living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

If he's not a gambler or womaniser, I bet your H has a lovely large savings account stashed away somewhere, that he doesn't want you to know about OP.

Thanks for clarifying that chunderella, wouldn't want to mislead anyone. I really think the OP should try and get some legal advice, maybe post on legal part of mnet?

Is your DD's dad still on the scene? could he take dd to the sleepover.

This is no way to live OP, take the advice from others on here and get out now.

Your DH is a twat.

Your kids suffer and miss out.

You suffer. A bra is essential !!!!!

Your dog is suffering

Do something about it!

What happens when the kids are embarrassed to go to school or party's because he won't buy them uniform or clothes. The will resent you.
I grew up in a house with no money my mum was constantly worried I then if course have developed a massive sense of anxiety. I also remember being embarrassed by my cloths and being bullied. But my mum always have us her last penny I never missed out if she could afford it.
This post makes me at your DH I bet he isn't suffering. I bet he gets to see is mates. I bet he gets to do what he wants. What a fucking knobhead!

I'd personally not cook him his three meals a day hide the food and when he complains say you couldn't afford his dinner.

Leave if the stuff in your house is yours take it. Make your kids happy.

And seriously I have 9 dog leads , I would happily send you one OP

and send him a bill for the childcare
hes a wnaker

Your poor children.

What a life eh?

How will you improve things for them?

I'm a SAHM and half the household disposable income goes by standing order into my personal account to do with as I see fit. This is because, no matter how the world values us as individuals, in our marriage we are equal in how we value each other. That's the only fair way in our opinion.

I would not put up with your situation. I'd show DH where the spending goes and then expect the same openess from him.

You are suffering financial abuse. I'd never heard of that before or even considered there was this form of abuse in existence.

It's all been said already, but to add another voice to the plea - please get this sorted asap. Your children are suffering because you are not taking action, I do not blame you as he has clearly crushed your sense of reality and self worth but bloody hell woman this is appalling.

Long term I really think you are setting yourself up for a difficult relationship with your children, who will be trying to understand why their childhood was so hard and their mother didn't do what she could to change it.

he sounds like a tosser

up until 'six months ago' you've both been living as 'separated parents' with him paying you £100 a month in 'maintenance for the kids. If he's been living away 6 days of the week then it's no wonder he's not in tune with the family dynamic you had going (i'm not making excuses for him). he has been, in effect, living the life of a single man. an extremely selfish single man with no consideration for anyone other than himself.

you both need to sit down and have a proper 'grown up' conversation. arrange a time for after the kids have gone to bed - and tough shit that will be one night he won't be going to bed at 8pm. Create a list of the things you want to discuss so you don't get sidetracked.

perhaps expecting him to reach a resolution on all points may be asking for too much but i would aim for at least getting access to his wages/account by the end of the first meeting. REMIND him about your previous abusive relationship and tell him you want to avoid that.

the only person who can help you make the first step is YOU op, stop acting like a victim and take responsibility for your life and for your children. stop feeling sorry for yourself. there are people out there in a much worse position than you and they are helping themselves so you have no excuse.

sometimes in life we have to keep 'starting over' until we're where we want to be...you claim you are not materialistic but to allow something like materialistic goods to stand in the way of living a happy and fulfilled life is absolutely bonkers!

i can hear the anger and injustice behind your words when you mention having to move to a hostel and starting again from scratch and that you don't deserve to go through similar again. Guess what? You DON'T deserve to go through that again (nobody 'deserves' to go through that in the first place) , so get your head smarts on and start tackling this situation so you DON'T end up in that situation again. you owe it yourself and especially to your children.

Hey OP some amazing posts here. You should have joint accounts and equality in all matters. For you, for the children and all those other reasons expressed here. But most of all because it is the right thing to do.

write his bank details down, and the security number down, off his bank card, get on the internet order a months shopping and stuff for the kids, blow your brains out on Asda Direct, whats he going to do about it? If he moans about you family purchases, tell all his family at the next gathering, re-dress the power balance, if you cannot get out [which yoy truly should] then get a bit more with it! For the kids sake!!!

Or set up a Paypal a/c off it and use it your leisure, I would shame him into it, actually no, I would kick him out, permanently.....Good Luck OP x

Shame him into action. Text his family. Give them some of the problem to deal with. Knock his halo off!!

Text his family

'Really sorry about this but please can you have a word with DH as I'm desperately unhappy. DH is refusing to buy our lively dog a lead so I can't walk him, I'm also having to walk 8 miles a day (kids walk 4 miles in all weather) just to school. Shopping is another 4 miles walk. DD also cannot attend a party this weekend due to lack of transport as DH has taken the car off the road completely. He has 1.2k left after bills/rent and so he could get it mended. Sadly he won't see sense though and won't listen to me'

What baffles me is the way children are often seen as the woman's financial responsibility. Why if he is their father should you have to pay for everything when you are not working?! Very odd.

A two mile walk with small children will take a life time! He's seriously selfish

Just a little note
stop acting like a victim
please don't use this expression. The OP is a victim of abusive behaviour (whether her OH is actually an abuser or not, remains to be clarified).

As a victim, you can choose to be passive and just accept what comes your way, or you can act on it. Both can be how victims act. I hate that expression. I acted like a victim of DV when I reported and left exH.

So, stop acting like a helpless being. You are a grown up, independent woman, who can take control of her own life. Don't allow him to control it.

Surely it depends on how much money your DH gives you.

My rent and bills (not including food shopping) are £1400 a month and I don't (can't afford to) run a car.

If he has pension contributions (£100?) and student loans(£100?), his 'allowance' that he's giving you might be actually most of the money.

I'm not sticking up for him at all but you need to sit down and work out where the money is going.

If he'll give you access to the joint account if you insist, then for God's sake insist. Buy a bra. Buy a lead. Send your dd to a sleepover.

And, whilst your at it, open a savings account in your name only and start moving a little money into it week by week (withdraw and pay in, not automatic transfer). Then you'll begin to have choices.

This Buddy was able to pay off his debts to exW, so clearly has some dosh extra.
I reckon he thinks his exW robbed him, & that his new wife might too, so he is controlling expenses to very minimum.
A serious problem with money, & probably has lots in several accounts.
Why did his exW divorce him ????
& the car off the road, the whole things stinks of CONTROL,
he can fucking sing for his supper.
How does he get to work? on a bike ?? why not cut the tyres he can walk
He doesn't want to repair the broken glass, turns off the heating ??
PLEASE see that this is abuse, because he HAS the money.

I'm not making excuses for him either - your life sounds horrendously difficult, for want of a few quid - but why does he go to bed so early? Could be be depressed? Maybe he's so deep in his own misery that he just doesn't realise how selfish he's being?

(Just realised that this does sound as if I'm making excuses, but the bedtime thing struck me as very odd.)

At any rate, you desperately need a full and frank discussion with him. If he doesn't have any answers or solutions, then clearly you need to end the marriage.