living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

It could easily cost a grand to fix the car. But it should be fixed

Why does he go to bed so early? Probably to check out of doing any of the shitwork that goes with family life.

He IS financially abusive ...horrifically so.

I remember this old thread from mse. Its frighteningly similar and this poster wasnt "allowed" a new bra and had holes in her shoes.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving

Urgh, he sounds vile.

I agree with everyone else; he is financially abusing you and your children.

Definitely speak to Women's Aid and/or the CAB.

I don't give my wife any money - that's because she takes it anyway!

I earn £40k, she earns £12k - which means our household income is £52k and that is what matters. We have a joint account. We have a joint mortage. And we have joint responsibilty for the kids. I'm always amazed when I hear of other couples doing it any differently.

Bills first. Then food. Then stuff for the kids. And only if there's anything left after that do we spend anything on ourselves. That's what you're supposed to do when you're a parent!

This bloke sounds like a right knob.

De-lurking to wish you all the best, op

I have several dog leads that we don't use. Would be more than happy to send you one. Just pm me

Agree alec

I think you have posted before about your DH? About having to make decisions, lack of help with young children?

Sounds like these problems are mounting up. What do you get from being with him?

I think so too, Mingin.

OP, tell him you need £x for the next week and that you'll sit down properly to budget on Saturday night - he can have a lie in Sunday morning if he's then tired.

Quick question to the OP - If you aren't scared of this man (and you've mentioned that you aren't up thread), why on earth haven't you told him that you are 100% fed up of supporting his lifestyle and putting up with a husband whose asleep by 8pm, without seeing ANY of the financial benefits that his job is meant to be bringing? Currently it's a one way street and you've had enough. Demand to see six months worth of bank statements which show EXACTLY where all his salary is going, within one week.

If he isn't prepared to do that then tell him it's over.

Go and see a solicitor - or even just ring them and ask for a phone consultation if you can't get over to their offices.

He is NOT going to come across well if his salary is five times yours, and yet somehow it's YOU who can prove that you are the one who has bought all the toys and furniture.

At the moment I think you are too focussed on some existential view of fairness, and material things. What do a few toys matter in the grand scheme of things? Does it matter if it's "fair" that you might need to start over? Surely what is MUCH more important is raising your children in a decent environment, without their mother being totally miserable and stressed.

Good idea, to write down exactly all you have spent in a week:
ex. Nappies, anything for kids clubs, & Food, so that he's sees exactly how his poxy house keeping is spent & you are not wasting any.
Does he receive his bank statements on paper or on line ? Can you see them ?
Does he drink ? do drugs ? have a gambling problem? or other Debts? another woman ? is he walking around in smart clothes ? new phone/watch ?
If he has none of these, he either has the money, or it is abuse.

if the children are not all his, is that the issue for him?

Lweji......Just a little note "stop acting like a victim", please don't use this expression. The OP is a victim of abusive behaviour (whether her OH is actually an abuser or not, remains to be clarified) That's just non-sensical
Based on the information OP has given she IS a victim of his abusive behaviour - we don't need to wait for clarification.

i will use whatever term i deem fit to describe the situation. i don't do pedantics nor do i contrived/fluffy bunny/live on a different planet language. I don't have a problem being politically correct but i won't conform to other people's norms of taking everything to the extreme. i say it like it is and like it needs to be said for the person i'm communicating with to understand.

the word 'victim' is not just used to describe someone who has been hurt or injured in some way, it is also used to describe someone who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment. The OP fits the feeling and acting 'helpless and passive' description in this thread. As you yourself have said that is sometimes the way a victim can choose to behave. Hence why i am telling the OP to STOP acting like a victim and take control of the situation...........because when you decide to take control of the situation you cease being a victim and become a survivor. Your use of the term 'helpless being' is just a play on words for 'victim' and sounds rather vapid for the situation at hand.

YOU are a survivor Lweji, you made the transition from 'victim' to 'survivor' the moment you decided that you were no longer going to remain passive and helpless, and i salute you because it takes strength and courage to do that. i too have been a victim of domestic abuse but i stopped being a victim when i CHOSE not to put up with the status quo anymore.

no way do i accept that i will remain classed as a 'victim' my whole life because i chose to take action to stop the abuse. That's like saying you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. doesn't make sense in reality.

I can't actually believe that you, YOU, Cloudia, are allowing your DC to be treated like this. You're behaving like a passive doormat, as though there is nothing you can do except accept the way your H is behaving. He's not a mind reader!

TELL HIM you need money. TELL HIM you need a car. TELL HIM you need him to get a fucking grip and start acting like a MAN and not a selfish teenager or that's the end.

How many children are we talking about here anyway? Yours from your previous, his from his previous and at least one together? How many children are you allowing to be affected by his godawful attitude?

WAKE UP!!

Hello OP
Hope you're okay. Sorry to hear you're going through this. FYI when a thread like this is flagged to us, we generally pop on to remind everyone.

?We do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Thanks so much
MNHQ

Sugar, even as I left, I continued to be a victim because he persisted in assaulting and threatening, regardless of how I acted.
I do hate the expression "acting like a victim" because it stigmatises victims, i.e. those who suffer or have suffered acts of violence or abuse. People don't feel like "victims" because they actually do feel in control, but they are still victims of abuse. They feel reluctant to admit they are victims of abuse because it implies that they behave like victims, which is in fact rarely the case. Many women here who suffer abuse (are victims of abuse) consider themselves in control, they define themselves as feisty and can give as much as they can take. They are still victims of abuse.
A victim is not defined by how they behave, but how other people behave in relation to them. IMO using the word victim as defining how people behave puts the blame on the victim rather than the abuser.

In fact, I'd say to the OP to recognise that you are a victim of abuse and act like one. In the sense that it's something that you cannot control, you did not cause it and the best thing is to remove yourself from the situation.

A victim is not defined by how they behave, but how other people behave in relation to them. IMO using the word victim as defining how people behave puts the blame on the victim rather than the abuser.

Very, very good point, Lweji. I couldn't agree more, thank you for your posts on this.

Wow that is financial abuse at its very worst. He sees you all as separate and doesn't seem to get that he has financial responsibility to you. I would have a word, if he doesn't change you can leave. There are tax credits available to help you and various benefits till you get on your feet- a far better quality of life then you have now.

is there an issue with the OP?

You DH makes you walk 8 miles a day to take the kids to school and you don't think this is abuse?!?

Another OP gone awol ?

You're confusing me, OP. I don't get how you've got in this situation.

I'm an old hand at domestic abuse btw, so it's not that I don't understand domestic abuse. I don't understand how or why you're putting up with this. It's so clear cut.

You say 'he ought to know' 'he's not stupid' etc yet you seem reluctant to challenge him. YOu say when he does stuff around the house he's crap at it - have you considered he does it crappily on purpose so you won't ask him again? It's one of the tactics of an abuser 1. to keep you snowed under with chores and 2. so you know who's the skivvy.

When I read your OP the word 'serf' came into my head. YOu are like a serf: you have no power and no means to get power. Yet you're saying, in effect 'there is no way I'm going to ask him/grovel/etc: he ought to know'

Well, love, he doesn't know. Or he doesn't choose to know - I'm not sure which it is. I odn't understand why you thought 100pm was enough when you weren't living together; I don't understand why you let him live on your paltry earnings.

Enlighten me: how did this happen? Why do you feel you are entirely in his power; and that if he doesn't step up you're buggered?

OR he does know and this is exactly how he wants it.

I genuinely don't know which it is.

LEM, I don't think so but I think she is very stuck and posts a fair bit, maybe hoping just one person will be positive about her H.

I don't think that'll happen on MN though!