I've made the worst mistake of my life...

[neuroticnewmummy]

Lying in bed. My husband left hours ago. At the weekend we had a party. I am an awful binge drinker. Ended up having sex with another man. I denied it at first but husband found out. Been together for over 10 years. He is literally my life. Never cheated before. Husband is rightly devastated and angry. This took place in our house. I hate myself for doing this to my family. My poor child is sleeping in her bedroom unaware of what a fuckwit her mother is....

Well, we can discuss that thread when it happens overslept. I get your point, and I agree with it to some extent, but continuing to make it is not supportive to the OP and that's what this forum is about - support.

I have done exactly this before, though not to my current DP. When I met him, I stopped binge drinking (unless I was with friends I trusted completely) because I knew I would have done something like this otherwise. I'm a really promiscuous, flirtatious drunk. It doesn't make what the OP did ok, but knowing that about herself, she needs to put plans in place to make sure it cannot happen again.

I think you are going to have to give him time, he is hurt and angry and probably doesn't know which way is up just now. If you have a record for binge drinking then he may well be questioning if you have done this before.

The ball really is in his court and if your relationship is otherwise good, he may be able to move on. People do.

Give him space, in the meantime, show some commitment to getting help with the alcoholism. Whatever happens with your DH, you need help with this.

Really Tyzer maybe you'd be willing to accept that but I wouldn't, from anyone.

I don't tend to comment on these kinds of threads because as I said previously I see no point in piling on shame and abuse in these situations. I was cheated on prolifically in my marriage and there was no point whatsoever to any of the verbal slating and tears. I should have just left him and be done.

Personally I think there would be no way back from something like this and OP or her DH should probably just end it.

I agree with Vivacia.

There are little enough supportive spaces for women, personally I will continue to contribute to making THIS one of them. Plenty of places for men to go for support.

NickiFury If I ever cheated on my missus I'd expect to be called a few choice words too. Anyway, that's the least of the OP's concerns.

Well that's up to you. Personally I'm uncomfortable with a woman being told to accept being abused and called names because she's behaved badly.

NickiFury, I think that the thread title suggests that the OP does want to stay with her husband. Didn't she even call him her soul mate?

The husband would have to be a total saint not to react to such behaviour. So he uses a few expletives!! It is hardly surprising having just been made a fool of in his own house, by his own wife ffs.

The OP admits she has a problem with drink. She has no off switch when it comes to alcohol and binges badly. I'd be willing to bet that he has been embarrassed by some of her past behaviour when she has been drunk, but on this occasion his wife crossed a line too far. Would anyone really say "ah never mind, its OK because you were drunk, just forget it"?! Totally unrealistic.

The OP must stop drinking completely now. Partly to try and salvage her marriage, and partly because they have young child and she needs to remain capable of looking after her too.

I think you're misunderstanding me. No where have I said he shouldn't be angry. The OP was berated by others on this thread and told she needs to accept what she referred to herself as "abuse" because of what she has done. I disagree with that and nothing will make me change my mind. I simply do not agree with "shaming" as a "punishment", not with children and certainly not with grown adults. This in no way diminishes her actions or detracts from how awful her DH must be feeling.

Nobody has told her to accept being abused. What a ridiculous comment!!

People are saying that actions have consequences and that the OP has to accept the consequences of her actions. Why on earth shouldn't she?

I'm afraid you're wrong. Please read back through the thread. She's been told a number of times that her DH has a right to say these things and she should not have hung up but listened, even allowed herself to be called "every name under the sun".

Thank you, I have read all of the thread. He does have a right to react, and who could blame him if he lost his rag. It doesn't make him an abuser necessarily. In fact, he has put distance between them, which is a good thing for now.

The OP knows she behaved very badly towards her husband. He is entitled to be very angry about it. He is entitled to make sure she knows that. Who wouldn't? She should not have hung up on him because if she seriously wishes to repair her marriage she needs to take his feelings seriously and not be dismissive of them.

Who could blame him if he lost his rag?

No one.

The OP doesn't have to listen to it though. She really doesn't.

You're clearly of the opinion that her behavior means she does. I am not and we are just going to have to agree to disagree on that.

I'm leaving it there because this is taking over the thread and it's not fair on OP.

I did some crazy crazy utterly out of character shit when drinking alcohol on antidepressants. Def a v. Bad idea.

I thought you weren't suppose to drink any alcohol on anti-depressants.

Quite. Like I said v. bad idea. They do NOT mix and certainly in my case lead to some crazy crazy stuff happening

OP. Get on the AA website or phone them and go to the very next meeting near to you. Don't procrastinate.

I agree with PP who said this is a form of self harm. You need to stop drinking, and you need support to do it. God knows what you might do to yourself next time you get drunk. Let this be your rock bottom, you don't have to sink any lower.

Why on earth is everybody arguing about their opinions and trying to justify their own point of view? This thread is not about you, it's about the op whose asking for advice, not character assassination and in fighting. I very rarely comment on these type of threads because of this type of behaviour, it's one of the things that really cheapens MN.

Sorry op, but I don't have much advice to give. I feel for both you and your dh and hope you can find a way forward, together or apart.

Thanks. I am very lucky. My husband is being amicable as our first priority is our little girl. I have really messed up and my husband has the right to be extremely angry, hurt and whatever happens we have to make sure that we do the right thing for her. I am truly remorseful and don't think that it is acceptable to cheat. I am going to try and give him the space he needs

What are you doing to address your drinking OP?

I am going to try and give him the space he needs

What about your drink problem?

Good to hear from you again OP. Hope you and your husband can find the best way forward now for you all as a family.

Have you contacted your GP or AA yet about getting help with the drinking?

Not yet but intend to. Just about managing to get dressed and look after my daughter.

I didn't mean that we are back together. I don't know whether that will happen. I just meant that we are trying to communicate re our daughter. We are not talking about the incident. It's all too raw

OP, I think you need to show him you're sorry. Prove it. You said binge drinking had been a problem. Stop drinking alcohol completely.

Good luck.