I've made the worst mistake of my life...

[neuroticnewmummy]

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

Exwifebegins has spoken some very sensible and honest words, listen to her.

I have mixed emotions for you, I know drink can be truly evil, it too cost my brother, his home, children, job, family and then last July it cost him his life.

I went through various stages with my brother, sympathy, anger, frustration and ultimately against everything I thought was right, I had to walk away. He died a very angry lonely man and my heart aches for him. But it was affecting my life, full time work, two small children, very elderly unwell parents on both sides and I couldn't deal with it.

Your husband may feel he has got to walk away, to preserve his self respect, sanity and peace of mind. Maybe he will get through it but you need to never drink again, not ever, no matter what happens with your husband, you've crossed a line, you cannot handle alcohol and it stops now.

I have sympathy with you, but only if you stop drinking now, maybe your husband will feel the same.

I have more sympathy with your husband and his heart must be breaking, does he have a good network to support him? Encourage him to talk to people, he needs to do that and not take it all on himself.

And you need to listen to him, I'm sure it will hurt but listen, apologise and listen again.

Now do not wallow in self pity, get up, do whatever you normally do during the day and ensure your daughter is not upset by any of this.

Good luck

of course your mum is supporting you - she wants her gc to have parents who stay together

I am sure she does but she also loves her daughter.

As an aside, I don't understand how the location of the betrayal makes it worse.

I think the drink and what it does to you is what has to be faced. Your first priority should be to eliminate it from your life completely.

Can I ask why your dh was suspicious when you came to bed? Was the man you slept with also drunk and out of control? If not what on earth was he doing ?

Oh Neurotic this is a pickle.
Poor DH to have this in his own home.

Be brutally honest with yourself now. Did this happen because you were wasted or is a part of you not really ready for marriage?
Clutching at freedom when drunk could be a sign that you're not ready for marriage.

It's going to be a fucking mountain to climb to get over this with DH and that's on the off chance he will even consider trying.

Be cruel to yourself and kind to him, you have no reason to drag him along in a marriage that doesn't have your heart in it.

Sorry your in this mess and best of luck to you.

I'm marking my place for later. OP, I've been exactly where you are and I will PM you this evening. Deep breaths and get through today. Ignore the stomach churning nausea. And accept a hug from me (())

Jackie, that's dreadful! OP can't suddenly accuse the man of race because things have got shitty! She needs to take responsibility and not pass it off on the OM! No where in her post did she indicate that she didn't consent, she changed her mind and they stopped.

Actions like that give women a bad name!

Op I used to have a massive problem with alcohol too and I've made some truly embarrassing and awful decisions re men when I've been drunk because of it.

I think the best thing you can do is to show your dh you are serious about not drinking anymore by going to the gp and getting some help. It won't change what you did but it will demonstrate you are sorry and acknowledge what a huge problem you have.

For the record I stopped drinking when I met my dh 5 years ago ish as he was teetotal (just because he doesn't like it for all kinds of reasons) and I literally haven't touched alcohol since.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can drink occasionally or just have a little. When you are an alcoholic you cannot drink ever. Literally never. It's too easy to fall back into.

Was the other guy "wasted" too?

Horrible situation but you are going to have to deal with the consequences, try to be practical and take care of your little girl and yourself today.

How was your marriage before this?

Hopefully things will look better now it's the morning. Best of luck to you all.

Do you want to give up alcohol?
Would you accept professional help?

I feel for you OP. I have issues with binge drinking too and have lost people I cared for a lot by losing control and making horrendous decisions. May I ask how old you are? It isn't entirely relevant but I know in my case it took til around 26 til I accepted any responsibility. I'm still scared that after a few drinks I suddenly slip from fine to horrendous & am accepting that alcohol is just a no for me

Jeez, why are we focusing on the alcohol? I would bet my bottom dollar there is much more to it than that. Always suspicious when people use the phrase 'soul mate'. Usually used in context of argumentative, volatile relationships. Sorry OP, but you knew what you were doing and still chose to do it anyway. You may well have alcohol issues but they are completely irrelevant here. Nobody who loved somebody would knowingly do something so utterly vile to them. Personally, i think the relationship is completely doomed.

Op, did you say you had 'sex for about 60 seconds, before you realised' to your husband?! If you did, that's really bloody. It's like saying 'I have so little regard for our life together that I threw it away without thinking, but it was only for a bit, so that's OK, isn't it?' Horrible. Depression is no excuse either, I have been hospitalised with it and managed not to cheat on my DH. You have spent this whole thread wallowing in self pity, which you have no right to do IMHO. You got so drunk, you crossed a line, you brought yourself and your daughter to this point. Take some responsibility for what you have done. Work on yourself, give your husband space, let him say whatever he needs to. You made your move, it's his turn now.

Simontowers you may or may not be right about the relationship being damaged beyond repair, but you seem to be suggesting to someone who has admitted she is a problem drinker that alcohol is not part of the issue. It is, and the OP has said as much herself.

She needs help to stop drinking, not to be told it is a side issue or a red herring.

Alcohol DOES absolutely make some people behave in ways like this. It tends to remove inhibitions too much in susceptible people.

If this were me, I'd tell my husband that I really wanted to save our marriage. I'd tell him I'd made an appointment with the doctor and was going to the AA that week. I'd tell him how desperately ashamed I was and that I wanted was to regain his trust. That I'd be waiting to see what he wanted to do next.

Give him time, and in the meantime stop drinking for good and build up your reserves whilst you wait for his decision.

I hope you are ok this morning OP, I have been cheated on in the past so I really do feel for your DH, the sense of utter betrayal can be over-whelming but I can sense from your posts last night that you know how badly you have behaved and that is a start. Give him time and then see if you can talk about all the issues you have spoken of here, the alcohol, the depression and ultimately your marriage and whether or not it can be salvaged.

Are you on anti-depressents? They made me go crazy on alcohol and do really extreme self destructive things.
I really feel for you. I also used to binge drink and do really stupid and self-destructive things. I can quite clearly picture how I might have done something like this in the past despite loving someone dearly. They just wouldn't have featured at that point. The alcohol would have given me direct access to all the messed up self loathing and insecurities.
I think people that haven't felt that way or been screwed up in that way won't get it. It's not cheating through selfishness or for gratification. It's self harm pure and simple.
I know how much pain you must be in right now. I hope you can get things worked out.

I wouldn't forgive you, but I'd respect you for giving up the drink permanently.

I'd never forgive somebody who did that to me. In fact your husband sounds like a saint, if I was him I would honestly have nothing more to do with you. I'd make sure every single person knew you were a cheat and that was why I had left. In his home as well, if that were my house it would be on the market asap, I wouldn't be able to stay there, to relax, eat or sleep there. It would make me physically sick knowing what my partner had done in my house.

Have you thought about getting an std test? I'm assuming you didn't use a condom if you were that drunk.

Do you want to stay with your DH OP? Is your marriage worth the unbelievable effort that you're going to need to put in?

Personally I wouldn't listen to abuse either, talking, ranting, yes, name calling, no.

I hope you're managing to begin to find your way through this today, one way or another. I'm glad your Mum Is supportive. I'm not a big believer in heaping shame on people for this kind of thing, you know what you did and the only people who know the inside of your marriage is you and your DH, the berating you're receiving on here is irrelevant and I wouldn't take much notice if I were you, there's plenty of good advice in amongst it though.

Jackie, thats appalling.... The sort of thing the usual LTB suspects would throw out there, although surprise surprise they've not posted in this thread........

Ok you've done something stupid and awful.

People do stupid things, people do awful things.

You don't have to be stupid and awful from now on. Change. Stop drinking. Be better.
That's all you can do.

It'd be nice if every "I've slept with someone outside my marriage" thread received the level of understanding and compassion this one has. (I mean that.)

NickiFury the OP cheated on her husband, I think him calling her a few choice words is the least she could expect.

OP you need to stop drinking, I don't know what else to say because if I was in your husband's position I'd walk away.

I'd love to see how a this thread would have gone if it was a man coming on here, saying how they boned some woman for a few minutes because they got drunk, in their wife's house while she was upstairs. Then lied to her about it the following day, then when she called after she left, hung up on her because he couldn't deal with it...

Agree with Simon, re "soul mate". The use of that phrase says a lot about the relationship IMO.

I hope you're ok OP.