19:09

I don't think you could "casually" ask the other husband what he thinks of his wife's closeness with the op's husband. It would be a bomb. And then all would act innocent and the op would be made to look over anxious and paranoid.

It's very tricky when this happens because the connection is forged over time under the guise of friendship and can seem almost innocent.

Which is of course utter bullshit but still.

Hobbitwife001 · 26/01/2015 19:55

I am sorry to say I think it needs to end ASAP , if she is not comfortable showing you his texts, if she would not want you to accompany them when they meet, it is DEFINATELY an emotional affair .
My husband of 27 years left me and my family last year after six months of insisting the ow was 'just a friend, obviously she became more than that, they are now openly in a relationship together. Nip it in the bud before it is too late.

LemonYellowSun · 27/01/2015 13:55

I would agree that your wife should be "sick" for the work night out. If I were her I would definitely not be going.

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 27/01/2015 18:29

Looks like she is definitely going, the only saving grace is 2 of the woman going with her i know fairly well and wont stand for any nonsense. Also she is driving and giving both a lift.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 27/01/2015 18:31

Why is she going when he will be there?

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 27/01/2015 18:46

Mainly because there is at least 5 of the woman there she has worked with for the last 7 years, after this its not lilely the will meet again due to distance/work/family. Its just a shame this dick will also be in the venue. She has had no contact since last week. Theres been lots of evidence she regrets the stage that things got to. I trust her because i know she loves her family and wont risk it all for nothing. I firmly believe she wouldnt ever have allowed a physical stage to happen. Its now up to her now to prove it.

I can understand the risk some might think im taking.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 27/01/2015 18:57

What does "some evidence" mean?

I asking if you are happy with the efforts she is making?

I mean, she made claims about your marriage to this guy. What is she doing to make things better?

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 27/01/2015 21:12

I know it may not sound much, but the amount we have talked and how close we seem to have become. I can see the hurt in her eyes at how she made me feel.

OP posts:

rubynoodles37 · 29/01/2015 12:10

Worrieddad , I just want to say thank you for posting on my thread. I have just read through your thread and realise this could have been me and my family further down the road and really has made me 'sit up'. I hope you can get through this and in years to come see this as just a blip in your marriage. Your wife is doing the right thing by breaking all contact. She, (as I could have easily have done) has become caught up in everything and almost addicted to the thrill of it but if you both keep talking and keeping it in the open it will subside. Good luck!

winkywinkola · 29/01/2015 15:14

Ruby can you link to your thread please?

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 03/02/2015 12:29

I know everyone is different, but how long does it take other people to move on from these situations?
Although things are far better, i cant stop thinking about this situation through the day. Sometimes at night there will be silence, then if i look at my wife im convinced she looking back thinking similar thoughts to me. The idea of confronting this guy face to face is ever more appealing, even though it will solve nothing. Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 03/02/2015 12:36

Well, I found out my h had a special friend on Friday, 12th December.

They hadn't had sex. H assured me they had met five times in cafes, "counselling each other" about their unhappy marriages, flirting and flattering each other.

I have torn strips off him. I still haven't decided what to do yet. And I still really want to telephone the silly bitch and tell her what I think of her too. Not least because when she called him up in a rage after he ended it by email, she said I shouldn't get too upset because they'd done nothing wrong and nothing had happened.

Dickheads, the pair of them.

I wouldn't even wonder about how long it takes. Just don't waste your time thinking about that bloke. He's shit on your shoe. Just focus on making things great with your wife.

I'm sure people can recommend books to read about starting to repair trust after affairs, emotional or otherwise.

Bear up.

Original poster

worrieddadof2 · 03/02/2015 17:28

I suppose part of the problem in my case Is I think this OM is off the scene, all the evidence points to this, but i just dont know it.

OP posts:

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