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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh hit me, I called the police, and nobody has come. ..

202 replies

greenbananas · 17/01/2015 23:38

Just that really. My 6 year old told me I must call the police. This was a couple of hours ago. He stayed up as long as he could, but is now sleeping.

I don't know what I am going to say to the police if / when they come.

OP posts:
Idefix · 18/01/2015 08:49

I hope you are ok op, you did do the right thing.

kungfupannda · 18/01/2015 09:01

You did the right thing calling the police, but there wasn't much they could have done different. If he'd still been present, they would probably have arrested him based on your initial information, and then come back first thing to take a statement so that he could be interviewed.

As it stands, I would imagine they will make the relevant referrals, and then someone from the DV team will come and take a statement, and then your husband will be located, if at all possible, and either arrested, or asked to come in voluntarily for an interview.

Assuming they do come back, just make sure you don't downplay it this morning now that the initial shock has worn off.

KirjavaTheCat · 18/01/2015 09:13

Hope you're ok this morning OP.

kungfupannda is speaking a lot of sense, it's better they take your statement in the cold light of day. They weren't judging you, this is their job and I'm sure they understand. And I'll bet they were asking about depression as a matter of routine.

NCIS · 18/01/2015 09:24

They will take it seriously but can't take a statement from someone who is clearly drunk, it could seriously damage any case. Depression could easily be relevant if they were then worried about the OP and childs safety. They have referred to the DV unit who will be following it up.
They couldn't arrest the attacker as he wasn't there but made sure the victim was safe and advised her to lock the doors. What else could they do?

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 09:39

Did they tell you what to do if/ , when he comes back? They said lock the doors last night but did they mean keep him out permanently or just last night? Did they tell you what to do next, as I wouldn't in your situation.

Fwiw I have had a statement taken, if that means theming the police stuff and them writing it down and me signing it, twice when I want sober.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 09:40

Twice when I wasn't sober! Bloody autocorrect.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 09:44

Why did they even ask if she was depressed? If someone had punched her on the street they wouldn't be asking if she was depressed. What does it have to do with anything anyway? Unless they had reason to think she was going to hurt herself or the children it's a bizarre and intrusive and irrelevant question. The way this was handled sounds appalling to me. Sounds like they focused on the victim and her actions and judged her, and did fuck all about the fact she had been assaulted. Useless.

Hope you are OK op.

ElsieMc · 18/01/2015 09:52

My DD was in a similar situation but had been assaulted before and her partner locked in the cells.

When she called again, she also got two young female officers who were just awful. It was only when a more experienced male officer became involved that statements were taken and matters moved within a month to court.

I think you need to speak to a senior officer today to see how matters will progress. The Police are supposed to take dv seriously, but as my dd was told, the quality of officers in attendance is extremely variable.

You need to have a plan in place regarding your DH should ss become involved, and it is likely they will have to refer the incident. You will need to show that you are safeguardiing your children.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 09:55

Autocorrect again. Should have been I wouldn't know what to do next in your situation, what advice were you given

Hatespiders · 18/01/2015 09:58

In my view, the op was reporting a crime, an assault, and in spite of the perpetrator not being in the house, they could have looked for him and arrested him elsewhere. It seems obvious to me that the op was perfectly able to write a post here lucidly and correctly spelt etc, so could have made a statement. I've watched those TV police programmes and even if a victim of assault has been drinking, the police still act upon the allegation and arrest the suspect.
There were 2 young children in the house, a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. I feel not enough was done for this lady and naturally she now feels as if she shouldn't have contacted the police at all.

paperlace · 18/01/2015 10:06

Op you were right to call the police Thanks

littleleftie · 18/01/2015 10:16

OP you were definitely right to call the police.

I had a similar incident where two young female officers turned up and to be frank they were clueless. They did arrest DH but then they brought him back to the house and told me not to keep calling them every time we "had an argument" The man had punched me to the ground and kicked me repeatedly, but yeah, OK!!

See a solicitor. You can get an injunction to keep him away from you and your home. Did the police give you a crim number or anything?

JoanHickson · 18/01/2015 10:23

This is what can happen and then it gets covered up and they attack the dv victim. The victim ends up being pounced on by other agencies who believe the police. As I said op speak to HV and GP before they get the police report.

The police can block their warped reports and you can be wrapped up in cp issues over their poor do handling then cover up. This is where agencies like ss get blamed, when they are working off police information.

JoanHickson · 18/01/2015 10:24

To be clearer, police can block you seeing what they report to other agencies.

Original poster
greenbananas · 18/01/2015 11:16

Hello, I'm back and want to thank you all so much for responding.

I've spoken to Women's Aid this morning, and they were really helpful. I have some telephone numbers for legal advice etc.

I don't know what will about the police, and if they will come back. I'd imagine there will be an automatic social services referral. After some consideration, I've decided that I would welcome a bit of help from social services, and I'm going to ring them myself on Monday morning, and ask what the best thing to do is in order to safeguard my children.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to allow DH to come back this morning (he went to his parent's house as they are away and he has a key). The children were asking for him, and were upset this morning. He is here now, and I have come upstairs to lie down for a bit as I need some head space and only got three hours sleep last night.

DH is back on the understanding that this becomes a completely teetotal house. Being cynical, I know that he will now be on his best behaviour for a bit, which gives me enough time to decide where we go from here.

I know that I wound dh up last night, and was argumentative. I am not at all proud of myself, and part of me feels I deserved what I got. Still, I know that a line has been crossed here, because he hit me in front of the children (and that's why I called the police, despite my own part in the argument, because I want ds1 in particular to know that this is not okay, and that there is never any excuse for it). He has hit me before, infrequently but a fair few times over the past couple of years, always when he had been drinking, but never in front of the children before.

I know that unless I prevent my children from witnessing domestic violence, then I am complicit in failing to safeguard them. This is why I'm going to call social services myself tomorrow and ask for advice.

I'm sorry this is rambly, but I am feeling very odd this morning. I think I am probably in shock. I just wish none of it had ever happened!

Thank you for saying that I did the right thing in calling the police. I think I would be doubting myself if I didn't have that reassurance. I feel like I've started something that I can't stop now - but I've known for a while that some sort of crisis was going to come sooner or later, and I would have to stop sticking my head in the sand and do something.

OP posts:
OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 11:24

I think it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Is it just his behaviour that gets out of hand when there's drink or yours as well.

There is a thread on here for people with more serious drink issues to pack it in entirely, DRY is the word that is always in the title.

It's no good it being a teetotal house if he can drink elsewhere and come back pissed. Or do you mean teetotal full stop which is a big deal and can be done but is going to need work, effort etc.

Hopefully you will get some support from SS etc I found them to be pretty shit with alochol related stuff so would advise that you (and DH) give some serious thought to all of this on the assumption that no-one is going to zoom in and sort it all out IYSWIM it might be up to you to do it yourself/yourselves whatever is best.

Also if he has hit you more than once that is terrible. I know about booze but not DV so hopefully WA / SS / some other posters will assist more on that.

Maybe start a thread in relationships if you want to talk more.

KirjavaTheCat · 18/01/2015 11:25

None of this is your fault. Alcohol is not to blame here.

He's hit you before, he hit you last night and he will hit you again. It's no more unacceptable that he hit you 'in front of the children' rather than in private Sad

I really hope you leave.

JoanHickson · 18/01/2015 11:28

Ss will not be impressed that your Husband is back in the home again today.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 11:29

Yes and what Kirjava said.

I think posting in relationships might be helpful & so that you can get support while you go through the process with SS and so on.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 18/01/2015 11:31

Police didn't say not to let him back though?

It's his home she can't keep him out without the police backing her up surely.

If I were OP I would have wanted advice from police on how to proceed in the morning, what is legal and what isn't, because I just would have no idea.

GahLinDah · 18/01/2015 11:32

It is not your fault.

You can wind somebody up all you like, there is no justification for violence.

Please don't blame yourself. Please think of what your child has seen and how this will affect him. No need to rush to get back to normal, to take him back. Give yourself time to think, you're probably sleep deprived and shocked.

You'll probably be contacted by the HV, they'll receive a police information form about the incident, and will have to follow it up, it's routine.
Don't worry, chat with them, they can signpost you to helpful agencies and offer extra support if you need it.

JoanHickson · 18/01/2015 11:32

I would leave with the dc than put them through listening to him hitting op again.

Inertia · 18/01/2015 11:35

I think you need your husband to stay out of the house until you have spoken to SS. Professionally, it doesn't look good that you have allowed a violent man back into your children's home and your childminding setting .

hhhhhhh · 18/01/2015 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 18/01/2015 11:38

Look, absolutely nothing you did could possibly mean that you deserved what you got. He crossed the line when he hit you the first time, the fact that he did it in front of your children is bad but it doesn't make it any worse than hitting you in the first place. Please get some urgent advice about getting him out. You know that he will do it again, and as his behaviour is escalating you know it will be worse. You have to protect yourself and your children.