I've made the worst mistake of my life...

[neuroticnewmummy]

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

I would suggest that the reason you put the phone down on him was because you were unable to hear his hurt and that is something that IF you are going to get back together/have any form of relationship you need to hear him, however hard that is.
The same as if he cheated on you.
Put yourself in his shoes and think of how you would feel and then how you would want time and space, want answers and also for the person who hurt you to a) hear your hurt and b) make them hurt back.

You have no choice but to give him time and space, please don't offload your guilt to him or make excuses as that comes across as victim and wont help the situation. You have to swallow what you have done and be an adult.

I am glad your Mum is supporting you, I don't get the outrage that she is TBH as she wont love what you did but she will always love you.

OP you fucked up, we all do one way or another BUT this is now after that fuck up and what you do now will determine the outcome.
Be sorry, show remorse but also show that you care by doing as he asks.

OP I sent you a PM.

I agree with other posters on this one. It is crucial you get to AA asap. Not just for help with the problems you face when you do drink, but also because it is a clear message to your husband that you are taking things seriously. You are actively doing something about your problem, not just talking about it.

Expect lots of anger and hurt from your husband. You have to take it if you want your marriage to survive. By the way, if it does survive it will be different, hopefully for the better. There is hope for you but you have to get off your arse and do something about it. Feeling sorry for yourself won`t get you anywhere. Take control of yourself and your future.

I think getting in touch with AA is pretty urgent. See it as an investment in your future and that of your husband and child.

I appreciate that it will be some time before you will see how things are going to pan out between you and your husband, but as already stated, it gives a clear message out that you are remorseful and are serious about tackling your issues.

Yep, you need to stop putting off the alcohol issue.
You NEED to show that you realise how very very much you fucked up, and one way to do that is to immediately address your drinking - not "some time later".

Yes you need to look after your little girl, of course you do! But how is that stopping you from going to the GP, or finding an AA meeting to attend? It isn't of course! So sort it out pronto. Otherwise how is he ever going to believe that you will do ANYTHING to make amends?

OP we all make mistakes, and some are easier to live with than others. I don't know what will happen with your husband as it's very early days, but I just wanted to say well done for acknowledging your issues, and I am wishing you the strength to deal with them and move forward.

Look after yourself.

Wishing you all the best for the future. I think you've been given an unnecessarily hard time on here, given that you are clearly already very remorseful and not trying to justify things in the slightest. Hope you and your husband can get over this and it at least acts as a catalyst for quitting drinking.

My exp used my depression as an excuse for him having an EA. I wasnt allowed to be angry, he just wanted me to put up and shut up about the whole thing. Yeah I wanted to call him every word I could think off to vent my anger, he would turn it back on me.

OP, you need to put your hands and accept that you cheated, part of you was probably flattered by the attention of another man. Stop drinking because AD's and booze are a bad mix.

You need to own this situation and wait for your DH, dont get angry if he cant forgive you, because you made this, you have to accept what life will be from now on.

I agree you need to sort the drinking out now whilst things are still very painful. It won't take long for things to be amicable with your dh, you feel a bit better, you get used to feeling guilty - and the edge goes off it.

The motivation to sort yourself out will wear off.

Do something quickly OP. You CAN manage to phone the GP and make an appointment and you CAN manage to find out where your nearest AA is and phone them. Both those things will take 5 mins each. Showing that you are really taking this seriously will show your dh just how much you know you messed up, and how far you are willing to go to change.

Also, it will help your depression to DO something. I speak as someone who fights with depression, and life can get overwhelming. Doing things and taking steps to sort things out really does make you feel a whole lot better.

If this had been her husband who slept with another woman at "their" party then all of you would be screaming to dump him immediately and telling her it's unforgivable and how he is a pig etc etc etc.

I've read about husbands on here cheating and all of you are calling for his to be hung, drawn and quartered... Exactly why is this different?

The first reply ("poor you") just says it all here... ridiculous.
Drink is no excuse, all drink does is bring to the surface what we are thinking about doing. The OP deserves to be divorced over this.

Double standards doesn't even come close here...

"all drink does is bring to the surface what we are thinking about doing."

No, I don't agree with that. Alcohol can have strange effects on people, not just removing their inhibitions - especially if it's combined with other drugs (prescription in this case).

Harsh unbelieveableuk......the lady has issues with drink. There is an inherent bias on the website but not on this thread. Said lady needs support. Most responses are focused on getting the lady to go to AA or counselling.

I agree Thumbwitch.

It's also pretty common for some people to be majorly affected in a negative way by some brands of antidepressants alone, even before mixing with alcohol.

I was on a high dose antidepressant for a year or two during which time I felt mentally better than I ever had but during which I made some extremely questionable decisions, which I am still living with a decade later. Like all medications they work differently depending on the individual. I honestly believe my dose was too high and was in effect "high" for the almost two years I was on them.

As for the double standards, I think that's nonsense too, it seems a pretty equal split on this thread and you won't find a thread where I, personally am ever screaming for a mans blood because of infidelity just because he's a man.

I agree with unbelieve. This is the most ridiculous thread i have ever read on MN. The OP put the focus on alcohol issues as a deliberate distraction from the outrageous act she has committed, and now posters have all done the same. Yes, mn is for supporting people but what if an unfaithful man posted here for some support? Would be get that support? Would he bollocks, he would be thrown to the lions. I get the feeling this poor bloke is being manipulated in a massive way by the OP; and on a regular basis.

So what's your point unbelieveableuk? That we should all be calling her a pig and telling her that she should hang herself? Really? That's your contribution on a support thread?

I said it before, I'll say it again, I get your point, and I agree with it to some extent, but continuing to make it is not supportive to the OP and that's what this forum is about - support.

I'm with unbelievableuk and have frankly been amazed at some of the responses to this thread.

She got pissed up and proceeded to fuck a bloke in her home with her husband and child upstairs.

When her husband reads her the riot act over her appalling behaviour ... she puts the phone down on him ... because she 'can't listen to it.'

If you can't listen to it from the person you've betrayed so appallingly .. then who can you listen to it from? He doesn't even get to rant poor sod .. she puts the phone down on him.

All my sympathies lie with the husband and if I were in his shoes, I'm afraid I wouldn't touch a wife who could do this to me with a barge pole. It doesn't get much worse really.

I also agree that if it were the OP's husband who had done this to her .. the responses on here would be very, very different.

I get what you are saying unbelievableuk though a lot of us have actually been saying that the OP must accept whatever her husband eventually decides, along with his entirely justified anger because she has brought it on herself. If that decision is divorce then so be it.

She has to stop drinking, for herself and for the sake of her child at least. If she wishes to have any chance of convincing her husband to try again at their marriage then it will have to be when she is well and truly sober. Whether or not that will ever happen, or whether it will be a case of "never the twain shall meet" is anybody's guess.

You do have a point though with regard to a few of the responses. Yesterday we even stood accused of telling the OP to stay on the phone to her husband and allow herself to be abused, which was total bollocks.

The OP has a mountain to climb to get control of her alcohol problem. I do hope she can achieve that. It won't be easy.

I also feel the most sympathy towards her husband, who must feel very betrayed and humiliated. I think he holds the cards now, and that is as it should be.

Topseyt it's right here on the thread. Not sure why you've brought it up AGAIN, after I had hoped we could agree to disagree and tried to turn the thread back to the OP. You've also denied it AGAIN when anyone can go back and read the thread and see it.

What am I supposed to have denied, Nicki?

I don't honestly see why you are so riled. You have your point of view. I have mine.

I'm not riled Topseyt, I didn't bring it up again did I?

Let's just leave it there shall we? There's been no deletions on this thread as far as I know so those who are bothered, if anyone, can see for themselves can't they?

Who could blame him if he lost his rag?

No one.

The OP doesn't have to listen to it though. She really doesn't.

Oh I really think she does, actually. I think that's the very least she can do, is to listen to him and try to really feel how hurt and devastated he is.

Only on MN could the OP's husband ranting and calling her a few choice names (entirely understandable under the circumstances) be labelled her 'being abused.'

Yes, mn is for supporting people but what if an unfaithful man posted here for some support? Would be get that support? Would he bollocks, he would be thrown to the lions.

The simple fact is that for a man, this wouldn't be considered a 'support thread.' There would be no soothing platitudes of 'poor you,' 'stop telling the poor man off', 'I really feel for you,' 'best of luck' etc. etc. someone even sent the OP because the poor little love feels bad a what she's done. So that's nice.

Look, I don't object to the fact that she is getting some support to come to terms with what she's done, I just wish it was a bit more even handed and less bloody hypocritical around here sometimes.

Okay. No need to get into debate. I know I'm in the wrong. I am seeking help with aa. I'm going on friday. I have got a binge drinking problem. Yes it's a drinking problem and I will probably not drink again but this is a once monthly thing. Yes, pretty destructive but how many people in this country are out at the weekend doing destructive things. A lot of people. I'm genuinely remorseful. I feel sorry for my husband. I'm a person, not some evil gin soaked harpy. I think people forget that just because they are online real peoples lives are affected. I came to get some support, I got some from some lovely open hearted people. This time last week I was coming home from work like some of you and I hadn't done this stupid thing. I had a husband who I loved. It can happen to anyone. Don't be so quick to judge...

no judging here.

if my dp did this i would be DEVESTATED . there would be screaming and shouting. crying and berating. i love my dp and don't want to be without him. i would i think TRY and be able to forgive him. i would probably want joint counselling and even then i can't promise i could get past it. i think i would try.

id need space to get my head straight but obce the anger died down id maybe in the mood to talk.

have you heard from your dh?

Yes it's a drinking problem and I will probably not drink again but this is a once monthly thing. Yes, pretty destructive but how many people in this country are out at the weekend doing destructive things. A lot of people.

I don't think that this is your rock bottom OP