living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

But Anna, if something was going to stop you being at the birth of your child and you cared about that then surely you'd do something about it? He didn't, which says it all to me. He was there by chance then back at work the following day.

He's abusive. This is a very sad thread. Who would want their loved ones to live like that? You would be financially and emotionally better off without him andyour children would be happy.

You need to have that discussion now or you need to set the wheels in motion to leave.

My husband bought me some leggings with birds and planets on yesterday because I'm on mat leave and couldn't afford them and he knew they'd make me happy! He earns a similar amount to your husband. Bird and planet leggings! You haven't got a bra. That makes me so so sad. :(

You deserve more.

Hang on OP. You complain about his awful behaviour BUT won't tackle him about it. If he's such a dunderhead, he won't see it until you say. He's not suddenly going to get enlightened and it really IS your responsibility to feedback the consequences of his behaviour. Then if he carries on behaving like an arse then you'll know you've done all you can.

You need to sit down and work out what the family outgoings are. Where is the money being spent. It doesn't matter how much money you have or haven't got if you've a partner with a mean streak the whole thing is a waste of time.

But YOU had no phone! YOU were going to go into labour! I'm sorry but that was your responsibility to sort out. You could have gone into labour at the side of the road.

Just read on with all the cross posts.

Yes you will be irritated by something else and it's ok to leave him for any of those things. Being worn down by months of financial abuse - even if you're no longer suffering it - is enough reason.

So get access to money and let your DD go to her sleepover. Save up and leave.

At some point, you become complicit in his abuse of the children because you are not doing everything in your power to stop it.

Do you realise that? You have a responsibility to them.

"which says it all to me"

It doesn't though, quite, or you'd be ending it.

I think you're adding the complaints about the phone, the lack of help at home, because you need to work up to the realisation that he's an arsehole who doesn't care about you, so it's OK to leave.

Well - fill your boots. Write out here everything that's shit about him. There'll be a long list. We'll all say the same thing "he's an arse, he won't change, leave". And when you accept it, you'll go.

The sleepover invitation came after Christmas.

He's not a stupid man. I will spell it out but from experience I can predict I'll get apologies and self-pity for being criticised then little will change.

Yes, it came after Xmas but you no longer had a float if money to carry you through new expenses because you spent it in HIS kids.
Thanks mum.

Dc are awake now. Will return later. I appreciate your responses and help, thank you.

A financial abuser has no reason to change. If he can just say the words to take the heat out of the situation and then proceed to drag his heels and the issue dies down for another year, then he's won.

Cabrinha I've raised his kids half the time since they were toddlers. I think it's natural I care about them too.

"He's not a stupid man. I will spell it out but from experience I can predict I'll get apologies and self-pity for being criticised then little will change."

So you change it.

Listen to yourself.
He doesn't get it. But yet he's not a stupid man?
You could get access immediately. Yet now you post experience tells you nothing would change.

You are contradicting yourself, because you're not ready to accept that this has gone badly wrong.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT!

He probably did a good job suckering you in (like promising you the money) but even if he didn't - people make mistakes. And more than once!

There's no shame in admitting this is a fuck up and walking away from it.

The only shame is in staying.

Are you trying to avoid admitting to yourself and everyone else that you've pulled another nobhead?

Cloudia, I'm not saying you shouldn't care for his kids.
Although I've just noted the free childcare for him, there

But WHY would you give money you don't have to his kids, leaving yours breaking open her own money box for a taxi to see a friend? Doesn't that break your heart? Doesn't it make you angry?

He already spent £20 on his kids. Sorry - his OTHER kids. Not yours.

This situation is his abuse, not your fault.
But you need to stop making bad decisions on top of it now.

Op i've had a brief read through and I understand that leaving him is a daunting process and you obviously need to be sure. However you seem to be making excuses for him, as you seem to have never asked him outright.

I think you should say to him 'x we really need to sit down tonight and go through our finances'

He may have a load of debt he hasn't told you about or he may just be being an arse but at least if you force the issue you'll know.

£40k isn't an awful lot of money for you all to live on especially if you are paying maintenance.

My FIL is an absolute miser with money, but he is with himself as well he's just a tight arse.

Being skint and being mean is one thing but being mean unecessarily is abusive and you need to find out which category your dh is in by forcing the issue.

I am a child of the 50 s when money was tight just after the war. mum was a sahm, dad earned a modest amount . We rented a very nice council house but do you know what OP there was no sense of lack in my upbringing.

We had a car. Mum and I had lovely clothes and shoes. there was food in the the pantry. Our house was well maintained by dad. It was nicely but plainly furnished. I got presents and christmas and birthdays. There were treats, days out and holidays but never ever did I sense that mum was kept short deliberately. If we wanted something they saved up till they could afford it.

I wonder what sort of memories your children are going to have.

He's mean OP. tight and mean. I wonder how much that spills over into the rest of your relationship.

I have a gut feeling these aren't all his children. Is he resentful.

It shouldn't be guerilla warfare where you have to sneak what you need or want.

That's a joyless existence and it will grind you down.

H is the problem.

I am so shocked at what I have just read. It is so depressing.

You need to get out, I feel so sorry for your children.

He is a financial abuser.

He has ground you down over the years into someone who THINKS she cannot stand up for herself and her children. It breaks my heart to read about your situation.

Maybe i have missed it up thread but im surprised no one has suggested that you see a solicitor. You are entitled to one half hour consultation for free. You do not have to walk away from this empty handed. If you live near me i'll come and help you dismantle the furniture myself.

call women's aid and they will recommend you a lawyer and prep you on what questions you need to cover during your free half hour. is there a lawschool anywhere near you? they often can help with consultations.

my bet is that the debts are not anywhere near clear and he is probably lying to you about the extent of the debt.

is he your dc's father? he isn't their dad whether they share his dna or not. He cares not one fuck about them by what i have read.

if you walked into this relationship as it is niw you would be like, fuck that for a bag of toffees but it is insidious and he has gradually broken you. your self esteem is so low that you just don't expect more.

like i said , we dont have much money but that is genuine. honestly if my dp brought home 40k a year i wouldn't know what yo do with it all. AND we have a large mortgage and run a car - i thunk "scrimp" is a relative term.

get angry and use that anger to claim your life back. i would also suggest you seek some counselling to address your self esteem issues.

Your marriage is over though isn't it? Life is too fucking short to live like this.

He's financially abusive, but also you don't seem to like him at all (understandably).

You need to start making plans to move on.

Sorry if I have missed something. I also know you shouldn't have to - BUT

Please just sit down and lay it all open. Tell him what you want and make it happen. Tell him you want joint access to the finances! Tell him you will not take it anymore. If he refuses, then you leave.

If he sorts it out, you can begin to enjoy life again.

I feel for you OP, I do.

What happens to bank statements etc, do you have any idea where the money is going? Are the debts worse than he is letting on?

No way can you go on like this. I would tell him that it needs to be a joint account or it is over. Are you avoiding arguments about this? How do you react when he says no? I wouldn't be going to bed without a resolution.

As previous poster has said life is too short to live like this if you can't get this resolved ASAP you need an exit plan could it be any worse?