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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've made the worst mistake of my life...

165 replies

neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 01:18

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

OP posts:
Topseyt · 20/01/2015 02:40

It strikes me here that drink is your enemy and you need to accept that. It sounds as though you do. I think you know deep down that you must knock it on the head, but knowing that and successfully doing it are different things and you may need a lot of help. Start with your GP to discuss medication and counselling for alcohol abuse and find your local AA support group.

Whenever your husband calls you try not to get defensive and hang up on him. That might make him think that you just don't grasp the scale of the problem, even though I would say from your posts that it looks as though you do. You have a child together, so my guess is you will hear from him again before too long. He needs to know that you understand his perspective completely. Send him an apologetic text re the hanging up. It was possibly rather dismissive of his point of view.

Your husband needs time and space now. There is no guarantee of the outcome you would like here. Get your head down, work on the alcohol problem and make sure you are serious about it. Show beyond any doubt that you will never let it threaten your family unit ever again.

That probably sounds harsh, but for years I have seen first hand the effects of problem drinking from my BIL. It cost him his marriage, access to his child and his home. The fallout was terrible.

That way lies only problem after problem. Get help now, and I do wish you all the very best.

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 02:54

I am listening. I am taking full responsibility for this... I was letting him vent before. I know I'm not the victim. I'm sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 02:58

My dad is an alcoholic. I should know better. I am an alcohol abuser. I go for weeks without drinking. See those girls in town on a Saturday night falling over. That's me. There's no way I'm going to be like that for my daughters sake whatever happens. I've got shit self esteem. I have pressed self destruct, only I've hurt the person I consider to be my soulmate.
I take all of your criticism...

OP posts:
SomebodysRealName · 20/01/2015 03:03

I've just seen this thread OP. Hope you're ok. You've had some really good advice. X

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2015 03:10

Had to put phone down on him cause couldn't listen any more
Seriously? You sleep with a man in a home you have built with your husband, but you can't listen to his upset anymore?

Put the phone down on my husband because the conversation was starting to become abusive which while he has every right to be like this i couldn't listen any longer Nice, so now you make yourself the victim.

Well someone has to speak plainly - and many more have done so after me. Exactly...and I hate to say it, but if this was a man talking, the response from post 1 would be a LOT different.

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2015 03:13

Berating her with rhetorical questions isn't going to help her at all with the herculean task of repairing trust and love

but neither is giving her unconditional support. In her first post absolute zero sympathy for her dh, then when it looked like some where siding with him, he became abusive...

Hmm
dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 03:18

Done with the rhetorical questions. nighty night. Good luck op - I'll be thinking of you and your family tomorrow x

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 03:19

It's honestly not like that. I just came on here to talk to somebody. Yes, my husband deserves the sympathy. I'm not asking for that. People do horrid things. I am one of them. I'm still human though - I will suck the criticism up from the people who truly know me.

OP posts:
HelloItsStillMeFell · 20/01/2015 03:20

If you were telling us your DH had done this virtually every single person on this thread would be telling you that he is the worst sort of utter bastard and to kick him out and never, ever take him back, because if he's done it once he'll do it again. Lying, cheating scum, etc., etc.

And if you were a man you'd be getting a much, much harder time on here than you are now. No-one would be saying 'poor you.' So just bear that in mind when feeling sorry for yourself over the next few weeks. Whatever names your husband wants to call you however much he shouts at you, you just have to take it on the on the chin for a bit. You owe him that. Your depression is completely irrelevant in this. Completely. Don't make yourself look shallow and self-absorbed by using it to justify or excuse what you did or by playing the victim. It will make him even angrier.

I hope he comes home. It's a taboo thing to say on MN but marriages can sometimes withstand one night stands or affairs, and wronged partners do sometimes choose to forgive, against all advice. Let's hope your DH is one of them. But you can't expect it to happen within hours of him finding out. He needs time to think things through.

Who did you shag? Is it someone your DH knows well? Is it the husband of a friend?

dwarfrabbit · 20/01/2015 03:22

oops we crossed lines differentname. If you check my first response, you will see that I offered her support in terms of advice - to give up drink and to seek therapy with him. My support doesn't come with any conditions. Now I need to sleep!

JeanSeberg · 20/01/2015 03:24

Be completely honest (at least with yourself if not us) but it seems highly unlikely this is the first time something like this has happened if you've a history of getting so pissed.

magpieginglebells · 20/01/2015 03:26

If he is going to forgive you then you will have to listen to his ranty phone calls and

magpieginglebells · 20/01/2015 03:29

..I can imagine give up the alcohol. Who was the person you slept with? You'll also need a full std check etc.

If this was a man posting the advice would be very different. Give him space, he may want to try to make it work once he has processed it but he may not. If it's a deal breaker then no amount of begging will make any difference.

Original poster
neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 03:29

Someone who is a friend of a friend. No wife. The party had finished. We were talking. He was upset about a potential girlfriend blanking him. We were talking nonsense for ages. I was completely wasted. We kissed, started to have sex for about a minute until I reached some kind of sense and thought what the hell was I doing. Remember apologising profusely and went up to bed. Husband asked questions, I denied everything because I was a coward. He posed as me and messaged the person. He told me this and I admitted it all. I am aware that if I was a man it would be perfectly acceptable to berate me. Go ahead

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 20/01/2015 03:33

If you were telling us your DH had done this virtually every single person on this thread would be telling you that he is the worst sort of utter bastard and to kick him out and never, ever take him back, because if he's done it once he'll do it again. Lying, cheating scum, etc., etc.

Not to mention the "I bet this isn't the first time" etc etc

HellKitty · 20/01/2015 05:09

I'm awake. How are you feeling other than the obvious?

Use this time to get off alcohol completely however tempting it might look now. Go for counselling for this and your self esteem. I can't say whether he will come back or not. I wouldn't. But I do know marriages which have survived similar and have been better (or I've been told they're better) for it.

kinkytoes · 20/01/2015 05:35

You will need to let him have his say. Being angry with you and telling you how he feels will be part of his healing process. You'll just have to deal with it, if you really want your relationship to survive. Stifling him by hanging up will not help. Pull the phone away from your ear if you really have to, but DON'T hang up. Good luck to you both.

Blu · 20/01/2015 05:51

Oh, God , neuroticneummy, what a horrible situation to be in. I can't imagine the mix of things you must be feeling . Very painful.

Will you be ok looking after your dad today? I am glad your Mum is staying close.

In due course there are lots of things you can think about to build things up: stop drinking, counselling , etc, but for now hear your DH out and focus on being a great Mum.

exWifebeginsat40 · 20/01/2015 05:54

I'm a recovering alcoholic (9 months sober) with depression and other mental health issues. I've done some awful things over the years when I was drunk.

first thing is to deal with the drinking. you need to deal with it - AA, or your GP. do it today. you clearly can't go on like this. yes you have devastated your husband and possibly ended your marriage - how much is alcohol affecting your relationship aside from this incident?

like I said, I've done some awful things while drunk. ultimately it cost me my daughter, my job, my marriage and my home. I had to get sober or die.

don't be me.

Thumbwitch · 20/01/2015 06:32

Is this your rock bottom, OP? Is this the arse kicking nudge you need to go to AA and give up drinking now? It wants to be, really.

Your DH may forgive you, he may not - but you need to take control of the only thing that you can, and that is your drinking, before you can even consider asking him to think about it.

You were out of control on drink; you have no way of knowing if you'd do the same again if you were in the same condition and position, and neither does your DH.

So your first step is to get sober and stay sober. Being a binge drinker might make it easier, as you don't drink every day; but you have to realise you cannot drink again, as you clearly have no "off" switch.

Once you're sober and have been for a minimum of 6 months (this is the other side of what I would say to someone in your DH's position - minimum of 6m needed) then maybe your DH could see his way clear to giving you another chance; but while you're still drinking I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot bargepole and I don't suppose he would either.

Jackieharris · 20/01/2015 06:38

If you were 'completely wasted' do you remember consenting to sex?

simontowers2 · 20/01/2015 07:00

Alcohol is a complete red herring here.

Topseyt · 20/01/2015 07:14

Alcohol is NOT a red herring here.

cubedmelon · 20/01/2015 07:17

I do hope your DH can forgive you. Hard work ahead for you OP.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/01/2015 07:20

Oh ffs Jackie don't bring that in.jeez

Op,for someone who was 'completely wasted' you have a brilliant recollection