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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I disgust my dp

299 replies

Imsogross · 13/01/2015 23:29

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated Sad

OP posts:
Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 18:23

I keep thinking I must ask dp if I can do this or that. I was treated like a child that needed to get permission for things.

I knows it's only been a day and a bit but I have all of these hopes and dreams. My heart is in my mouth and I can't catch my breath because I feel like I have to ask if I can have driving lessons.

He never used to let me out but over the recent years he did. I went to the pub everynow and then which was great. I find it hard to understand why he let me out. I used to think he's letting me out, he mustn't love me. I would get a horrible feeling cone over me. My friends dragged me out though lol

Is that weird?

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 18:49

Completely normal, it will hit you soon that you are free, :)

Jux · 15/01/2015 19:19

Oh yes, do learn to drive! It will make so much difference to you.

ptumbi · 15/01/2015 20:11

He told you you have Downs syndrome? OMG this man is evil; he knows you don't but he is throwing it at you as an insult! What a bastard. It's as bad as calling you a sp@@*c or ... I don't even know but I do know that he has zero respect for you, zero love for you and zero care for you (or anyone, I would guess). In fact, I would say he actually, actively enjoys hurting you, scaring you, demeaning and humiliating you.

That's the truth.

Start living like it's your life. you do NOT need his permission to do anything.

I must admit the OU course would frighten me too - but I looked at that link and I think I might do something! I haven't done any 'learning' since school - feel the fear and do it anyway? If youl'd like to give something a go, I'll go with you (online lol)

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 20:14

Strong when I left my abusive ex all I told my parents was that he was 'mean to me and I wasn't going to live like that'. To this day (almost 35 years later) my mum still doesn't know the extent of the abuse. She just took me at my word without having to know the gory details. All you have to tell your mum is that he is abusive and the relationship is over. Let her ask any questions she feels she needs to ask. Answer as honestly as you feel comfortable with and don't be afraid to end the conversation if you begin to feel uncomfortable.

Kernowgal · 15/01/2015 20:44

It is funny what the last straw can be - in my case it was a bunch of asparagus. A harmless bunch of lovely, tasty asparagus, but it was left on the side for me to cook while yet again he sat on his arse in the sunshine.

Tell your mum. I've not told mine the full story, and as a result I think she thinks our breakup was down to me being difficult, but the truth is that he was a nasty bastard, much like yours. Stay strong OP. I'm rooting for you. x

tipsytrifle · 15/01/2015 20:45

I used to think he's letting me out, he mustn't love me.

omg Imsostrong that is heartbreaking. I think it describes Stockholm Syndrome which might have been mentioned in a previous post. Time will heal this wounded urge to ask your captor/owner for permission. Learning to drive is a short cut to independence. You have to make decisions for yourself on the road, instantly too. Decisions are choices, which you have been forbidden from until you stepped out of the cage.

You are awesome!

Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 21:11

When we watched a film I would look at him at a funny bit to see if he laughed. If he did I laughed too. I have no idea why I did that?

axolotl209 · 15/01/2015 21:20

I've never posted before but I made an account because I was so moved by your thread. I just wanted to say: you are bloody AMAZING.

Your story is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read, and the way you've spoken to and about yourself is equally sad. It's so disgusting that a person could treat someone like he treated you... it's beyond horrible. He was unbelievably cruel to you for so long, so it's no surprise that you are so hard on yourself, but I hope that from now on you'll be able to start being kinder to yourself, like others have said. Smile

But I was so happy to read your last few posts! You are so amazingly courageous to have taken the steps you have, and now you can do so many new things! Learning to drive will make you feel so much better - the freedom is so brilliant.

I hope you're enjoying your freedom away from that useless drain on your life. You will be able to do so many amazing things for you and your children now. You were able to support a whole family yourself even while you had a shitty parasite attached to you, so imagine what you'll be able to do now. You really are incredibly strong and I am just so happy you've been able to fight for yourself. Flowers

Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 21:25

Thank you axo Smile

I can't say the whole relationship was bad because it wasn't. We did have good times.

I just need time to grieve for my relationship I think Flowers

43percentburnt · 15/01/2015 21:52

Imso don't be tempted to go back. When you waiver, we all have waivered, come here and post.

Fill your life with activities. Drawing, painting (I like colouring books! For adults of course!), write, make something. Chat on Mumsnet. Video games. Anything.

Your life will get better and better. But the first few months are hard. Speak to women's aid and read why does he do that.

He's a vile miserable little man. You sound fab. He doesn't deserve you anywhere near him.

Take care op, onwards and upwards xxx

Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 22:07

Away from dp I'm quite chatty and bubbly. Always the joker!

If you met me you wouldn't believe this had happened to me.

I have always wanted to make a quilt. I think I'll try that Smile

ThereMustAndShallBeTea · 15/01/2015 22:19

sostrong just caught up on your previous threads. I remember you, funnily enough I think of you quite often, partly because your thread was so sad and partly because we must be quite close to each other (you mention where you live in a previous thread). Do message me if there's anything I can do.

MeowImaCatfish · 15/01/2015 22:37

"It sounds daft but the way he is, is all i have ever known. He didn't let me go through the doors for years. People in my village used to joke saying my oh kept me in a cage under the stairs. That hurt me so much.
He can change though, he used to beat me up all the time but he doesn't anymore. But i'd rather take a slap than have this. This is getting right into my head." That's from your other thread OP, And THAT IS is ATROCIOUS! how dare he do that to a woman!!! My aunt was in a relationship like yours but a billion times 'worse', he used to beat her, never let her out, then one day decided she needed to get money for him them n the beatin stopped.. Thankfully they had no children but skip 6 years during which he always said she stank and everyone could smell her in public.. which led to her being agoraphobic, and similar things like calling her fat (at the time she was 6ft and 11st) led to her first becoming vegan then becoming anorexic and bulimic and after him cutting off contact with her family over 3yrs ish she was down to being 6st and in hospital with severe complications due to her eating disorders. he put that much fear into her that it took being 4 hours away from death due to malnutrition and starvation for her to realise he was scum. Tbf she was never the strongest person in any situation, but she needed years of therapy... And spent a year in rehab due to alcohol dependency. Also during the time she worked she saved 10,000 in her account which he had the pin to after he beat it out if her, but over about 3 years (when she was too sick and scared to go outside) he managed to blow all of it on himself... Leaving them with only benefits to live off which my aunt got a fiver of per week... This is a lot more sinister than your situation OP I get that but the thing my aunt always tells me is that compared to the emotional abuse she'd have preferred 20 more years of violence... Bearing in mind that she was hospitalised 5 times in 6 months with multiple broken bones 5/6 times and then with a gash across her throat from being 'mugged when she took the dog out'... In reality He locked her in the basement and left her there for 5 days... Then tried to kill her because she screamed and a neighbour heard her... Fucked up but goes to show how emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse... Leave this bastard of yours now while u still have your own mind, if he's this bad to you and has previously abused you then they are major red flags! RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!
Ps that bastard that abused my aunts doing time and isn't likely to be seen again in public for a good few years yet. He's also been legally ordered to move back to his own country when he's let out.

Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 22:52

Thank you tea

meow I'm so sorry for your aunt. I hope she's doing ok Flowers

axolotl209 · 15/01/2015 23:02

Sorry imso, I didn't mean to tell you what your relationship was like, I hope it didn't come across like that - it just made me so angry reading about how he treated you and seeing how harsh you were with yourself.

I hope you make the best quilt ever and are able to go out with your friends, make new friends, and be as bubbly and jokey as you want. It's amazing to read back over your posts and see how much the tone has changed... you deserve so much hope and happiness for the future. Flowers

Imsostrong · 15/01/2015 23:13

It didn't come across like that at all. It's good to get it all out of my system Smile

MeowImaCatfish · 15/01/2015 23:54

Thank you Imso, she's with a new partner (16 years down the line after an almost marriage and 2/3 long-ish term relationships), but he's lovely and adores her. They have a grandson who adores her too, her weights back to normal and her liver is fine now too, I mentioned your story to her today and she sends her love and best wishes for the future. Have a glass of Wine , chill out and enjoy these cyber Flowers benefit is that they'll never die Wink have you spoke oh housing association at all? Xx

MeowImaCatfish · 15/01/2015 23:56

To*

Ludoole · 16/01/2015 02:13

Just read this and im gobsmacked.... my heart breaks to think that anyone was made to feel like you were...
Well done for getting out. You deserve so much more than what you had!!
You are amazing! Keep strong!
Flowers

FoxgloveFairy · 16/01/2015 07:18

Just to add- op, reading your posts, you are not thick. Good luckFlowers

Jux · 16/01/2015 09:21

Imso, what a great idea - quilting! Creativity is incredibly rewarding and sewing is very caalming too. Did you know there are quilting conferences? You could drive off with your quilts and spend a day with people who enjoy it too!

Make plans for the future, fun things. Give yourself a small treat every day, like a coffee in Starbucks, or a square of chocolate, whatever floats your boat.

Keep looking forward Thanks

Longtalljosie · 16/01/2015 11:11

I'm sure you had good times - but you have to realise that was in order to keep you. I have been there too - you just think if you can behave a little better, not antagonise them, never want anything for yourself, you can have the good stuff all the time. But that's not the way it works. ALL of the experience - including the abuse - is all of the relationship. It will never change. And life is so, so much happier, freer, out of it Thanks

HootyMcTooty · 16/01/2015 12:15

Just caught up on this thread and wanted to add my voice to the support. Imso, I'm so pleased to see you've left, you really are doing the right thing. You deserve so so much better than that scumbag.

I think a quilt is a wonderful idea. Your freedom quilt.

Imsostrong · 16/01/2015 12:36

I sorry if I come across as an attention seeker.

I have bought some fat quarts. I can't wait to start Smile