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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I disgust my dp

299 replies

Imsogross · 13/01/2015 23:29

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated Sad

OP posts:
Isabeller · 14/01/2015 00:38

I want to send you lots of hugs.

Let MN feed and water your courage until it is strong enough for you to feel you can take the first steps out of your prison. Don't let this man convince you the door is locked. x

KristinaM · 14/01/2015 00:41

How woudl you life be without him OP?

Imsogross · 14/01/2015 00:44

I scared nobody will love me. I crave love.

I think he does love me in some twisted way.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 14/01/2015 00:55

He might have 'feelings' for you OP, but it's not love. I haven't read your other threads, I don't think I could bare to Sad

Once you get out and spend some time getting support, being you, I'm sure love will come your way.

RandomNPC · 14/01/2015 01:05

I've just read the OP on the other threads, I couldn't bear to read any more. I can't imagine what it's like to live your life.
I've never said this before on any post, but please get rid of him. He's pure evil, and will completely destroy your life.

RandomNPC · 14/01/2015 01:08

You not gross, there are so many decent men out there that are just waiting for you; they will love you properly, they won't call you names, they wouldn't employ your old abuser and go for a pint with them.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/01/2015 01:09

No, it's not your fault. No you aren't stupid. No, you aren't a freak. No, you don't deserve this.

What you are (I think) is 'not yet ready'. You KNOW the truth and you KNOW what you should do, but you just aren't ready to do it yet. That's OK, too. As long as you tell yourself that's what you are and acknowledge that when you ARE ready, you will act.

Please, I beg you, consider getting counseling. You badly need someone to talk to in RL. Your self esteem is in the toilet and your dp is an absolute prick. You truly would be better off on your own.

flyingbunnies · 14/01/2015 01:25

How, in the name of all that is holy, can he tell you you are 'overweight' when he is 18.5 stone? IS he 9 foot tall? No, he is not.

I bet he stinks. 'Cause his attitude does.

butterfliesinmytummy · 14/01/2015 01:32

I really feel for you, what a sick bastard. Ask yourself this .... If a friend was in this situation and wrote these threads, what would your advice be? If she said someone who acted like this loved her, would you agree? This isn't love.

You've had your confidence eroded over so long that it will take time to do what you need to do. There are plenty of us on here to support you. This is your first step.

So sorry for your loss, take care.

flyingbunnies · 14/01/2015 01:42

Oh, and you are what, 32? You're slim and in shape, and a pleasant and sensitive person, so it seems.

If you want love, you are not going to get it from this excuse for a human. Attractive young women like yourself seldom struggle to get dates...you need to weed out these wankers early on and kick them to the curb, though.

Of course it will be hard at first, because he has worn you down.

Better an agonising end than endless agony.

Coyoacan · 14/01/2015 02:06

I know that feeling of thinking better the devil you know.

But it is sooo wonderful when you get rid of an abusive partner, OP, especially a useless lump like you have. I felt like I was walking on air afterwards and I have never looked back.

In fact, as things turned out I never did get another partner, which is quite unusual, but I and my dd are still a thousand times better off without him.

Emotional abuse does grind you down and wear away at your self-confidence but once you are away from that bastard you will start to rebuild.

McFox · 14/01/2015 05:33

OP this and your other threads make me so sad, I just want to come and pluck you out of this man's clutches.

You can do this, you can get away from him and start a new life. I know that it seems impossible but it's not and it's a great thing! I managed to do it after 4 years with someone who was ruining my life (when I was about the same age that I think you are now) and I'm now married to a wonderful man and have a new baby - it is entirely possible to walk away with your dc, turn your life around and be happy.

This man will not change, he will not give you the love or respect you deserve and he'll never truly see you for who you are. The way he treats you is all about him, about making him feel good, bolstering his ego etc. You need to start putting you first, because he won't.

Please talk to someone in real life, call women's aid, start making plans. You are the one who earns, use that to your advantage (as I did). Someone up thread said that it's only when you talk to friends that you'll find out that they probably already know he's an arsehole which is true (it certainly was for me) - they might even be able help you, but you need to take that step. Don't let him destroy your self-belief so much that you become mute, or he has won.

There is a better life out there for you. You've been through enough, so please start being kind to yourself and dare to imagine how much happier you could be. Don't look at the obstacles to leaving, look at the prize.

UnMNnetty hugs x

Dawnywoo · 14/01/2015 05:53

That is not love of any sort I'm afraid OP.

Love yourself. I got out of a shite relationship 18 months ago but also craved love. Sadly I didn't find it. Sadly I found a string of fucked up blokes with hang ups beyond belief. (Internet dating over about a year) I have been much happier since I decided not to bother but to focus on myself and love myself. It's actually a revelation. You don't need someone else to make you happy and complete. In fact the opposite. A lot of the time someone else will make you feel worse. Certainly the case with you.

So. Love yourself.

And please change your user name to I am beautiful

First step towards self confidence and sticking your fingers up to this fucked who has made you feel this way.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/01/2015 06:01

No, he doesn't love you, not at all. HE ENJoys abusing you. That's not love.
We all crave love, but you will never get it while you are stuck with this disgusting specimen.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 14/01/2015 06:17

For gods sake get out before your kids turn into him.

albal14 · 14/01/2015 06:24

'Not hit me in a while'.
Says it all. Get out Now.Life will change for the better. You are so much a nicer person than this scumbag.
I'd offer my couch.
Sorry for your loss.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2015 06:43

I remember you, OP

It makes me so sad to think that 2 years after your first thread that was shocking beyond belief you are still there, still a sponge for the prick to throw his abuse at

I cannot say any more than I have already said. Go back and read your old threads. You need real life help. It is nowhere near enough that you come on here periodically and get it confirmed to you over and over what a cunt he is. PLease, seek professional support. Speak to WA again, and keep speaking to them until you find a way out.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 14/01/2015 06:48

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HouseWhereNobodyLives · 14/01/2015 06:48

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HouseWhereNobodyLives · 14/01/2015 06:51

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Sundayplease · 14/01/2015 06:52

It doesn't surprise me at all that you work and he doesn't. Why is this the situation with so many of the abusive men on here? Kept men treating their partners like dirt.

I hope you are strong enough to leave him.

NickNackNooToYou · 14/01/2015 06:57

He's sounds a right catch Hmm OP you deserve better.

Write a list (mentally or physical pen to paper) of all the positives of being with him and all the negatives. Then decide what you need to do. Put up and shut up, stand up to him.or leave.

Good luck x

Madamecastafiore · 14/01/2015 06:59

Right you need to understand what he is doing.

Who do you think people would pick as the catch out of you 2. You, a lovely caring professional 9 stone mum who wants to be loved or him, a fat abusive bully who just wants to control someone because he really has feck all going for him?

You are lucky that you are not married.

Please, please kick him out. You have one life, it is very short and you owe it to your self to be happy and to be loved and respected.

I live in North Essex. If you are anywhere near me I will help you and give you strength and come and pack the bastards bags and kick him out for you

wtfhappened · 14/01/2015 06:59

OP your story has struck a cord with me, this could've been me writing this 6/7 years ago.

I spent 11 years with an areshole like this. I was 16 when I met him, in the care system (in and out of it since I was 10) and was vulnerable. I was incredibly slight as I was overcoming anorexia and had zero self esteem or confidence. Looking back I now see this animal preyed on me but, at the time, I couldn't see it. This 'man' was nearly 20 stone and used to say, several times a day, 'you used to be so sexy when I first met you, you're getting too fat'. My unhealthy relationship with food meant that, once the abuse had started, I went completely the opposite to previous years and started comfort eating. In 3 years I put on 5 stone but I was only 8st to begin with so I wasn't 'massive'. The other stuff started about 2 years into the relationship....I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down, wherever we went I had to apply a full face of make-up and wear 'sexy clothes' (whilst being made to feel so unsexy it wasn't true). It got to the point where it was easier for him to get my clothes out in the morning to avoid the 10 or so clothing changes because 'that top makes you look like a hobo' or 'those trousers make you look fat' or whatever.

I realise now that the man was a parasite. He was very clever in how he went about his abuse. He managed to convince a GP and Psychologist that I had a personality disorder. I ended up on anti-psychotic medication for the last 3 years of our relationship, was a zombie and only just about managed to get through life. I never went to an appointment alone, he did most of the talking or would brief me on what to say before we went in. I can't believe how nobody picked up on it, given how much training we are given at work on how to pick up subtle signs of DV, but it was a while ago now! He loved that diagnosis, he loved telling people that I was 'mental'.

Like you, I didn't want to bother the very few friends I had left. TBH, I didn't think they would believe me anyway, he acted like the perfect gentleman when around other people. They never caught 'the look' he used to give me if I was doing something he considered embarrassing, they didn't hear the snide comments whispered in my ear. And the slendertone he bought me for my birthday (which was very telling of who he was) was passed off as a joke (but was incredibly hurtful at the time because I knew why he had bought it)

I'm not ashamed to say that it took me becoming very good friends with, and having an EA with, another man (who is still the man I love beyond belief to this very day, intend to marry and have a 3 yo ds with). He made me realise that not all men were wankers and there are good ones out there.

The day I left my ex I stopped taking the medication and have never looked back. I found them at the back of a cupboard a couple of years ago when we moved, I remember thinking that I didn't want to throw them out at the time just incase I 'went mental' again. Of course that never happened, I have since been diagnosed with PTSD due to my traumatic childhood (I too was abused as a child).

I am everyday proof that you can survive DA and come out the other side much happier, much stronger, with some self respect and confidence (which you have to build up). Please leave, 16 years is too long to suffer.

wtfhappened · 14/01/2015 07:00

Fuck me that was long, sorry Blush

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