living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

If you can't talk to him in the evening because he's asleep by 8pm, chuck a bucket glass of water over him and wake him up. This is too important to mess about with. Either he starts paying up and, I suggest, explains what he's doing with his £40K that you don't see, or you get out.

Furniture can be moved by a removals firm or a man with a van. It may seem daunting at first, but you can make a plan to get out of this and there are a lot of people on MN who can give you advice.

Personally, I don't think you'll change him. I can believe a serial cheater will turn faithful (I've seen it happen), but I NEVER knew a tightwad who became willing to spend money.

Cabrinha I've raised his kids half the time since they were toddlers

Also with the money you earned and his £100 a month???
And with the food money he gives you?

I bet he has a lot stashed away. You need to find where it is and give it to a solicitor and have his accounts frozen.

I get the feeling you're not going to do anything about this. You don't seem to want any kind of plan of action and when people suggest solutions you have an excuse/reason why you can't try that, it wouldn't work, etc, etc.

FWIW I don't think 40k is a shitload of money, and you'd have to live quite frugally if you had access to that money anyway, but it seems like you're not even going to try.

I'm undecided as to whether he's abusive or just a complete dickhead, because you don't appear to have genuinely tackled the whole situation with him, it's all just a bit vague - oh well he should buy a lead for the dog, he should have paid for his own panto ticket, ah well he should have bought me a new phone - have you actually tried saying "I need a lead for the dog. Can you give me your card so I can order one now off Amazon".

At some point you have to accept responsibility for your choices. Anyway, I hope you feel a bit better after the rant on here. I feel bloody sorry for your kids.

Do you actually TELL him what you need? Did you ASK him to buy a dog's lead or tell him you needed a new phone.

Often you say that he didn't think to get it replaced - maybe he didn't think and maybe you need to tell him outright?

He sounds a knob by the way

yes what cleanlines said

You need to start taking responsibility for this money.

Nothing you have written here makes me think he will outright say no.

I've had to take a step back from this thread as I was starting to mutter nasty things....not about your husband ...that goes without saying....but at you Claudia!

There's a lot of angry women on this thread. Cabrinha is just one of them whom I'm getting the impression along with me would like to give you a shake.

In a nice way if that's possible.

Take our anger, get some fire in your belly woman and use it to make some CHANGES!

Because all I'm hearing are whinges and excuses.

As someone else said, that makes you COMPLICIT!

You are your children's guardian. I can hear them saying 10 -15 years down the road

What did our mum do to change things. Nothing she just put up with it!

Come on. Get your action plan together and start the fight back tonight.

It's the new year, new rules. Yours. Don't let this mean man drag you through another miserable year for the sake of a bit of nice furniture and toys.

Be the role model your children need.

Get it! Got it! Good!

Two things to start with. One, tonight tell him you need to take his bank card for the day (and the PIN of course) as there are things you urgently need to buy. Second, ask him which garage he took the car to, what they tried to do and what their number is. Say you're going to speak to them about getting the car sorted.

If he quibbles about either of these things, I would say you can't go on like this any longer and will be seeing a solicitor.

You sound depressed OP - understandably! Have you spoken to your GP/HV? A course of a/ds could make you see things very differently.

Do you have any friends you can confide in?

how much food money does he give you

tbh 2.5 a month - 1.3 after bills - DOESNT give you a lot to play with

but there still should be something left somewhere

tbh my dh was a bit like this - he liked to keep his own money - we had a joint account but he only paid in a percentage (as did i) but he got a pay rise and bought himself nice things - when I was struggling to buy new school shoes for the kids

we had a bloody good old fashioned row about it and now all our salaries go in the joint accounta nd we have no financial secrets from each other

does he have credit cards?

Dowser has just said exactly what I'm thinking, but she put it better than I could!

In the absence of AnyFucker I thought someone neede to bring in the big guns!

"He's not a stupid man. I will spell it out but from experience I can predict I'll get apologies and self-pity for being criticised then little will change."

So when you have the discussion you go in with a figure in mind of what you need per month or week and you tell him when you want it and how you want it paid.

If he doesn't do as you ask then you keep on at him until he does. If he doesn't do as you ask or he gets angry then you know that he is a financial abuser, as opposed to a lazy, thoughtless twat, and you look at making moves to leave him.

Just on your daughter's sleepover - Is there a mum who can help out with lifts for your daughter? It would be reasonable to ask for a favour given the car is off the road. I know I would be delighted to help if asked and most parents would help.

Come on OP - what are you going to DO?

Rather than being abusive, I think he is possibly a thoughtless knobber who lacks empathy and you are very unassertive. Neither is good!

Oh and just a tip when you work out that figure:
It is not half of the money and THEN you pay for food, kids clothes, etc.
You work out together a realistic budget for the rent, all house stuff, food, CHILDCARE etc.
Then what is left gets split 50/50.

Please, have a budget. Not an allowance like you're a 13yo.

You say you're not scared of him, but it's really not normal to not be able to sort out your own phone, tell him to pick up a dog lead on his way home from work or, more importantly, have access to the family finances. I think you are scared of him you just don't want to admit it.

Nobody is expecting you not to care about your stepchildren, but if he's not ever going to put your children first someone needs to and that person is you.

If you can't improve your situation for yourself, please do it for your DC. The things you have said about them makes me really sad.

Where do you live, I'll come and give your poor bloody daughter a lift to her sleepover!

OP, what would he say if you simply said 'dh, I need x amount of money for a lead, I need some new bras and dd's going to a sleepover so I need money for a taxi, I'll just take the card and withdraw it or leave x here for me'

Would he outright say no or just come up with some excuses why he can't.

You shouldn't have to but play dumb like he is, ask every day 'do you have that money yet? How come? I can just take your card tomorrow then? When will I be able to get these things? Your children need x and x, can I have some money for that?'

Annoy him, if you truly think he just doesn't get it, show him the reality.

You're not being frivolous, it's money for the family, not his.

Are you scared of his reaction? That he'll create a bad atmosphere? Who cares, he's gone early and falls asleep early anyway

OP, I'm not sure what you want from this thread. What is it you want to happen? And what do you intend about it? Or are you just looking for a place to vent and do nothing about the problem? (which would be really bad news for your children, because this man is an abuser).

Cloudia,

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"I was married previously too and he was financially abusive and DH knows this and said I'd be in charge of money, that he was rubbish with it hence the debts but low and behold I've never seen a bank statement or had his card and it just feels like dejavu"

That is because is truly is. You have again married the same type of man that your ex was (and still is). Such men do not change.

Your only real option going forward is to leave this man. You simply must not expose your children any longer to this type of abusive relationship and financial abuse is recognised abusive behaviour. You managed to leave once and you can certainly do so again.

I would also suggest you have counselling for yourself re your self esteem and worth and enrol yourself on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

He is either using the finances to control you, or is a squirrel away person & really has no idea of the price of things.
You have no choice but to confront him, I for one would give him the food shopping list & get him to pay... make him fix the frigging car fgs.
Clearly it is not going to change unless you put your foot down, so ACTION.
today, he does not have to go to bed at 8pm. I mean COME ON.
when he comes home say you need to talk to him & that he will have to be awake to hear .....
If you are not afraid of & being controlled by him then this should be feasible

I want to cry, thinking about your DD counting her pennies in the hope of going to the sleepover.

I will gladly send the money to cover the taxi fare there and back and a few treats to take with her.

Please don't let this continue.

My DH is tight careful with money inasmuch as it's a good natured battle of wills when it comes to the thermostat and he always wants to take a pack up if we go to the zoo etc rather than buy burgers. Things like that. But he works hard so that the kids and I don't want for anything. He would rather carry them to a sleepover on his back than have them miss out.

PLEASE sort this out one way or another :(

OP forget dog leads and all the other small stuff. What you are describing is a form of slavery.

Sorry - but I am not understanding.

Have you actually asked for money? If not why not? Why don't you have a joint account? Again if not why not?