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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh hit me, I called the police, and nobody has come. ..

202 replies

greenbananas · 17/01/2015 23:38

Just that really. My 6 year old told me I must call the police. This was a couple of hours ago. He stayed up as long as he could, but is now sleeping.

I don't know what I am going to say to the police if / when they come.

OP posts:
Blackout234 · 18/01/2015 14:21

Namechange- Its not unfair, its the truth. the OP didn't want him back at first, now she has him back. she will likely be manipulated into not pressing charges and working "To make him change" Anyone whos seen or experienced DV knows this doesn't change. he will promise the world and give you a black eye, green..
I know what i said is harsh, but not unfair.

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 14:25

KirJava, that's a dreadful story! I'm completely sure DH won't react like that though. We have been married for 9 years, and I can predict the aftermath with reasonable accuracy.

Today, he has been super-hands-on dad with DS1, and they've had a great time doing craft activities. He let me have a rest in with DS2 without raising even the slightest murmer of complaint. He is totally on his best behaviour.

I've told him I've been "referred to Domestic Violence", that I've spoken to Women's Aid and that there is likely to be an automatic referral to social services. He is just as freaked out by this as me, and I am certainly safe for today!!!

Blackout, I'm sorry to hear you've been going through such a terrible time. I hope you're feeling safer now, and that things are improving? Like you, I have memories of my dad hitting my mum.... she left, but she did nothing rash or in a hurry. My mum looked around to find what her options were, took her time and made a careful exit plan. Her life afterwards was massively successful, with professional training and a whole new career that she loved. Her first priority was to put safe walls around us (her children) and she did this by thinking carefully at every stage. I am planning to take her approach.

OP posts:
PrettyPenguin · 18/01/2015 14:30

You need to get an order to stop him coming back into your house. If you do not do that, you should NOT, under any circumstances, be letting other people's children into your house. It is NOT a safe environment and I would be absolutely furious if my childminder had my children in her house after a DV incident when the offender was still free to come and go as he pleased.

If you want to continue childminding you need to prevent him from entering your house.

Cabbagesaregreen · 18/01/2015 14:34

Op, I think you might need to mention to your ds's school what happened. There is a very good chance he will tell someone and better to hear it from you. They need to know so they can keep an eye on him.
I agree re other children. Perhaps make an excuse why they can't come round. It's not appropriate you have other peoples children there.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 18/01/2015 14:38

Could you explain to him that ss will be less reactive if he is living elsewhere? It seems daft that he still wants to be there if he can stay at his parents.

londonrach · 18/01/2015 14:42

Op i hope you ok as like others im worried. Yes you safe now but last night your 6 year old ds was worried enough to ask for the police to come. Im glad you got the ball rolling and seeing someone tomorrow. However the fact that your dh is acting the perfect dad today is worrying. Im sorry im worried. Whatever you decide id suggest you start a nest egg, enough money for a hotel room, taxi, food, have some friends you can contact late at night if you need to. Keep a bag of pants, socks, toothbrushes etc for you and dc ready. Really keeping my fingers crossed this is just a one off.......Hmm. Loads of mntters have been through what you have been though xxxx

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 14:50

My six year old "stayed up as long as he could" because he wanted to tell the police what he saw. I chose to let him do that, while gently encouraging him to go to bed. Okay?

Look I know I'm not perfect in this, but I don't need a load of criticism about having had a few glasses of wine. What's done is done, it won't be happening again, and I need to stay focused on what happens next, rather than getting upset about all the mistakes I have made.

I'm going to let the children come round for best tomorrow, on the principle that dh won't be here, I don't want to rock the boat until I've found out what the legality of the situation is, and I will be calling ofsted as soon as they open at 9am tomorrow, after the school run. There's nothing to be gained by adding more drama to an already horrible situation. I will also talk to the teacher first thing tomorrow morning, and ask to speak to her in more detail later.

Nickynscky, your post made me cry, although I'm sure that's not what you intended. I have to go through with all of this now.....and its scary, and I am grieving for my marriage and my children's future maybe without their dad living with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 14:52

For "breakfast", that was meant to say! Although I do think it is for the best, until I have more information tomorrow.

OP posts:
JoanHickson · 18/01/2015 15:03

I would be furious not only at you allowing your husband back in the home and putting my child at risk also at you making the calls you are when you were to be looking after my child.

Cabbagesaregreen · 18/01/2015 15:11

Perhaps it's worth moving this to relationships and focusing on the whole picture rather than on just what happened last night.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 15:16

OP, are you okay physically ? Any bruises/grazes/cuts ? It might be an idea to photograph them and/or consult with your GP to get them on record (as useful proof if required later)

You are making the right decision to carry on the momentum you have started by phoning SS and Ofsted tomorrow. Take the RL advice they offer and follow it to the letter, documenting as you go.

I think people should back off a bit on here as too much pressure will make OP disappear and then she loses this avenue of support.

I got the idea the children arriving tomorrow are just cared for like a breakfast club, then after the school run you are free to make the required calls

Good luck, OP

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 15:19

I expect even more posters in Relationships would be telling the OP to leave immediately or telling her to a non molestation order straight away even though she's made it clear she is acting but needs some space.
I'm concerned that she posted for help and now feels very defensive.

londonrach · 18/01/2015 15:21

Agree any. Op mn will always be here for you no matter what. Any problems someone will have been though the same thing and will direct you best. Just keep yourself and dc safe. X

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 15:21

Thanks AF and perhaps I shouldn't have said what I said about Relationships.
Glad you feel people need to back off a bit.

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 15:22

Joan , the children will be at school when I make the calls! i care for school aged children only, and they don't even know what dh looks like! He leaves for work at 6am.

Only my own two year old will be here when i make the calls straight after the school run. nobody's children will be at risk between 8am and 9am tomorrow.

Please stop making assumptions about me!

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 18/01/2015 15:26

Op you do sound in control of this situation and seem to have a plan about your next steps. That is fine for now as you are coping the best you can. Ignore those few people who seem to think you can up and leave to some magic place just waiting for you. Hope your DS is ok today. Just keep following through with all of this in needing to get your DH out of your life. Good luck.

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 15:28

Yes, thank you AnyF. I'm finding this all hard enough as it is! I called the police again just now, to ask if I can make my statement when dh is not here and ds1 is at school and doesn't have to hear it.

I'm not physically hurt, no bruises, he just knocked me to the floor. It's the fact that it happened in front of the children which has made me take action.

I am a good childminder, though I say so myself, I love my work. I am going to need this livelihood. ... believe me I will do nothing that puts any children at risk, my own or anybody else's.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/01/2015 15:29

Yes, legally I can't keep him out.

You can, but you have to apply for an injunction.

And TBH, I'd rather act illegally than being at risk of being hit again.

Contact NCDV today to ask for a free urgent injunction or no-molestation order. 0844 8044 999

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 18/01/2015 15:33

I was goon to suggest calling the police back.

What did they say OP ?

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 15:35

OP, they way you say you H is "equally as horrified as you" about the balls you have set in motion...I have two things to say about that

  1. he set them in motion, not you

  2. please beware that if the RL agencies see fit to escalate the situation to a safeguarding one or a further police matter that the two of you do not end up uniting against it, in an "us against the world" mindset. It will work against you and you will be seen as capable of protecting your dc

He is responsible for this, and him alone. No matter you "provoked" him. The actions of a grown man should be to walk away from provocation.

I would pay no mind to his Mr Family Man shtick other than it gives you space to get the RL support you need. Ultimately, you need him out of the house before he does it again. You know he will because he is escalating. You can no longer (as you rightly say) fool yourself that the dc are not involved

Let this be your line in the sand, with no wavering or reconsideration from you

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 15:36

so many typo's sorry ... not capable of protecting your dc

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 15:40

Well said AF

ghostyslovesheep · 18/01/2015 15:40

has a MARAC been arranged or proposed - that would normally happen when children are in the home?

(Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference)

I would be very concerned at my children being at the childminders if there was domestic violence there - sorry but I would

Lweji · 18/01/2015 15:45

I would be very concerned at my children being at the childminders if there was domestic violence there - sorry but I would

Me too.
I don't even allow unsupervised contact between exH and DS.

For your sake, your children and your business, you have to get him out of the house. Never mind legalities.

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 15:52

yes AF, don't worry, I am not fooled for a second by the super dad routine, and I will certainly NOT be defending dh instead of putting safe walls around my children! He has brought all this on us himself, and I can't save any of us from the consequences now, whatever they turn out to be. i will not be going to a refuge or hotel, i have to think about the safety of my children and they wouldn't be safe there.

I know that it will happen again. .. Maybe not in the next few weeks or months, but it's only a matter of time, I have been slowly realising that for the last few months.

I asked hours ago for this thread to be moved to Relationships. No doubt mumsnet will get round to it eventually.

I am going offline for a bit, to do some cooking and housework and play with my children. Thank you all again for all the useful information and support.

OP posts: