I disgust my dp

[Imsogross]

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated

Well done, I'msostrong (nice name!).

It's the perfect time to get stuck into a hobby or to study for that qualification which will give you a leg up.....

I've never thought to get a hobby or study for a qualification. I wouldn't know where to start

www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses

Start here! It's lots of free bitesize courses. They are brilliant for finding out what you like.

Thanks mrsMinton

My pleasure. If you ever want a natter about courses etc then pm me. I am off to bed. I hope you sleep well Imso. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Thank you so much

Part of the reason you don't want to tell your mum is because the part of you which he's brainwashed is leaving things open so if you go back the abuse can continue. You can kick the door of your prison open just by telling her. Take a deep breath and do it

Second what LongTallJosie says. She is 100% right. As soon as you stop hiding the reality of your relationship the rickety house of cards that he's built around you goes tumbling down, and his hold on you is considerably weakened. These abusers only survive because their true colours are hidden from the world. The victims are cowed into silence through shame and fear.

As they say "go tell it on the mountain"! Find your voice and tell. Your mother, everyone if you feel like it - the more you talk the easier your life will become.

We already know how brave you are, just one more push, and your mum will know too.

I recommend the OU too, it is fabulous. Their course materials are so well thought out and considered, beautifully presented. They start at a position where they assume you know nothing and are very rusty, and move you along almost without you noticing! You get such a sense of achievement from it.

I always worry about college and stuff because I'm a bit thick and I can't handle being around groups of people.

I'd like to though

You are not 'a bit thick' at all, it is very obvious from your posts! I have zero, absolutely ZERO doubts that you could study a college course! I know sooo many people who have, and who have done well, and they are a lot older than you. And you don't need to be around groups of people at all, these days. So much can be done online, for starters.

Please don't doubt yourself - you have as much right to study and have hobbies and a fulfilling life as anybody else. I promise you!!

Very well put by longtalljosie - you'll be surprised how liberating it will be to tell your mum.

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free".

Tell your mum. It will be hard, but will be a strengthening thing. You'll find that a lot of your loved ones will probably say 'I thought things were bad' or 'I'm not surprised'. Friends and relatives see things, but at times they don't say anything because they fear you aren't ready to hear it. So tell, I think you'll get a lot of validation!

And look into a course. You only feel you can't do it because HE has made you feel that way about yourself. That is NOT YOUR TRUTH! It's his lies!

Who said you're a bit thick? Did he tell you that?

Reading your posts here make me doubt that it's true. Surprise yourself! Try one of those free courses, or if you prefer a face to face sort of class (and have a little spare cash - having got rid of him, you may have) try something at a local college, or a Foundation course at the OU. Weekly/fortnightly tutorials where you see a load of other people who really are eeling as uncertain as you are, can be very life affirming and confidence inspiring.

I don't know how to tell my mum or where to begin?

She knows certain things but I don't know if she can take it

I just wanted to add my voice and also say well done! Keep strong xx

Why don't you show her this thread?

Dp said I was thick. He said I was retarded and had Down syndrome.

My mum is going through a lot at the moment and I don't want to add to her stress.

Thanks all

Oh, sostrong I wish I knew what to say.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly who is wiser than me.

Just know that you are an inspiration. You've done well getting this far. And it can only be good if your mum knows x

Thanks wobbly

I'm considering taking driving lessons. Hopefully that will help my confidence a bit. God help other road users

Mothers always worry about their children, always, for the rest of their lives. She will want to know. She will feel hurt if you make major changes in your life and don't tell her or talk to her about them. That will add to her stress.

Lean on each other. That's what families are for.

Discard all these negative ideas about yourself, OP. You have absorbed them from your abuser and now you are free to start afresh

There, Jun said it perfectly.

And learning to drive is very empowering

Obviously Jun is supposed to be Jux.