I disgust my dp

[Imsogross]

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated

I feel ok in myself. Just a bit confused and unsure

Oh Wonderful! Stay strong!

Not wonderful that you feel confused and unsure. Wonderful that you've left!

He has really done a number on you hasn't he? you are confused and unsure? about the man who has told you he will never marry you, told you he doesn't want sex with you, humiliates you and contributes nothing to your and your kids life, is violent, does not work, and has quite plainly told you that you mean nothing to him. Please, please get away from this monster before he completely destroys you and your kids. He will never, ever change and you are in danger, sorry to say

I have feelings for him but I don't if it's love or just because he's all I am used too.

It's really not love. Sorry to be telling you how you feel but you honestly don't love him. He's all you have known since you were a teenager and he has worn you down with his abuse and horrible treatment over the years. You are trauma bonded to him which means you depend on him to make you feel happy and good after he has abused you. You have had your self esteem destroyed so you feel you can't cope without him. None of that is love.

It's conditioning OP. It's also a common feature of coercive control. If you want a more emotive word 'grooming'. I don't know how long you've been together or how old you were at the beginning but if he is all you've been used to, it will have skewed your judgement. I think someone mentioned 'Stockholm Syndrome' upthread. That's a psychological condition where people held captive believe they have feelings for their captors. It's a form of self-preservation.

You can & will recover from this in time because you are the strong one. The longer you are away, the more you'll get angry about his behaviour and the less your feelings will be. You'll have a lot more 'why did I put up with it?' moments - so be prepared - but that's just your mind working through it all.

OP you ARE sostrong!!
xx

It is strange when the straw that broke the camel's back appears to be something relatively minor in comparison to all the other shit you've put up with years.

My LBM (light bulb moment) was when he phoned me whilst I was on the way to my mum's and called me a 'thieving cunt' as there was apparently £100 'missing' out of the joint account. I worked 3 jobs at the time, he was unemployed and newly bankrupt so the only money that went into the account was what I had earned. He had shredded my card years ago so I had no access to the account whatsoever. That was it, that was what made me blow my lid. He text a few hours later apologising and he had 'remembered' he had taken the money out to pay his friend money he owed him. WITH MY MONEY!!! Adios twatbag.

Imsostrong it is unbelievably terrifying when you have spent your whole adult life with someone and don't know any different but, take it from a girl with experience, when you finally get out you find a strength within you that you never thought was there. And, when you're ready, when you start dating again your 'arsehole radar' will be in full swing and you will find someone that will make you question why you ever put up with it as long as you did.

imsostrong

I read your thread and felt so fucking angry for you and then so so sad.

Don't waste your life with this scum.

Keep moving forward And keep away from him.

Your feelings are honestly just because you are used to him. I left my violent H in September & I still love and miss him but that's because we were together years. They are just feelings though and your mental & physical health is more important.

Honestly keep strong and keep away. I'm not going to lie it is really really hard work when you have trauma bonded with someone, to keep them at arms length, I have had a couple of slip ups but I've got my own house now and I know I won't go back to the marriage, even though I wobble a lot. I am starting to like myself now a bit and you will grow to like yourself too. The more time I spend apart from him the more clearly I see. It's hard with the dc's but emotionally you have to make the break.

Congratulations Imsostrong on the name change and on leaving him.

I think the name change is crucial and now you've got unlearn all these horrible things you say about yourself like "I'm so stupid" etc. Notice everytime you put yourself down and make a conscious effort to be positive about yourself. It will take a little time, but it is also very important.

I had said 16 years that we had been together just in case anyone I knew seen this and put 2+2 together but it's 18 years we have been together.

I just wanted to add that you are a worthwhile person and I'm glad you are away from this man who has stolen you away from yourself.

Op you are bloody amazing!
Stay at your mums. You will have a fantastic life without him. X

I don't really have any good advice to give you but I wanted to say pls don't let this utter pig back in your life, it's way too short.

You know that you can't do this anymore so pls make this move away from him permanent. You say you have feelings for him, this is just because you feel vulnerable and he is 'familiar'; if you try and go no contact for as long as possible, the feeling of seeing him in this way will disappear, and you will really start to see him as he really is. And I can guarantee you that when that happens you will be VERY angry that he treated you with such utter disdain, but SO grateful that you got away from him.

For you

Imsostrong I came back to the thread to see if you were ok. I'm so very proud of you and the courage it must have taken to go to your moms. You have taken the first step and that is the hardest. I can't tell you how relieved I am too, because I felt so angry on your behalf that he was treating you this way. I'm glad your friend is taking you out Friday.

Thank you mrsminton

I sent a link to my previous threads to a friend. I have a lot of support at the moment

So glad you're getting some RL support. We're always be here too!

My life turned upside down when I was in my mid-30's and I've never looked back. it's a great age to start a new chapter.

Just popped back to see how you are doing and delighted to see your name change. You are. Name changing is just the beginning, it proves you have a different mindset now. Good luck and keep posting if you have a wobble. We're all here for you

I've just coloured my hair and had a lovely bath. My dc are fast asleep
It's this time when dc are in bed that'll I will find the hardest

What colour have you chosen? It will be hard at first because it's different, but you can do whatever you want with your evening. Have a bath. Read. Watch whatever you like. Chat here to us. Eat chocolate in your pjs or is that just me! and without dreading him being spiteful.

It's a chestnut colour. Nothing wild and wonderful but it hides the grey

Sounds lovely mine is a very wild colour and I have a lot of grey to hide!