living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

I do get the feeling that you are reluctant to ask him because in fact you know he will say no or make it impossible to do what you ask.

It reminds me quite a lot of GettingBig's thread a couple of years ago (I think).

It's insidious control and abuse. But you need to confront it for yourself to see it for what it is.

Lweji it reminds me of that too.

she's stuck in the 'victim' mentality. what she needs to do is take responsibility for herself and her actions.

Lweji...i don't believe for one second that the expression 'acting like a victim' stigmatises a victim - that's just the typical extreme politically correct generalised view that people come out with, because god forbid you tell someone the blunt truth. i didn't feel stigmatised by the victim label when it happened to me. in fact i recognised it as a state of disempowerment and used it to empower myself and get out of that situation.

YOUR situation was one of domestic violence, which puts it in a different context and therefore you have to approach it bearing that in mind, so obviously if the abuse carried on after you left him then OF COURSE you would still be classed as a victim - that's a no brainer. You cannot compare your situation with OP's because they are different in context (note: i'm not saying the two are better or worse than each other - just different).

A victim is not defined by how they behave, but how other people behave in relation to them. IMO using the word victim as defining how people behave puts the blame on the victim rather than the abuser Exactly, this is just your opinion (related to domestic violence) and you are entitled to it....but i suggest you look up the definition of victim in the english dictionary first before making a generalization like that. You assertion would stand if we were talking about rape (for example) but it does not stand in this situation with the op.

I've read some of your previous posts and I think you and your husband need some counselling to work through this issue and others that you have obviously you have communication issues that need to be dealt with

justbattering counselling is NOT recommended in an abusive situation and this man IS an abuser.

Op I understand you need to come to the conclusion yourself that you need to leave. I have no doubt you can do it. You have done it before, and yes it's hard, but not harder than staying. It's not more scary than staying. Go for counseling on your own, do the freedom programme on line. Start exploring all your options just for your piece of mind.

Well she's obviously not going to LTB

But I do think cupoteap had a much better idea

OP please come back to the thread and discuss this with us. We are strangers, we don't need to know that you have LTB or not. Nothing to do with us, but we can provide advice. My H, who earned 40k was a lot like this & I earn 13k. I paid all the bills, mortgage etc & couldn't afford to buy our 3 dc's winter coats. I kept having conversations with H saying this is wrong, what's going on etc & he just didn't acknowledge the problem. I came on here again & again asking is this normal?

I even had to ask if the fact he was biting, hitting & raping me was wrong too. When you are mired in abuse it's your normality. People saying 'why don't you just tell him' 'of course it's wrong' and even 'he has raped you' just feels like it has no value because they don't know your reality. Mine was definitely because my H had messed with my mind so much that I didn't know my arse from my elbow. Keep talking and perhaps we can unpick what us really going on and relook at your situation?

OP

You don't have to live like this. Talk to WA. Even if it's a series of phone calls and get the wheels in motion and get your head in gear and get that fire back in your belly. Life is too short to spend it miserable.

OP, it's really not normal that you can't buy new shoes and have to watch your child emptying their cash box to go on a playdate. It really isn't.

You posted before you even moved in together about how useless he was and now you live together he's still unless. Except now he controls the money. How bad does it have to get before you do something?