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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've made the worst mistake of my life...

165 replies

neuroticnewmummy · 20/01/2015 01:18

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

OP posts:
highviolet · 21/01/2015 17:47

'It can happen to anyone' This was not a 'happening' it was a choice. Please don't start absolving yourself of responsibility by framing it like this. Your husband can say this happened to him, not you.

Fontella · 21/01/2015 17:51

Don't be so quick to judge ....

You fucked another bloke in your own home OP and betrayed your husband and child in the worst possible way, yet still you try to mitigate - getting pissed to the point of oblivion once a month isn't so bad after all and lots of people do it... and so on. You referred to it an an 'incident' in an earlier post, and twice have referred to it as something that has 'happened' to you, 'can happen' to anyone and so on, like it's a random event that happened to you, rather than you making it happen.

There's no 'judging' involved, but you do seem to be having real difficulty in taking ownership of what you have done:

I will probably not drink again but this is a once monthly thing. Yes, pretty destructive but how many people in this country are out at the weekend doing destructive things. A lot of people. I came to get some support, I got some from some lovely open hearted people. It can happen to anyone

It's all mitigation and deflection and 'buts'. You clearly don't like criticism and home truths at all ... as evidenced by the fact that you won't even hear it from your husband, so I'm not suprised you don't like reading it here.

Support and 'open-hearted people' are all very well, but if you don't own what you have done, stop trying to negate it and face up to the harsh truth with all that entails, then all the support and open-heartedness in the world can't help you.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 21/01/2015 17:53

well said fontella

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 17:53

Looks like you're starting to back out of responsibility for your actions here, OP!

HelloItsStillMeFell · 21/01/2015 17:56

Yes Random it wasn't her who fucked another man, it was her low self esteem, her depression and her unfortunate habit of occasionally getting totally slaughtered and to the point where she is not in control of her own actions.

Bloomingflower1 · 21/01/2015 18:10

Ill support you OP but your comment about probably not getting drunk again also causes me concern. There can be no probably` about it because if you do then you run the risk of committing adultery again (I assume you had intercourse). You cannot afford a second mistake like this (assuming your husband forgives you the first), but you seem to be already suggesting that you might get pissed again. If you can do what you did in your own house, then you might be very tempted if you find yourself drunk and away from your place of abode.

Perhaps you aren`t that bothered about losing your husband after all. I knew a woman like you long ago. She was very aware of her failings when drunk, and to the best of my knowledge avoided alcohol for the rest of her life. She had counselling, which did seem to help her, but then she did accept that she had a serious problem.

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 18:12

How is your husband doing, had he been in contact?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 21/01/2015 18:13

No OP,it 'couldn't happen to anyone'. Take some responsibility and stop blaming the drink deciding g it overpowered you.

If you were aware enough to recall the details,conversation etc beforehand and aware enough to STOP after a minute because you knew what you were doing and knew it was wrong then you were not drunk to the point of not knowing what you were doing and not thinking straight.

Utter rubbish to be trying to blame it all on drink and just unfortunate circumstances that could happen to anyone. It really couldn't!

RaisingMen · 21/01/2015 18:14

Lost all sympathy after your most recent post OP. You're not sorry and you won't stop drinking. It doesn't matter if it 'only' happens once a month, your alcohol issues caused you to do this to your husband. Your issue. Take responsibility!

And no, it's not the type of thing that could 'happen to anyone'. I have been on anti depressants long term, I have drank to excess in the past but I can confidently say I wouldn't fuck another man in my husband's house while he was asleep upstairs.

kinkytoes · 21/01/2015 18:16

Just wow. Your poor dh.

HellKitty · 21/01/2015 18:22

A lot of people do destructive things and it can happen to anyone? No. I've been pretty slaughtered in my time and whatever relationship I've been in at the time I haven't fallen on another man's cock. So please don't assume we all do it.

You don't want to hear what your DH says as its 'abusive'. You don't like some of the posters who've commented here as they're too mean. Sounds like you can't take responsibility. Blaming the drink, your depression, your ADs. Even your mother is supporting you! And all top of all this you can't guarantee that it won't happen again. I'd have thought this was the wake up call you needed.

winkywinkola · 21/01/2015 18:23

Op, you need to be really really humble.

You have to accept what your husband has to say to you.

I'm not sure there is a way to come back from this disaster. I cannot imagine how hurt and devastated he must be. What a horrible shock for him.

Please let him express his utter distress to you. It's the very least you could do after doing what you did.

MarshaBrady · 21/01/2015 18:24

I don't think this can happen to anyone at all. It's huge. I couldn't forgive it.

MarshaBrady · 21/01/2015 18:26

I don't buy the I have a drink problem either plus it just happened. Too easy.

How would you feel if your dh did it?

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 18:26

I also thought this would have been a wake up call. I'm worried that you have further to fall yet before you realise you need to tackle this alcohol problem.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 21/01/2015 18:29

OP, I feel for you. You've done something stupid and bitterly regret it. But binge drinking to the extent where you do something which jeopardises your family is a problem. You don't have to be a gin soaked harpy to be an alcoholic or have a problem with alcohol.

You gave the impression you wouldn't have done this if you hadn't been drunk. If this was me (and believe me, there's times it could have been) I would be doing everything in my power to show my husband I would never do the same thing again. But if you continue to binge drink once a month (or once a year, whatever) you are actually saying "I will TRY not to do it again, but as you know I can't always control myself"

magpieginglebells · 21/01/2015 18:30

I have been utterly wasted on many occasions and have never and would never do this. It would not just happen to anyone.

You need to take full responsibility for this, your last post suggests you're looking for excuses.

Romeyroo · 21/01/2015 18:30

My father was an alcoholic and I think there are known mental health and behavioural issues to do with growing up in that environment. I personally don't drink, but I can see how binge-drinking beyond the point of responsibility is a form of self-harm.

There is also a lack of boundaries which is an ACA problem -OP should have stopped the encounter when friend of a friend was offloading in a one to one setting. She should have stopped the encounter when they started kissing (why on Earth friend of a friend did not see this was wholly inappropriate either is anyone's guess!); OP only drew the boundary when it had progressed to sex.

So, this is not a case of a pre-meditated love trust; I actually also think the alcohol problem is only part of the issue; I would tend to see this and the depression as behaviours resulting from growing up in a dysfunctional home. The 'soul mate' comment also suggests a lack of personal boundaries.

The question is with the anti-depressants, what other therapy has been offered? Because I personally would be talking to a GP rather than AA and asking for a referral to whichever mental health and addiction unit near you deals with this type of problem.

That is regardless of what the situation with your DH is.

JapaneseMargaret · 21/01/2015 18:32

Yes, other people binge drink and are alcoholics, but that doesn't make things any easier for your husband, or your child. What do other people's situation have to do with your situation?

I think, thanks to your most recent OP, you will find support from even the most kind-hearted on this thread start to dry up.

Take actual ownership of your situation, and make meaningful change, and the support will be there.

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/01/2015 18:37

give him time and show remorse

take the shit he throws at you (metaphorically)

Oh Op what made you do this? why?

alcohol or not what made you fall on someones cock, as whatever you say your DH will think it means you dont fancu him, that this man was fitter etc

I think whatever happens you need to work out why it happended, as this is what we do when we are 21 year old students (for example) not married women

are you happy? any other issues? why are you binge drinking? and if you binge drink alot, how come this is the first time you fucked anothjjer guy

you owe it to him and you to work it out

bless you, you sound distraught and its sad to read

Tutt · 21/01/2015 18:39

I don't think the problem is the booze, it's a lack of self control.

OohIsThatAFlake · 21/01/2015 19:01

AA isn't for everyone - try Smart Recovery UK online right now

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 21/01/2015 19:13

As well as AA, could you try and get some counselling either alone or as a couple, because I think the drink is only part of the problem.
What was your relationship like beforehand, because maybe what you did is a symptom of other relationship issues.

Make it clear to your husband, that you take full responsibility for your actions, that you love him and that you will do whatever it takes to win him back. Even if you don't get him back, your actions will make it easier for you to cope as a single mum.

Don't use the same tone that you did in your previous post, as it did not come across well.

Good luck

Vivacia · 21/01/2015 19:14

Make it clear to your husband, that you take full responsibility for your actions, that you love him and that you will do whatever it takes to win him back.

I don't that she does or intends to though.

Thisishowyoudisappear · 21/01/2015 19:14

Agree AA is not the only way, but it's not an either/or thing - it's perfectly possible for OP to go to a meeting and go to her GP and look into other methods for addressing her drink problem. Going to a meeting would enable her to access some real life support from other people who may have been through stuff like this. As she is on ADs already she is already in contact with GP I assume, and unless she has access to private healthcare the MH support she will get will be limited and take time.

OP, you have done something awful, but you can still move forward from this, whether your DH forgives you or not.