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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I disgust my dp

299 replies

Imsogross · 13/01/2015 23:29

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated Sad

OP posts:
ladybird69 · 14/01/2015 07:09

I'msogross please leave now and never look back. My ex called me a fat lazy smelly bitch and he was embarrassed to be seen with me! I was 8 1/2 months preg with baby No 3 and had SPD so I was on crutches! I stayed with him for 19 more years as I thought he couldn't mean it.
The last thing he ever said to me was I don't love you and I never have, your post just reminded me that, so he probably doesn't love you! Not even in 'his own way'
Oh yes and he wasn't gods gift to women and used to leave skid marks on the bedding! That's what I call gross.
But a decent loving person doesn't put the other one down that's emotional abuse.
Take care Op

Whocansay · 14/01/2015 07:13

I remember your thread about that horrible ring box situation. I guarantee that your friends already know what a cunt this guy is and are ITCHING for you to talk to them.

You are not disgusting. He is. He is a sadistic, overweight, lazy cocklodger who is enjoying projecting his own failings on to you. You can stop living with this you know. You and your children will be better off without him in every respect.

ladybird69 · 14/01/2015 07:22

Wtfhappened really I could write your story too almost word for word. These men prey on women like us. He tried to get me sectioned so that the abuse that came out in the divorce would be made look like a pack of lies/or all in my head cause I was crazy! These men are scarily clever and just pure evil. I too am having treatment for PTSD and severe reactive depression from his abuse. Get out now please Op

Redhead11 · 14/01/2015 07:37

You need to get out of this relationship for the sake of your sanity and for your DC. You don't want them growing up and thinking this is the norm. It is not. Your 'D'H sounds like a complete wanker and you'd be so much better off without him. It is scary to think of ending a long-term relationship - I know because I have had to do it - but I promise that you will feel better after a time. This is not healthy for you and I do hope you are able to break free of this horrible, horrible person. That stunt with the ring box was the cruelest thing I think I have ever heard of. You deserve so much better than this.

DurhamDurham · 14/01/2015 07:41

He has spent years eroding your sense of worth and self confidence. It's worked too, he even manages to convince you that you smell when you've only just stepped up of the shower.
What an absolute bastard he is, I really hope you get some help and support and feel able to get him to leave.

You deserve so much more than this, no one deserves a life like this. Good Luck Thanks

fairyfuckwings · 14/01/2015 07:48

I read the bit about proposing with an empty ring box in a pub full of people and my jaw literally dropped. I've read about some nasty people on here but that really is beyond the pale. He's an absolute cunt! No other words to describe him.

And the lazy fat bastard won't work? You are worth so much more than this miserable life. Please listen to what everyone is saying and kick the nasty waste of space out of YOUR home. Your life will be so much better without him.

GoatsDoRoam · 14/01/2015 07:54

Oh lovely. I'm at a loss at what to say. Is there any way you will believe me when I say that you are a wonderful, beautiful, deserving person?

Because you are.

You say that you know what you have to do (leave him), but that taking the next step is hard. I understand that. But you know what? You can take that next step. You do have it in you. You have survived his cruelty for over 16 years: it takes enormous strength to withstand that kind of assault on your very person!

I know you can do it.

Can you call 0808 2000 247 and get their advice on how to leave?

Velocirapture · 14/01/2015 07:55

He is terrible. Please get away from him. He adds nothing positive to your life.

GoatsDoRoam · 14/01/2015 08:00

Can I point out what a HUGE advantage it is that you work? So many women are financially dependent on their abuser. You are not: you have been single-handedly holding up your family practically and financially. So you already know that you can do it on your own: you already are.

I know you crave love. I understand how much that hurts. But what he is giving you is NOT love. He is tearing you down to make himself feel superior (the nasty tosser). No-one does that to someone they love. You may need love (who doesn't?), but you don't need that kind of toxic messing about, you really don't, it's harmful.

Love yourself enough to walk away from him. I know it feels weird, and you probably think it's impossible for you to love yourself. But if you start taking care of yourself - REAL care of yourself, by removing abusive tossers from your life - you will find that you had love all along, inside yourself. And it can grow enough to make the very idea of staying with inadequate abusive losers, unthinkable.

Please take care of yourself: you deserve it.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 14/01/2015 08:02

By staying with him you can expect nothing but more of the same misery. If you leave him you have hope.
Please talk yo someone in RL and start building the strength to form a new, positive and safe life.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 14/01/2015 08:06

I've just read the empty ring box thread, dear God what a complete cunt this "man" is. I'm boiling with anger on your behalf. He has beaten you up, humiliated you, told you straight out he doesn't care, and that he'll "only marry once and it won't be to you" I know it's hard, I've been there, but my god the relief when you're finally free is incredible.

In your other thread you said that being treated the way you are is the norm where you live, do you want your kids to grow up thinking that's the norm? If not for your own sake, ditch this arsewipe for your kids sake.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!

DeliciousMonster · 14/01/2015 08:08

So OP - what are you going to do about this?

Come on, lets help you make plans to get rid of this evil from your life.

What about the house - rented or mortgaged? Lets start here.

HellKitty · 14/01/2015 08:10

I've just read the two previous threads linked here. OMFG Hmm

In one you mentioned he'd moved out. Is that still the case? If so then you need to change the locks and warn your local police station that he could get violent. Phone women's aid again, write out what you need to tell them.

You don't love him, it's almost like Stockholm Syndrome where you love your kidnapper due to relying on him.

I live in the north in a very working class area, not all men are cave dwellers like this, however they're brought up. You think you need him because you've been with him for so long, he's broken your self esteem so you don't think you can be without him. You can.

I wish I live near you and I'd sort the fucker out myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 09:00

It's always sad to read a thread like this which has been repeated in slightly different forms over several years. The despair and desperation is tangible. What makes it particularly sad is when the victims of the abusive behaviour are so crushed and so lacking in hope & confidence that they can't even visualise a future that doesn't involve the abuser. A cage without bars.

OP all I'm going to say to you is that you deserve love and respect. Not 'a twisted of kind of love' characterised by cruelty, insults and violence, but genuine affection.

If you do nothing else, please take a friend into your confidence.

Branleuse · 14/01/2015 09:04

hes cruel to you OP.

You mustnt stay. You dont have to

Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 09:12

He moved back in. I was at work, come home and he had moved all if his stuff back in.

He had started a business but let it go to the dogs.

I've gone to my mums for a bit

OP posts:
RedandCurlyforNow · 14/01/2015 09:15

what an arsehole. He is disgusted with you?

nerve of him

RedandCurlyforNow · 14/01/2015 09:16

stay at your mum's. Brew

Don't ever sleep with him again. Please. He isn't worthy of you.

HanselandGretle · 14/01/2015 09:17

He's a sadist.

Miggsie · 14/01/2015 09:18

If a man says you disgust him - then that means he hates and despises you, he doesn't love you at all, he just likes making you feel bad.

I also suspect he knows he's an unattractive lump of lard and so he's trying to make you feel as bad as him.

Never meet with this man again.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 09:20

Is your mum someone you could confide in? You don't have to give chapter and verse. Sometimes it's enough just to tell someone that the relationship has completely broken down and you're being treated badly.

VulvaVoom · 14/01/2015 09:26

Rarely do I comment on relationships but I beg you to never again be with this man. OK you're at your mums, good start. Now chuck his stuff out when he's out and change the locks. Massive thing to do I know but if you just do it, it's done, no going back. You earn, he doesn't, thats good. Let the lazy, no good fucker stew in his vile hatred for the rest of his miserable life. You can rebuild yours, I promise you.

RedandCurlyforNow · 14/01/2015 09:28

yes, like cog says, say "the relationship has completely broken down and I'm so miserable with him". Misery is a word people understand. I used to try to explain to people what I'd been through and I found out I was using too many words, they can't understand the dynamics of abuse (some can, not all).

Years down the line, if anybody asks, I say I was very unhappy. and normal people accept that. nuff said.

kaykayred · 14/01/2015 09:35

You don't need to go into the exact specifics of what he said in order to speak to someone about it in real life. You can just say "He is treating me like a slave, a slave he doesn't even respect, and I can't cope anymore". I would say it's more embarrassing to be with a partner who would say those things, than the fact that he said those things? I mean, they are clearly untrue.

They aren't going to ask you to quote chapter and verse.

Look, I'll be blunt. If your partner is the kind of man who will organise a fake proposal in advance with an empty box - IN PUBLIC - then literally everybody in the world already knows that he is a complete cunt. The only people that do things like that are the bad guys in films, and the sort of men that make King Joffrey look like a really lovely person.

I doubt you will encounter as much surprise as you think if you were to reach out for support to friends.

You are grieving, and that's terrible. But do something. You have the financial capacity to do so. Rather than wallowing in misery, get up and DO something.

Original poster
Imsogross · 14/01/2015 09:40

I am kay I've packed a bag and come to my mums.

Any money I earn is mine. I refuse to allow him to take it which I never used to do so I am getting stronger.

I just need that final push

OP posts: