dh hit me, I called the police, and nobody has come. ..

[greenbananas]

Just that really. My 6 year old told me I must call the police. This was a couple of hours ago. He stayed up as long as he could, but is now sleeping.

I don't know what I am going to say to the police if / when they come.

And go where?

That again would have been useful for police to tell her.

I just think they did fuck all really didn't they and gave her no pointers on what to do in the morning, what her options were, who to talk to, anything.

People don't know what to do when this stuff happens, surely, most people don't have knowledge on how to get to a refuge and stuff until it happens to them. I would have thought the police would have given her some clues as to what she could do / where she could go / whether she could or should keep him out in the morning and so on.

I just think it's useless.

I also think "just up and leave and leave all your stuff and your workplace and everything" is a really glib sort of response. It's not as easy as that, is it, which is why so many people stay in situations for such a long time.

I phoned the police when my ex physically forced me out of our house and locked the door. The female police officer actually wanted me to go stay somewhere else for the night as "Being a female I may kept winding him up, we know what girls are like eh."

I think because I wasn't crying or had bruises they thought it was nothing serious. I have phoned them twice and I say they are rubbish.

It sounds you are being pro active and women aid are brilliant.

Yes, legally I can't keep him out. Also, I know nothing further will happen for a while and I want to take advice about what to do next.

Leaving is not an option. I have nowhere to go that is safe. ds1 has very severe food allergies and I can't cater for him anywhere except my own kitchen. a refuge or b&b would not be able to feed him.

Also I have two chilminded kids coming round for breakfast tomorrow. dh will be at work, and I can't afford to let them down.

I know social services might well take a dim view of dh being here, and that's why I'm going to ring them tomorrow.

if you take him back after you have called the police your job will be in jeopardy i imagine. his job will also be in jeopardy.

if he agrees to go perhaps you dont need to involve police.?

Sorry op but I don't think you can count on your childminding anymore. I am sure you have to declare what happened regardless whether he sees your mindees or not.

What will a Judge do to you, for the crime of not letting a Man who assaulted you back in the house?

I will call ofsted tomorrow and ask for advice about the childminding aspect of this.

Does your husband know you called the police?

Ask Women's Aid if you can get an injunction to get him out of the house.

Have a google and find out where your local IDVA service is (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate). With a lot of them you can self refer and as the name says, they will advocate for you with SS, schools, police, courts, housing etc. if none of that seems applicable to you right now, just having someone on your side will be a massive help.

And you can keep him out btw. You can apply for a non molestation order based on what he's done.

You absolutely did the right thing in involving the police. If you do need to take this further and get legal then having some kind of evidence, the police, your call to WA etc. will all help in terms of getting legal aid.

And no, this isn't your fault and you didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter what you did, he chose to hit you. This is nothing to do with alcohol or anger management or anything else. There isn't any excuse for his behaviour, regardless of how he has spun it to you. Some people behave badly when they drink, some people drink so they can behave badly but none of it is a reason or justification.

And yes, the police were and often are shocking with DV cases. Which is why I'm saying to contact your local IDVA team. They know their stuff, can give you advice and they'll take you seriously and believe you.

Good luck. If you take nothing else from this post, please try and hold on to the fact that you didn't and don't deserve this (easier said than done, I know).

Op you absolutely did the right thing in calling the police. If nothing else it will help you to obtain legal aid under the domestic abuse exemption. You are also doing the right thing by contacting ss - there will be an automatic referral if there were children present at an incident, and taking the lead in speaking to them will be so much more beneficial.

If you do not want your husband to return, your priority should be contacting a solicitor, obtaining authorisation for legal aid, and asking them to apply for an occupation order which will prevent him returning home in the short term. If you rent your home, particularly from a housing association, it should be quite easy to get his name removed from the tenancy, at which point you are legally entitled to change the locks and prevent his access. If your home is owned it's more complex and you should ask your solicitor for advice.

Dont you have to declare anything like this to OFSTED if you are a childminder?
And can I ask OP- do you have issues with alcohol?

I know that I wound dh up last night, and was argumentative. I am not at all proud of myself, and part of me feels I deserved what I got

Well then you need help to deal with psychological issues as soon as possible because no-one ever deserves domestic violence. It doesnt matter how many times you think you "wound" him up. You say you want the best for your children yet you allow this man back in the house who hit you in front of them. I dont mean to be harsh but this is not wise.

Also, I know nothing further will happen for a while and I want to take advice about what to do next.

Does this mean you are planning to leave, or make him leave, OP?

MNHQ can move this to relationships if you ask, you'll find lots of people who've been through what you're going through there who will have lots of advice.

OP SS will not see you allowing your violent husband into your home where your children live as a good thing. Please leave him.

I had a friend who went through some horrific emotional domestic abuse. Every time she called the police they looked at her like she was a bit mental and "what do you expect us to do about it?!"
This behaviour from police should ALWAYS be challenged as it's not how domestic abuse should be handled.
DH is a police officer and was shocked by her treatment but couldn't get involved.

I haven't read all the thread but I would call and challenge how they dealt with it.

Hope you're ok op. You've done nothing wrong

I wondered this too. Not because you'd had a drink but because you were so drunk that a six year old had to become your carer and decision maker. I'm hoping it was a typo. That your dc is 16, not 6. I'm not saying it would be any less horiffic for a 16 year old to be in this position but particularly if you have become reliant upon a young child, make him your inspiration to ensure these attacks and this level of inebriation can't happen again.

They will do anything to avoid being in the wrong when you complain. As I say I know two cases where the Met police really made out it was the victims fault and they were mentally ill. The damage caused to children is a crime and expense to the tax payer because of sloppy policing then covered up is a crime imho.

The IDVA sounds like brilliant advice. As does the non-molestation order.

Also, call the police in advance of him coming back and be very specific. Say things like "I fear for my safety if he were to return. I feel threatened and distressed. I fear for my safety and that of my children if he were to return. What do I do if he comes back?"
They will log all of that and then if he comes back you can call 999 and they will see that you called. Then they should come and remove him. They should be arresting him for assault. And they still should be?!

Yes, legally I can't keep him out.

You can with a non-molestation order. Urgent orders can be made in cases of DV, which take immediate effect. You don't have to allow your DC to be subjected to this or to be at risk of this at all.

Thanks again to all of you who are being supportive. (I'm trying to ignore the couple of posters who feel I have psychological problems and a drink problem!)

yes I was decidedly tipsy last night, and I'm not defending that, not at all! I was not so incapable that I was relying on a six year old to be my carer!

It was ds1 who said "I think you should call the police, mummy" - he said it before dh had even finished slamming out of the house and before I'd had time to gather my wits and get up off the floor. To my shame, I asked him if he was sure, if he really thought I should. I have apologised for that this morning, and told him it was not his responsibility to help me decide, and that I would have called them anyway, no matter what he said, because it was the right thing to do.

keeping dh out of the house now would cause a lot of possibly unnecessary upset for the children. We are safe at the moment. whatever I do, I will do it in a calm and measured way, and I will be calling social services and ofsted at 9am tomorrow morning.

You need to be careful of the new(it) rules from OFSTED about disqualification. here

Your at your most vulnerable right now at the time of ending the relationship. Please go out to the shops with dc then a late meal cinema. Can you get a cheap hotel booked tonight?

The thing is, I don't fear for my safety today! I know (from bitter expedience) that dh will be on his very best behaviour. My priority today is to recover a bit, have a good think and make sure everything is as calm as possible for the children. They have had a trying time too. And I still have to organise feeding them etc - is difficult to cook and sort things out when I'm trying to

Sorry. .. to get a non-molestation order from police officers that I didn't find that helpful in the first place, and who I'm not totally sure took me seriously.