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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I disgust my dp

299 replies

Imsogross · 13/01/2015 23:29

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated Sad

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 14/01/2015 09:44

Well done OP! What are the arrangements with the house you live in though? Will he move out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 09:46

Well done packing the bag. Are your DCs accounted for? Will they be joining you?

MollyMaDurga · 14/01/2015 09:47

Good for you OP. I hope you gain more strength as you are away from him and start on your life without him. Without him sucking your strength away from you by putting you down.. Glad you are not in the same house as him, I hope you will not go back.. It is so sad to read your stories and you are so much lovelier than he makes you feel. Anyone who makes you feel that bad does not love you, no matter how twisted.
Maybe take some help from WA, talk to a friend or your mum?

McFox · 14/01/2015 09:48

That's great OP. If the house is yours the police can be of help to get him out and allow you to move back in. Well done, it's hard to take that first step.

Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 09:49

My dcs are in school but will be joking me tonight.

Funny how him saying I smell was the last straw.

My house belongs to the housing association and it's in both names.

OP posts:
Allstoppedup · 14/01/2015 09:50

Get out OP. You and your children deserve so much better than this pitiful excuse for a man.

He has tried so hard to break you and chip away at every bit of your confidence and self esteem. He obviously has come so very close for you to still be there after this and the truly awful things he has done in your older threads.

You are a better, stronger person than this cowardly bully. I hope so much that I don't have to see another thread from you in another years time lamenting his inexcusable behaviour- unless of course it's one celebrating the anniversary of finding a whole new life of freedom and happiness away from him.

Flowers
Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 10:03

I was worried about writing on here again in case you all had a go at me.

Thank you for your support xx

OP posts:
WellTidy · 14/01/2015 10:06

OP, I wish you all the strength in the world. I don't often come onto the Relationships board, but your story is the saddest I have ever heard on MN or IRL. You do have strength. You have shown it already in working, supporting your DC and doing all that you have been doing. Use that strength now. Use it to make a life for you and your DC that you all deserve. Flowers

Theoldhag · 14/01/2015 10:07

Op stay strong sweetie, please please look to your future, one that you are happy and without him.

You will go through the states of berevement but this is normal, I suggest that you go to your gp and get some counselling inorder to give you support whilst you go through this time of change.

I would also recommend the freedom program, one day you will meet a lovely man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. You need to give yourself plenty of time to mend and heal from years of abuse before this can happen. It might take years but you will get there.

This is your life, live it for yourself and get as much support and help from those around you. One day you will find happiness, one step at a time.

Be kind to yourself, try to do one thing every day just for you.

Please make sure that you make a paper trail of his abuse so that should you need to take things further you can. Maintain boundaries with regards to him, and if need be go no contact and block him from being able to continue with his abuse.

I sincerely wish you all the best, Thanks (((hugs)))

Lweji · 14/01/2015 10:08

Have you contacted the house association?
You can tell him that you will take yourself out of the agreement and stop paying rent. He might then move out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 10:09

No one who knows anything about domestic abuse would have a go at you. We might be sad for you and we might urge you to act but we know that it can take several attempts to get away from an abusive situation and that it needs a lot of support and help.

Funny what the 'last straw' can be...

BuzzardBird · 14/01/2015 10:09

Tell him you decided to do something about the unsightly fat he was telling you about...so he has to leave. Thanks

McFox · 14/01/2015 10:09

No-one wants to have a go, everyone is just behind you getting out and making a life for yourself Smile

Your housing association should have a policy in domestic violence which will include emotional abuse etc. They may be able to work with you to help get the housing situation sorted out and either allow you to return home or transfer to another property. Good luck.

Lweji · 14/01/2015 10:13

Regardless of what happens, being alone isn't worse than being with a soul destroyer. I know it.
He does not love you at all. Those are not the actions of someone who loves.
But you are very worthy of love, which is why you should leave him. He doesn't deserve you.

Lweji · 14/01/2015 10:18

He doesn't hit me and he hasn't done for awhile which is good.

You wrote this earlier and it's so sad.
He does hit you. He just hasn't done it for a while. :(

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 14/01/2015 10:24

OP - you state above that the house is in both names yet, on this thread which you accept is yours link here on 21 Sept at 17.54 you state that the house is in your sole name.

Why did you put it into joint names????
Are you sure he is named on the tennancy?

Lweji · 14/01/2015 10:30

That was over 2 years ago.

Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 10:34

He wanted his name on it. I'm so stupid.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 14/01/2015 10:36

I'm glad to hear you've gone somewhere where you can have a breather, and start making plans.

Such as contacting the housing association and seeing how you can end the joint tenancy.

And here's a ((hug)).

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 14/01/2015 10:37

You know why he hasn't hit you for a while? Because he doesn't care enough about you to exert the energy. (And I'm not using the word 'care' in a positive way.) I'm sorry, but that's the truth of it. He is an abuser, emotionally, physically, and probably financially if he had the chance. He's so low that he would probably quite happily repeatedly hit you if you were of enough consequence to him.

Don't put up with this in life, ever. I know it's easy for me to say, and soon much harder to do, but you really are worth a fuck of a lot more than this.

You mention friends in your post...imagine what it would be like if one of them was your life partner (not the sex bit, but you know). You'd be pretty much guaranteed respect, companionship, support and love, right? You deserve all of those things, and would definitely receive them in a good relationship. They're normal. I expect you'd get them from you're friends right now, too, if you could find the courage to confide in them?

A wise old owl once told me that a relationship should be greater than the su of its' parts: that the act of being in a relationship should make you a better, happier person. Bear that in mind.

I am giving you more Wine

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 10:41

"I'm so stupid."

You're not stupid and you're also not 'gross' :) What you are is ground down by his repeated bad behaviour. It's not too late to be the person you want to be and have the life you want to live. You've made a really strong and intelligent step to leave and you're going to need ongoing support to stay strong & determined, but you're doing the right thing.

Start with another name change... how about 'Imsostrong'?

Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 10:41

I can't say everything is bad because it isn't but the bad outward the good.
I used to pray for him to hit me because the next day he would be full of regret and treat me like a princess.

I now know through reading other threads that it's part of the abuse.

I'm not going to tell my mum everything because I know she will kill him. Some of my friends are in relationships with my dps friends and they're going through the same thing!

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 14/01/2015 10:43

How would you feel if it was your dc treating their partner like this? or they were being treated like this? Because what you're showing them by staying with them is that it's ok. I'm not trying to be mean but if you can't do it for you please do it for them.

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 10:45

I've name changed cogito

I have asked what would he do if our dcs were treated badly by future partners and he said he would end up in prison. So why is it ok to do it to me?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 10:53

Nice name change. :) It may seem trivial but, when you're subjected to someone's repeated insults, it's important to keep reminding yourself that you are not the person they say you are. Whatever others say, always talk to yourself kindly.

It is not OK to treat you badly but he will never admit it. Treating you badly gets him the life he wants so he will not change. If he has friends who also despise women, all it demonstrates is that 'birds of a feather stick together'

Your mother is unlikely to literally kill anyone but, like others, she will be in a better position to support you if you tell her the truth. You and your DCs are all that matters now.