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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 03/02/2015 19:22

How come she's prioritising her social and work relationships (longstanding colleagues) over your understandable anxiety about her seeing OM? Do her friends know what's been going on? Embarrassing if so.

You sem more angry with OM than your W, whilst no saint he isn't the one who made commitments to you.

Surreyblah · 03/02/2015 19:23

And I say that having been to (and missed, for more mundane reasons) any number of leaving/end of project/retirement and networking dos.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 03/02/2015 20:20

She says he isnt going to be there, but im not convinced. However, since she deleted his number and breaking contact, i discovered he has been emailing her, interestingly one of which was him asking why she wont reply to his texts. However that was now over a week ago, ive seen nothing since so i do think he has finally got the message. Ive told her ive taken a back seat & trusted her throughout, however one more approach from him & i will have to go and speak to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 03/02/2015 20:22

Sorry, her friends dont know, but her boss does.

OP posts:
Bansteadmum · 04/02/2015 07:43

Don't speak to him! Not your problem, and you'd be better maintaining dignity. Your DW should deal with any refusal to cease contact through the usual work procedures.

KristinaM · 04/02/2015 07:52

I agree don't speak to him , he's not your problem ,your wife is

If she is still involved with him, it will make no difference to their relationship

If she's not, you will look like you are irrationally jealous and don't trust her

I don't understand why he was asking why she won't reply to his texts . Didn't she email him examining why she has curtailed their friendship ?

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 04/02/2015 10:53

Its the fact he has still tried to make contact that concerns me, i did see one where my wife said "we cant be friends, it wont work as you always complicate things", however he then continued for 3 or 4 days after continually emailing. Sometimes it was questions, sometimes him just telling her what he was doing. From what i can see there was no reply from my wife. The attempts to try & check my wifes emails, constantly seeking the next opportunity is actually mentally draining, i think thats partly why i can move this out of my head.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 04/02/2015 11:14

Ask her to block his emails from her account.

He's certainly persistent.

He is one that needs to have zero contact whatsoever. Your wife has to facilitate this.

KristinaM · 04/02/2015 11:17

Of course it's draining, you can't play detective and policeman 24 hrs a day as well as getting on with normal life .and you shouldn't have to

Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 19:45

"we cant be friends, it wont work as you always complicate things".

Was that meant to be a "don't contact me" message?!

Not exactly definitive.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 04/02/2015 19:51

There was also one in which she said "just leave it at this, you need to move on". I do feel as though theres been far too much pussy footing around. But i also thin. we are getting somewhere, slowly. If i go and speak to him things are going to take a backward step between my wife & I.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 04/02/2015 21:01

Don't speak to him.

Your wife must be firm and consistent in her silence because it speaks volumes to him. He can't engage if she isn't even corresponding or talking to him.

Keep making a fuss of her. Keep the friendly, calm, warm, loving and kind relationship you're re-establishing.

Fairenuff · 04/02/2015 21:11

I think you are right to still be alert OP. Some things don't quite add up here.

Firstly, she could easily put your mind at rest by saying that she won't go to the work function. Your relationship is more important than her friends/colleagues and that should be her number one priority right now. There is no way I would be going if that was me. I would either arrange to meet my colleagues for a quick drink before the function or call in sick.

She says he won't be there but logically why wouldn't he. If he is desperate to see her this would be a golden opportunity for him and he would grab it.

Also, how does she know he says he won't be there? Have they been in touch about it?

It's ok to keep bringing this up because it is still bothering you. She should be doing everything she can to reassure you. She should tell you if she receives an email from him. She should be completely open and honest and you work together to put all this behind you.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 04/02/2015 22:07

A work friend of hers rattled off a list of staff who couldnt make it, he was apparently one of them. Im not convinced, i think she wants to put my mind at rest. She has also told him that i know everything, from what i can see, thats now a full week of no contact.
This will sound very childish, but in terms of intimidation if I were to confront him, it would most certainly be him that felt it. However thats just not in my nature at all, in the meantime i will remain calm. After saturday, he really should become a distant memory.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/02/2015 22:22

If I were him I would say I wasn't going. Because he knows that there is a chance she will stay away. So if he says he's not going he can change his mind at the last minute and turn up.

It's just simpler for her to stay away and not risk that happening. Why is she arguing against this? She is making lots of reassuring noises but remember OP, actions speak louder than words.

You really shouldn't think about confronting him. At the moment you are looking strong and confident (even if you don't feel it). He is too insignificant for you to bother with. You have no relationship with him, he is nothing.

Your wife, on the other hand, is the person that you should be turning to and talking this through with. If she can't give up one work function to prove that she wants to rebuild your trust then that says a lot about how she really feels imho.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2015 22:59

How did it go at the weekend OP, did she go to the work function Was he there?

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 09/02/2015 23:13

Yeah she went, i still dont know if he was there. On saturday morning i was heading out, I wasnt sure if i'd be back before she went out in the evening, so I said "if i dont see you, have a nice night"......"oh, if that dickhead is there please be careful", she didnt look impressed. Anyway, in the end i got back before she left, she said i had ruined her day with my comment & now also the night ahead.
She went, but was home within a couple of hours. Many hours of short answers, bordering silence, get to sunday night & the long awaited arguement comes around. Basically I made her "feel dirty & cheap, also i didnt trust her even though nothing ever happened". pretty much at a point where i can no longer mention this or it is me that will get it in the neck. I do think im almost ready to put it behind us, but i dont get why she gets so angry if i bring it up.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/02/2015 23:25

Sorry to hear that, it doesn't sound good does it. You should be able to ask if he was there and if he spoke to her. Her attitude towards you over this is not a good sign I'm afraid.

I understand that she feels hurt that you don't trust her but she has given you reason to doubt her and it's up to her now to her part in helping to rebuild the trust. She really should talk this through with you as much as you need. It's very early days yet, it's not as if you are still going on about it five years later or something.

Would you consider couples counselling so that you can have some help to get her to understand this and how important it is to your relationship that you communicate properly about what has happened and how you are going to move on from it?

At the moment her reactions indicate that she still has an emotional connection to him and she may well have spent some time with him. I'm really surprised she went actually, I wouldn't. My relationship would have been a higher priority.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 09/02/2015 23:33

I really dont think he was there, from what i can see there has been no contact for over 10 days now. Her reaction can mean only one of two things in my opinion, either she still doesnt accept that she did something wrong, therefore thinks im overreacting. Or, there was more than just an emotional attatchment & the guilt eats at her.
I still think the latter is not the case, as most of the messages i saw between them suggested nothing had happened.
Counselling isnt an option right now, though I did look into it.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 10/02/2015 19:07

So you have decide whether you believe her or not and move forward. With or without her.

It's very hard to not analyse the whole situation over and over again, looking for evidence but I know at some point, if you're going to go for a united front, then you have to accept what she says as the truth.

Fairenuff · 10/02/2015 19:27

So she won't let you talk about it, won't tell you if she saw him there and won't go to counselling?

Yes, it might all be innocent and maybe she really did not get that attached to him and has no intentions of ever seeing or talking to him again. But I do actually doubt that because I think she would have stayed away from the work do and be happy to reassure you as much as you need.

I also think that he probably was there because otherwise she would have been sure to tell you he wasn't.

She may not have done anything wrong with him other than the inappropriate contact but she sure is doing something wrong now by not engaging with you. In cutting him off emotionally, she is cutting you off emotionally as well.

She is basically telling you STFU and people generally only do that when they have something to hide. There is no way I would let this lie.

gildedcage · 10/02/2015 19:57

She wants it to be forgotten about because it makes her massively uncomfortable.

Its not only that she has hurt you but perhaps she feels a bit cheap, whatever the words were that she chose, because she recognises that there was more to this even though she protests otherwise.

Sorry but I don't think you will be able to move on, emotionally, with this subject being out of bounds. And yes it makes her massively uncomfortable but she has caused this. I agree some couples counselling would give you a safe place to express your respective feelings so that you can move on together.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 10/02/2015 22:01

She says she "couldnt give a toss about this guy & has no interest in ever seeing him again". She remains frustrated with me, because nothing physical happened she feels this should now be left in the past. She doesnt seem to get it, that the lies & secret messaging hurts every bit as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 10/02/2015 22:03

in saying that, if they did sleep together i would have to leave, i would never get over that.

OP posts:
gildedcage · 10/02/2015 22:10

Yes its the lies and the secrets. But if she has lied it doesn't show her in a good light.

Ultimately would she like you to have conducted a similar "friendship" with a female colleague?

I wasn't trying to suggest by the way that she has done anything physically, but rather her actions have not been as they should be for a committed wife.

I am sure that you can work through this but she has to own her actions and allow you to go through the process that you need so that you can both move forward together.