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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've made the worst mistake of my life...

165 replies

neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 01:18

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 20/01/2015 01:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 01:27

Give up the booze now and forever. Take yourself to a therapist and beg your husband to go with you. I hope that things work out and that your marriage is strong enough to ride this one out. Good luck op.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/01/2015 01:36

I can't make it better or tell you not to feel guilty but if you can work together to fix it,do.

Give him some space and see what happens at first.

Stop drinking. That will be important.

Was your husband present in the house at the time? You say 'we had a party. I ask because,if he was, that will probably have doubled the damage and be as hard for him as the pure fact that you had sex with another man. It will make it harder for him,so you need to be aware of that and considerate of it.

Best of luck

AlpacaMyBags · 20/01/2015 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 01:40

He's just called and says he cant ever forgive me. It's because it happened in his home. I understand that but it's breaking my heart. My little girl is safe. I've got to protect her. I've ruined both their lives. My mum knows and has been supportive. Husband just been on phone and is furious. He says he thinks I have done things in the past but I haven't. Had to put phone down on him cause couldn't listen any more. Had a lot of issues with depression so on antidepressants, he's lived with this but I've felt I've always been a liability. The stupid thing is that I have been really loyal and never did anything as utterly stupid as this. I don't really deserve a pity party I know. Just need to know that someone is out there and awake...

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 20/01/2015 01:43

neuro, you have to give your DH some space to process what has happened. Try to reflect how YOU would feel if your DH had slept with someone else in your home.

You say that your DH is the love of your life. You were probably his love of life also. This is devastating for both of you.

Drinking alcohol to excess - where you lose all inhibitions and forget your family - is not good or acceptable.

You will have to make changes if you want to save your marriage. Start with your GP and seek support/counselling.

You may have crossed the line and your actions are the deal-breaker for your DH. If so - please respect his decision and work out how to co-parent.

I really hope it works out well for you and your DH.

RandomNPC · 20/01/2015 01:48

You're not a liability for having depression; it's an illness, you didn't choose it.
Your husband is going to be devastated, maybe he will come round in time, maybe he won't. I don't think I could forgive it.
You have to tackle the drinking. You can't go on doing this, but I guess you know that now.
I hope you can both sort something out.

dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 01:51

Yes I'm awake op and really feeling for you now. If he says it's over now, it doesn't mean he'll think it tomorrow or next week or next month. I'm really hoping things will work out for all three of you and that you can stay together when you have made the changes that you need to. Plenty of happy marriages have survived one mad incidence of betrayal.

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 01:52

I know. I've made it worse because it is meant to be his sanctuary. I'm disgusted with what I've done. Can't imagine how he must feel. Pretended all was okay the day after because I was so scared of telling him. There's a video on Facebook of our wedding and he's just made the comment 'ha ha'.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 20/01/2015 01:52

I am awake - but you are really trying to justify your actions now.

Happy to talk, but you won't get a pity-party from me.

How the hell did you manage to go up to a bedroom in your own home and sleep with another man with your husband in the house? If your mother is being supportive then I don't understand her!

You need to see your GP again and talk through your medication and your behaviour. Being depressed doesn't give you the right to ignore your family values.

And don't put the phone down on your DH when he wants to talk. He didn't do anything wrong did he? You did!

Now is the time to step up, apologise, talk and see if you can repair your marriage with additional help.

dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 01:57

oh stop telling the poor woman off sadwidow. she sounds at the end of her tether and she is certainly not justifying her actions - she says she is disgusted with herself.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/01/2015 01:58

Oh. Shit. That's one hell of a fuck up :(

Hanging up on him really wasn't a great idea. You are on no position to say you couldn't listen to any more Hmm

You should call him back, tell him you are sorry you hung up on him and that you know it was wrong to have done so. Tell him how sorry you are that you did something so incredibly horrible. Do not call it a 'mistake', it's not, it was a stupid decision you made. Take ownership of it without excuses or blaming him.

Then say good night. Don't ask him to reconsider or anything.

Then think about what you want (do you want to separate from him or do you wasn't to do your best to salvage your marriage?)

Decide what you think you need to do and if you can do it.

Do you need to give up alcohol enyirelynor just stop bingeing!

If you need to give it up completely, then in the morning, ring your GP and get an urgent appointment.

Then ring AAA and find out where there's a meeting you can go to.

But don't do it to win your DH around, do it if you feel you need to.

Then ring your DH and ask him if you can meet somewhere neutral. Talk to him.

Good luck.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/01/2015 02:00

You shouldn't have put the phone down. It's not you that has been betrayed and wronged,it is your poor husband!

Putting the phone down because YOU couldn't listen to anymore? It's not about you! You just made it ten times worse by doing that.

Stop making excuses for your behaviour and trying to justify it. Think about your husband and your daughter. Them,not you. Then think how on earth you could possibly try to put things right for them and help your husband at least feel that you regret and acknowledge. Putting the phone down on the poor bloke does the exact opposite of that,it's like telling him he's the one in the wrong and you shouldn't have to listen to his crap. Other way round I'm afraid.

BOFster · 20/01/2015 02:00

Drinking too much or having depression isn't an excuse for doing something so egregious to your partner, but I'm sure you know that. You can't expect your partner to just get over this, and if he doesn't, you just have to accept that.

It might help if you get some help with your drinking and be prepared to bend over backwards to get some therapy, but you do need to acknowledge that you've gone way over the line by doing this and at least pay him the respect of letting him be fucking pissed off.

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 02:02

I know. Unacceptable behaviour. My mum is being supportive because she's my mum and knows that I'm not a malicious person. Put the phone down on my husband because the conversation was starting to become abusive which while he has every right to be like this i couldn't listen any longer

OP posts:
dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 02:05

of course your mum is supporting you - she wants her gc to have parents who stay together. You are going to have to listen to him though and as your marriage is at stake I would say that talking with a therapist there is essential. He needs to hear that you love him and want him and will change.

BOFster · 20/01/2015 02:05

How was the conversation starting to be abusive? Be honest. Was he just ranting and being angry? Because he's allowed to do that. You've abused the fuck out of him by your actions.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/01/2015 02:06

Tbh,if I done that to someone I would wholly expect them to call me every name under the sun and say horrible things.I'd think I'd deserved them too and I would cry,but I'd be wanting to make it better and accept my guilt and show them just how sorry I was by doing that

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/01/2015 02:11

Honestly,OP,I think that if you want to fix this you have to listen to and accept his anger and feelings.Otherwise you would be expecting it to be brushed under the carpet and if that happened things would never be right.

WanderingTrolley1 · 20/01/2015 02:20

Your poor DH - of course he's going to be furious!

Get help for your alcoholism!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/01/2015 02:20

I'm uncomfortable about description of the phone call as 'becoming abusive'.

Was it? Really? Are you sure?

Because that makes you into the victim and neatly avoids facing up to what you've done. Maybe he was out of order, and of course he doesn't get carte Blanche to be abusive just because you've behaved disgustingly... Two wrongs done make a right and all that. But, I think it's very easy to slap a label on anyone shouting or losing it, and therefore deflect responsibility away from yourself. Oh I don't know. I do know it's not fair to judge him for shouting or crying or hitting out at you (verbally of course) trying to make you feel as bad as you've made him feel.

Not things to be proud of, but surely understandable given that you've betrayed him and broken up your family, violated his home and safe space, etc etc etc.

I think you need to wait for him to calm down a bit then try and talk to him again. But you're the one who's done this and you cannot try and force him to react in the way that's best for you. I am sorry though. Get help for the drinking.

textfan · 20/01/2015 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadwidow28 · 20/01/2015 02:23

dwarfrabbit said: oh stop telling the poor woman off sadwidow

Well someone has to speak plainly - and many more have done so after me.

The OP has even put the phone down on her DP when he became angry! He did the right thing and put distance between them tonight - but why should he be out of the house and away from his child?

I know who I feel sorry for .....

lunar1 · 20/01/2015 02:25

How do you think he was becoming abusive? Are you sure he wasn't just venting his anger, verbally at the person who just wrecked his life?

The least you can do is listen to him.

dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 02:31

He left - he wasn't put out of the house like the cat. I feel sorry for them both. This is a hideous situation and I'm sure we've all thought 'what would I do in such a situation?' - offering suggestions may help her salvage what is left of a ten year marriage. Berating her with rhetorical questions isn't going to help her at all with the herculean task of repairing trust and love. She hasn't tried to justify or condone her behaviour at any point tonight , so piling in to condemn her is unnecessary and counter productive.