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Original poster

wifes male friend

154 replies

worrieddadof2 · 20/01/2015 21:44

Hello ladies/guys, I've been looking on here for a while & finally decided to join as there seems to be lots of good advice.

As title says, in the last few months my wife has spent alot of time with a male friend from work. Initially i was fine with it as i think there can be a male/female friendship. However one day things just clicked in my head and im now convinced theres an "emotional affair" happening here. We have a busy family life and work, we make time for each other but it is difficult. However in amongst this they find the time to text each other daily, pretty much from 7am until 11pm(20+ texts). They meet for coffee outside work time regularly, then a xmas he bought her a bracelet. I asked my wife outright if something was going on, to which she said absolutely not. I pointed out i think there is a strong emotional attatchment built above & beyond a "normal friendship". She again said no, but i think she is naive & cant see it. She did actually ask the guy to back off a little, which lasted a couple of days, but he was soon telling her "he missed her". My wife seems to think this is ok. This guy is also married with 2 kids, but seriously is this a normal friendship? If you were the woman would you be concerned by the intense nature this person imposes?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Blindingheadache · 21/01/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HexBramble · 21/01/2015 17:06

I'd want to see her phone.
I'd also ask her if she understands what an emotional affair is.
Feel for you OP but you've had sound advice here. Time to act.
Keep your head.
You know this thread will support you more if needed.

SexOrTaxRelief · 21/01/2015 20:01

Time to act, to stop being a victim, to stop allowing this to happen.
Stand up for your relationship.

strong123 · 21/01/2015 20:33

Worrieddad - I am in a similar situation and I asked my DP to leave last year because of it. He still denies have a physical affair but the emotional closeness that he had with a female friend caused me a lot of upset. It seemed that his friend was constantly being placed ahead of me and the children.

8 months on and we are still living separately and he still sees the friend 1-2 nights a week. I did ask him to limit contact and it happened for a few days and then it went back to normal. At the end of the day, we all have friends but if the friendship is affecting your relationship then you have to let her know how you feel.

CuriouSir · 21/01/2015 23:04

Frank and open discussion is needed that I suspect will reveal the tip of the iceberg. Best of luck

MadameOvary · 21/01/2015 23:39

Yes, my friend said he missed me too. I didnt answer that one! Looking back i was pretty naive in thinking there was nothing going on just because i didn't want it to. you do need a frank discussion with your DW as CuriouSir says.

badbaldingballerina123 · 22/01/2015 02:35

I don't believe for a moment that your wife honestly thinks their just friends.

GingerCuddleMonster · 22/01/2015 02:58

I have a male best friend, we've been friends for over 8 years, he has a girl friend I have a partner and a baby.

we do not text each other all day every day, we do meet for coffee on our own occasionally and sometimes with all partners. We do purchase each other gifts generally novelty gifts, this Christmas I was gifted a whoope cusion, pretty cheap gifts. He purchased DS a rather expensive baby gym when he was born but this was signed from him and partner. I've never once had to tell him to "back off" theres a natural line drawn and our friendship fits perfectly in it, and more importantly neither my partner or his has any issue with the friendship and that's a major factor.

personally I would be very wary of this "friendship" and would have a pretty frank conversation about it, explaining your concerns.

Surreyblah · 22/01/2015 05:47

Why haven't you insisted that she stops all social contact? Including texting. Why are you angry with the other man but not with her?

Set the boundaries and mean them. She is not heeding your (seemingly reasonable as you've described the situation) feelings and her behaviour with OM is disrespectful and risking the family. If she accuses you of being controlling tell her that's bullshit, you are objecting to an EA and such accusations a manipulative way of trying to continue the relationship with OM.

Buy her a book about EAs, although am sure she already knows very well that her relationship with OM is one.

Blindingheadache · 22/01/2015 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 22/01/2015 08:07

Ok, so last night i couldnt take anymore & she could see it in me. I told her im really not coping with this, she has told me she has told this guy nothing will ever happen between them & that this situation is putting her family at risk and she cant have that. He is saying he doesnt want more than freindship, but he is still acting like someone who is in emotional turmoil at having been told this. She has said they wont be meeting up. I believe her and in part have seen evidence. Its now a case of seeing if he stops fishing. Somehow i feel really raw today, although i know i should be pleased.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 22/01/2015 08:18

Has she agreed to cease all social contact, including texts?

As for you "not coping", you shouldn't have to cope, she shouldn't have done this and it isn't weak to demand she stops and be angry and hurt.

Fairenuff · 22/01/2015 08:24

Well done for speaking with her about this. She really needs to see that it is affecting you. I think you are feeling raw because she is not handling this well.

The fact that they both assure you that nothing will happen between them shows that she is massively missing the point (or ignoring it). Something is happening between them. Right now. It's her failure to address this that is causing your pain.

She must stop all contact with him. Yes she might hurt him but would she rather hurt you? You need another chat. Take some time to think about how you want to phrase it and then speak to her again. Tell her that this isn't enough. It's not even really about him, it's more about her reluctance to let him go, even though she knows it is damaging her relationship with you.

Tell her to give you one good reason why she should continue to reply to his texts. Even if they are occasional. If she says that it doesn't hurt anyone, tell her it hurts you and you are not prepared to be treated like that. If it doesn't stop you may have to separate and then it will hurt the children too.

What other reason could she give? They work together - change your job. He's just a friend - which other friend does she treat like this? If she gives more reasons ask her why she is looking for excuses to stay in contact when you have both agreed that it's damaging your marriage?

Stick with it, you will get there in the end.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 22/01/2015 08:47

She has said that the freindship is over and as previously mentioned, they will no longer be working together so there will be no chance of contact. She said she is sorry and wished she had cut this out far sooner.
I think the ball has moved to my court now, if he keeps at her without her giving reply/encouragment, i WILL be stepping in.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 22/01/2015 10:14

Of course you're raw - because there IS something going on. You shouldn't HAVE to offer assurances that you want nothing more than friendship whoever this is directed at (him to her, her to you) as that already indicates a line has been crossed.

She needs to understand what an EA is, and how it destroys trust just as much as a PA does.

supernaut · 22/01/2015 11:29

Have been in a similar situation.
The problem is, in the beginning it probably is 'just friends', so why should they feel like they are doing something wrong.
Even if they are not flirting or worse, they build a connection, and start not telling the truth about communications and meetings because 'it's nothing' and they 'don't want you to get the wrong idea', etc.
At least she's not accusing you of being jealous and controlling is she?
She should block his number to be honest.

Surreyblah · 22/01/2015 12:35

The ball is still in her court in terms of keeping her promises to stop all contact and making amends to you for her actions thus far. If OM persists that's for her to handle.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 22/01/2015 12:48

I know somebody mentioned this earlier, but my wife said this is the most loved by me she has felt in years, im actually sitting up and taking notice, showing how much i love her, want her. Slightly embarrassed to say, but our sex life has been insanely brilliant since this all unfolded.
I do feel as though i have a part in all of this, if you provide someone with everything thats important, love, a shoulder to cry on, the feeling of being wanted, taking the weight of the world off their shoulders...why would they seek that elsewhere? Im guilty of not having provided these things in recent years.

OP posts:
TheFriar · 22/01/2015 12:57

Them maybe that was also a wake up call for you to not forget to put something into your relationship.

Carry on concentrating on your DW, maybe propose to her to block his number (to make it easier for her).

supernaut · 22/01/2015 12:59

Um, no.
You are blaming yourself, which is better than her blaming you I suppose which is often the tactic of cheaters.
If she didn't feel loved she should have discussed it with you or broken up with you, not sought fun elsewhere which remaining married.

Fairenuff · 22/01/2015 16:17

You are not to blame for her actions, if she became unhappy with the lack of attention or felt that emotional and physical intimacy was on the wane in your relationship, she should have spoken to you about it.

However, it does seem that she recognises that now and your relationship is starting to get back on track.

Btw all that sex is called hysterical bonding

Blindingheadache · 22/01/2015 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFriar · 22/01/2015 16:41

Hold on the DW didn't have an affair, she didn't hide anything from her DH, she took his concerns into account and stopped seeing him. None of that us what someone who has an affair is doing.

She was certainly naive yes.
And it us also quite possible that actually the OP had stopped putting anything into the relationship.
It us also possible she told him about her problems but he didn't hear her.

For a relationship to work, tou need two people and unless one of them is a deceptive person by 'make up', which is clearly not the case of the DW as per comment above, then I will always suspect an issue coming from both sides.

OP I would treat that as a sign that something has gone wrong and that you both need to put something into your relationship. It might mean that your DW didn't feel loved anymore. It might be that there us something else and she needs to be more involved herself.
The best you can do is to keep talking and not taking her fir granted (and her not taking you for granted either)

Fairenuff · 22/01/2015 18:36

I agree that she didn't actually have an affair but she was having an inappropriate relationship with another man and starting to become emotionally involved with him.

Thankfully, it sounds like he was rather more attached than she was and she is able to cut him off completely.

I would suggest that, if he contacts her again, she sends one last message, with your blessing OP, saying quite clearly that she does not want him to contact her at all, no phone calls, no texting, no emailing, nothing and that if he does she will log it with a view to considering reporting him for harassment.

Original poster
worrieddadof2 · 22/01/2015 18:50

It looks like she has taken the step to delete him from her phone completely now. Im still going to remain on gaurd about this as time will tell if he gets the message, plus its going to take me time to get my head back to normal.
I cannot believe the OM's wife hasnt noticed something going on, but i guess i wont know now.

OP posts:
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