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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I disgust my dp

299 replies

Imsogross · 13/01/2015 23:29

I've name changed for this so I hope it works.

Dp doesn't really seem interested in sex or any form of intimacy with me. We had sex 5 times last year.

New Year's Eve he told me he was going to make the effort and we had sex. Because I'm so used to never doing it I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. So my confidence is very low.

Tonight dp thought it was funny to tell me that when we had sex I stank. I don't understand how I could have? I had just got out of the shower and I'm a very clean person.

I certainly wouldn't let him near me if I did smell. He laughed at me and watched as my face crumbled.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have put weight on and I'm now 9st which he hates. He likes to tell me I'm overweight too.

I'm so upset and humiliated Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/01/2015 10:55

Good name change.
Keep repeating it.
Get yourself to CAB and housing association and tell them about the situation you are in.
Get onto Womens Aid who can help you with all of this.
I don't use this word but..... your DP is a CUNT!!!

You sound so lovely.
Please allow yourself happiness.

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 10:55

My dcs are amazing. They bring me so much happiness Smile

Lweji · 14/01/2015 10:59

Some of my friends are in relationships with my dps friends and they're going through the same thing!

That is really sad too, but perhaps not surprising. Like sticks to like.

I agree that you should tell your mother, and anyone who can support you. Telling people feels very liberating, after years of keeping the abuse to yourself. And drop anyone who judges you or tries to blame you.

And keep faithful to that name change. :)

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 11:01

One of my friends dps cut her hair off the other week.
My Bil beat his dp with a hammer before Christmas. Both friends have run off with their dcs. I hope they're somewhere safe.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 11:03

Has your BIL been arrested? Did you witness this attack?

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 11:05

He has been arrested and bailed with a tag. I didn't witness it no.

I hope this doesn't out me

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 11:10

I'm glad he's been arrested. Hope their escape spurred you on to get yourself out.

Have you at any stage contacted Womens Aid for advice on what your next steps might be?

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 11:11

I've spoken to woman's aid a few times but always bottled out of doing anything.

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 11:13

When I found out what had happened to my friends it didn't shock me like it would a normal person.

I could have been told they had gone and bought the paper. That was my reaction! How messed up is that?

It does hurt me what has happened to them though. It's just normality to me Sad

GoatsDoRoam · 14/01/2015 11:17

You're still blaming yourself, love: for bottling out of a difficult decision, for not reacting "normally" (whatever that is).

Don't spend any more energy attacking yourself. You've got someone at home who's already all too willing to do it for you!

Forgive yourself if you need to, and let it go. The only thing that's important is what you choose to do now, in the present.

ginslinger · 14/01/2015 11:17

I wish I could come and take you and your DC home with me and look after you. I think you sound so lovely, yet worn down by this awful man. You are worth so much more than this. I hope someone can help you leave.

Lweji · 14/01/2015 11:17

You are out now, so it's an excellent time to get in touch with them.

They can advise you on how to stay in your home and keep him out.

Iwonderif · 14/01/2015 11:20

Considering you've just lost somebody so you're grieving as well I'm disgusted by this vile mans behavior. He's mentally cruel and knocking you when you're down which is also bullying tactics as well. I'm afraid to say but you deserve better he's a complete b***d. Your confidence and self esteem needs to build up before you have the guts to flick him the v's tell him his willy is useless and all it's good for is for him to have a pee with.

Easy for us to say but if you don't try and remove yourself from this relationship it will get worse. Never better. Once a comment like that has been said & he laughed I'm afraid it's downhill. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 11:22

I'd encourage you to keep trying now that you are physically away from your ex. He clearly exerts a powerful hold... which is normal in an abusive relationship. However, the longer you are away, that hold will reduce and your confidence will return. You might still be anxious or apprehensive but you'll find you have a lot more bottle with each passing day.

Lweji · 14/01/2015 11:23

It didn't shock you because you are going through the same.

But I agree with goats, it's time to think of the future, about what you CAN do, not what you should have done or not.

You CAN leave.
You CAN be free.
You CAN put a stop to the abuse.

What do you WANT to happen NOW?
What WILL you do NOW?

(not to answer to us, but to yourself, by the way :) )

Viviennemary · 14/01/2015 11:25

You are not overweight. He's a monster. Get rid asap.

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 11:36

I would like to be in a relationship where I am able to cuddle my dp without being told to fuck off.

Lweji · 14/01/2015 11:40

That can only happen if you cut your loses short and move on. Even if you are alone for a while (which is a good thing to allow you to recover from this one).

You crave a good partner, not this partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2015 11:42

That's so sad. People who tell you to fuck off are neither 'D' nor 'P'.

BuzzardBird · 14/01/2015 11:46

You will be strong, you just to get rid of this one first. Thanks

Allstoppedup · 14/01/2015 11:57

Fantastic name change Strong

Keep going with your plans, you are doing amazing.

Sneezy · 14/01/2015 12:05

Just read this. So sorry for what you have been through. You must remember that you will come out of this happier. He's not going to change, mean to you and not loving or respectful. You need to be happy and if that means single and not having someone treat you the way he has then that is how it has to be for a while. You sound like a lovely person who has put up with this for far too long.
Please stay strong and don't have him in your life anymore. It will waste so many precious years when you could be happy and in love with someone else

Imsostrong · 14/01/2015 12:33

I'm going to stay with my mum for awhile. My best friend is taking me out on Friday for a drink.

I haven't been out in a long time. I'm looking forward to just being me for once.

Dp refuses to babysit. He used to but now he won't. How can you babysit your own kids?

KristinaM · 14/01/2015 12:47

Please contact the housing assocation today about your tenancy .

I'm glad your family are being supportive

tipsytrifle · 14/01/2015 12:48

I remember your threads Imsostrong. I'm so relieved that you have left the odious piece of shit that just presumed to move back in and continue abusing you. Please don't go back. You have become so desensitised to abuse that you've seen appalling stuff around you and not been able to flinch as normal. You recognise this which is good! It means the real You is still in there and trying to wake up from this endless nightmare of a life. Your DC may have similar desensitising to rise above.

It's unsurprising and disgusting that the beast and his co-horts are all of a kind. Like something out of "Deliverance" by the sound of it. It's ok to dream of and desire a loving partner but you haven't found him in real life ... yet.

I think you should tell your mother everything. Allow her to protect you please? I also think it's time to drop all facades and be truthful with everyone about your situation. Stop co-operating with your trapped state, if you can.

Speaking to WA might be a great first step to sorting out your life properly. The HA might be helpful too with regard to removing him, or at least getting you out of any further obligation to pay rent. Personally, since you have a job and he's a wage refuser, I can't see he'd be an acceptable tenant anyway.

I can't believe it's 2yrs since I first read you and all this time it's been awful. I'm praying that this time you are Ready.