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Original poster

living like paupers when DH earns £40k

239 replies

CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 09:28

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 10:49

"Charley I have no one to help. How would I move beds etc with no help, no transport? "

You're racing ahead and scaring yourself with wrong assumptions. As a DW with DCs you actually have some protection under the law. .

Please check around locally for lawyers specialising in Family Law as some will offer a free initial consultation. Womens Aid can possibly recommend some that have experience of Domestic Abuse. You have more options than you possibly realise

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:50

He wouldn't evict us because he'd be happier keeping the kids here and trying to win me back.

He put his bike handlebars through it by accident Hooty - it's glass so dangerous to be partially shattered and it's letting in a draught.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/01/2015 10:50

CAB should also be able to advise you regarding claiming benefits as a separated person (which you are because he hardly gives you money).

sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 10:50

He knows exactly what his behaviour can be construed like. He just doesn't care.

Get in contact with WA. I know our local council provide storage for belongings, so you can take the furniture etc and they will store it until you are settled somewhere.

There are solutions to every problem. People on here can help and advise with any scenario. You just need to take the bull by the horns now and start standing up for your children. You are their mother. You have to.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:51

He didn't think to get you a temporary phone?

FUCK THAT CLOUDIA!!!

Why would he? Why wouldn't you just walk into Tesco and pick up the cheapest PAYG and text him to say "temporary number honey, other one broken - make sure you have this one saved cos baby's due any time now!"

Because that is what happens in a normal marriage.

Don't waste your time complaining he should have bought you a phone.

You keep saying you don't think he can see the behaviour. BULL. SHIT.
You're not stupid, you know he can, you're just understandably scared to face that.

If he just didn't see the impact of his behaviour, you wouldn't be posting because you'd know that one conversation this evening and he'd apologise and you'd have full access to family money.

Lweji · 06/01/2015 10:52

It's not that difficult to put a board or something to seal the door.

Blu · 06/01/2015 10:54

OP: I would either build up an escape fund, £1 by £1, until you can afford a man and van to pick up your stuff and take you and the kids to a new rented flat, or else sell his stuff, item by item to pay for the things you all need. Though obviously that is a higher risk strategy.

Tell him to give you the money for DD's taxi , for a taxi for you to get a lead, for the lead etc, or you will sell his stuff on ebay.

Also - I know nothing about army circs, but I have seen MN-ers get a good result from talking to welfare, so if he is army, get help.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:56

He wouldn't evict you?
Perfect.
Speak to benefits people about what you have to do to show that you're single - perhaps a letter from a solicitor advising him of your separation.

Start moving your life forward, claim what you are entitled to, get back to work. Don't pay him any rent, if you can get away with that. As the rent is low, I expect you'll find that if you work out the maintenance he owes you, it'll easily cover it.

Save save save, get your name on housing list. Even if he doesn't tell you to leave, I think you're vulnerably housed.

But as I said - I'm chucking ideas around here - speak to the experts.

Isetan · 06/01/2015 10:56

DD has been invited to a sleepover on Friday but I cant get her there because he's taken the car off the road. I caught her counting out her money box this morning so she could contribute towards a taxi Sad

This statement isn't a Sad it's a Angry

Your H isn't oblivious, he just doesn't care and the inconvenience and hardships of his wife and children aren't motivation enough to change his behaviour. As long as you discount his blatant financial abuse as him 'being unaware', you're enabling him to do this to you and your children.

You can't stop him from being this way but you can and should, limit you and your children's exposure to it. Start making plans or risk this depressing situation sucking your children's primary carer into a very dark place.

MinkTurban · 06/01/2015 10:57

Slice it took years to build up nice furniture, toys etc for the dc after I left my first marriage. Why should we be back to square one?

Because you would be free of this very unhappy situation in which you are being controlled, and that freedom is worth far more than to you and your children than furniture and toys are. Furniture and toys can be acquired easily. The negative impact that his control will have on you and your children is less easily righted, they might grow up thinking it's normal for men to treat their families like this.

sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 10:57

My ex "accidentally" broke a glass door once. He also left me without a phone in the last month of my pregnancy. I had actually forgotten that until now.

He was also financially abusive.

It escalated to the point that when I finally left him his behaviour led to him being convicted of a series of crimes and receiving a 2 year suspended sentence.

I used to tell myself he didn't realise what he was doing too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/01/2015 10:58

Dear OP this is not how normal families live and yet he has relatives who think he's a hero for working and let me guess- according to them he's marvellous for taking you on...? What a catch.
Like others here I suspect you are only telling us part of the story.
Please go to Citizens' Advice start investigating what your options are.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:58

We can't even have that conversation though, because he's asleep before the kids then gone again in the morning before we get up. I'm sure he would give me access if I demanded it but then it'd be something else that annoys me, I think. I shouldn't have to demand he change nappies, empty bins, pick.up his socks etc. He's a grown man and I'm fed up of having to direct him as to how to behave like one. Last night I was feeding the baby so asked him to get toddlers pyjamas on. He did so but didn't put a bedtime nappy on or put her clothes in the wash so I still had to do that so theres no point asking him for help. These are basic things he shouldn't need telling, surely.

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 06/01/2015 10:59

Yeah I have to agree. Other people buy their own phones, they don't have to ask their husbands for a phone. This isn't bloody Saudi Arabia.

Even if you had no money to get one yourself why did you not demand a phone if you're not scared of him? It was going to be you going into labour!

I don't understand the dynamic between two of you at all.

Lweji · 06/01/2015 11:01

If you think he will give you access to the accounts, then do it, even if you think you shouldn't have to do it.
He won't though.
Tell him you are both going to the bank to sort out access and see him making excuses.

If, by any chance, he does give you access, check all outgoings, including savings accounts and make sure you take all the money you need for your escape.

sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 11:01

So you aren't going to sort out the money situation because you will then be annoyed by his lazy arse around the house? Hmm

I am sorry that you are living like this, you deserve so much better, and so do your children. But until you stop making excuses and start seeing him for the abusive prick that he is, your life will not improve.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/01/2015 11:02

Oh OP, he so IS controlling. He's controlling every single aspect of your life - where you go, what you wear, what you do.

MinkTurban · 06/01/2015 11:02

I'm sure he would give me access if I demanded it but then it'd be something else that annoys me, I think.

Demand it then. If that is really all it will taken then I think not having a bra or a dog lead is worse than feeling annoyed.

You need to speak to him about this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 11:03

Money is more important than picking up socks. Money dictates your life and your children's lives. It's not his money it's equally your money and your children's money. Having no access to your own money and no information about is quite unacceptable. Currently you're being deprived of that money and it is being used to control and abuse. If you left with your children, a lot of that money would come to you.....

So please focus on what is important here. If it annoys you that you have to ask.... and I mean this kindly... get over it.

ChasedByBees · 06/01/2015 11:04

DD has been invited to a sleepover on Friday but I cant get here there because he's taken the car off the road. I caught her counting out her money box this morning so she could contribute towards a taxi

Bless her, that's so sad. I think you have to leave. At best he's thoughtless to the point of neglectful, but more likely he's financially abusive. What if you demanded equal access to the finances and pointe out that he is depriving your children and making their quality of life worse with him?

Having access to some funds might allow you to save enough to leave because even if he makes concessions now I doubt he'd change long term. I do think you need to examine your options to leave and soon. Your children are suffering here.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 11:04

Donkeys he has dc from his first marriage and was happy to only spend £20 each on one present only for Christmas. They only had more thanks to me but guess who got all the praise...?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 11:05

OK, now I'm starting to feel cross, and I feel bad for that because you're clearly in an abusive relationship.

But FFS woman - you reckon he'd give you full access to YOUR family money Hmm but you won't ask because it annoys you that you have to?

You would let your child miss a sleepover because you'd rather cut your nose off to spite your face?

And you can't discuss it with him because he is asleep? Then tell him to wake the fuck up.

Enough with the excuses. I know you're only coming out with them because you know actually, he won't give you the money.

LennyCrabsticks · 06/01/2015 11:06

He is foul.

Reading about your DD counting out pennies has had me crying at my desk.

Bastard.

Lweji · 06/01/2015 11:06

Do you know why he got divorced?

And the whole point of you being annoyed at having to ask for access to money is the reason why you have to leave him.
He will not give you access, though. Or he'll just put a minimum amount of money on any joint account.
I think this is why you won't ask him. Because you don't want to confront the truth that he will not give you fair access.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 11:07

Your daughter can't afford to go to a sleepover but you can afford to buy presents for HIS non resident kids, who already had £20 spent on them which was £20 more than he spent on yours?

WHY? Why did you do that?

Why did you take from your own children to give to his?