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Original poster

living like paupers when DH earns £40k

239 replies

CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 09:28

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 09:50

He'd be contributing more than £100 a month in child maintenance if you left him and his shitty financial abuse now, love.

I do find your post confusing - like why you had to move when he got work CLOSER to home.

You were single before, with him living away 6 nights a week. You can manage without him.

You were working as a TA - could you retrain as a childminder whilst you're youngest is a baby, then switch back to TA and then teaching later?

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 06/01/2015 09:51

With low rent, no debt and a household income of 40k plus CB, you should be reasonably comfortable with enough for trips out and personal spends for BOTH adults.

Yes, as others have said, abusive if he doesn't allow you sufficient access to family finances.

If he broke the door, he should pay for it to be repaired out of his personal spending money.

However, I don't understand how you could work and manage childcare when he was away 6 days a week, but can't now (apologies if you have said, and I have missed it).

Annarose2014 · 06/01/2015 09:52

I'm sorry but it boggles the mind that you've been married for years and have kids but have never got access to the marital money. Why the hell not??

Did you honestly think all this time "his salary, his business"?? If so, then this is a situation of your own making.

This is bananas!

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 09:52

This month he says he spent £1000 trying to have the car repaired. I was married previously too and he was financially abusive and DH knows this and said I'd be in charge of money, that he was rubbish with it hence the debts but low and behold I've never seen a bank statement or had his card and it just feels like dejavu.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 09:54

OP was a TA, so presumably school hours fitting around school age children, but now there's a baby.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 09:57

I was a TA in a school with an attached nursery and got 50% off childcare fees. He moved to our home town but the other side of it as he has to live near work.

OP posts:
Blu · 06/01/2015 09:57

Could he be gambling, or something?

Time to remind him of what he said: that you would be in control of money, that he is useless, etc, and that it needs to start right now.

Did he say what the car needed / had done? he spent £1000 (Shock no-one spends tht on car repairs unless it is an expensive high end car...)on repairs/ What repairs? That sounds like new engine or new gear box- and again unless it was n expensive car, you would just trade it in and get a new second hand job, surely?

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 09:59

He doesn't sound like someone who is bad with money. I wouldn't be surprised if there were no debts at all and it was an excuse to keep money back.

Spent £1000 "trying" to repair the car? You could buy my very reliable 12yo Ford Focus for that. And "trying"? So, it's still not working? I call bullshit. Call the garage. No-one spends £1K to "try" to fix something. The garage checks what is wrong, prices it up, fixes it. I am certain he's lying to you about that.

You need to tell him you see all money in a joint account and you budget together, from TODAY.
If he isn't prepared to do that, tell him it's over, and mean it.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 06/01/2015 09:59

I'm struggling to find anything positive about staying in a relationship with this man.

You sound like you were coping really well without him, so can you break free properly? If you were working as a single parent you would be entitled to tax credits and more besides. He doesn't sound like he'd reliably cough up any kind of maintenance or child support but hopefully there's enough other help out there that you could do better than you are doing living WITH the arsewipe.

VioletandRoger · 06/01/2015 09:59

Sit and go through the finances with him. Incoming and outgoing funds. Aim to put aside each month in a joint savings account cash. Also allocate the same small amount of money for generally frittering, a pot of cash for trips/holidays etc

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:00

It's just every day things irritate me because he just appears oblivious - he lost the dogs lead, for example. Our dog is quite rightly being a pain the butt as she needs walking, not only can I not afford a lead but getting one means a two mile walk with three kids to the shop. He could pick one up easily while in town for work, he has seen she's hyperactive and I've said she needs one but it just doesn't happen.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/01/2015 10:01

Whether or not you stay with him, make plans to get work. Childminding is not a bad idea until you can work away from home - did it myself. Doesn't pay much, but pays something and looks better on your CV.

Or, if you move back where you were before, could you just go back to your old life and leave any decisions about divorce or changing the situation up to him for the moment?

Do you think he might be gambling? How else did he manage to get in debt "from his first marriage" if he is such a tightarse?

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:01

Oh love. Call your old school. Tell them you made a massive mistake leaving. I don't suppose there's any chance you're on maternity leave still rather than quit already? Sad
Tell them to please tell you of any TA vacancies so you can apply to go back there, and keep following that up.

toomuchnutella · 06/01/2015 10:01

OP have you actually spoken to him about it,told hi how you feel and that you want it to change?

If not,then do it!!!

It doesnt sound fair at all,you should both have joint access tot he bank account.If its as bad as it sounds, i would demand a joint account,or you will move out,you sound like you will be better off (financially and emotionall) on your own.

VioletandRoger · 06/01/2015 10:02

Are the kids his? He seems to have opted out of financial responsibility for them.

I'm not defending him but 40k is a good amount but not masses

HoggleHoggle · 06/01/2015 10:02

I agree. You need to set out the following:

You have access to all accounts including your own card for them
He recognises that the children are suffering from lack of money, they are missing out on social interaction etc
You can bloody buy some bloody bras when you bloody need to. And anything else.
I'd ask for a breakdown of all costs of your lives together so you understand how much disposable income you have and what is realistic to be able to spend after bills

If doesn't agree to any of these points then I'm really sorry to say that I'm afraid this is financial abuse again.

I hope you're ok.

VioletandRoger · 06/01/2015 10:03

How does he get to work?

It does sound abusive

Annarose2014 · 06/01/2015 10:03

£1000 to try to fix a car?

Yeah but NO, love. Bullshit.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:04

The tenancy is in his name and related to his job so the dc and I would have to leave. I have no one to help and no means of moving anything. I feel an idiot for putting myself in this position.

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 06/01/2015 10:05

You're not an idiot. But I'd start thinking about your next step.

Mrsgrumble · 06/01/2015 10:05

I would go to a solicitor or citizens advice to be honest, and taking the children's money for a day out for himself while he leaves you scrimping daily is disgusting

Annarose2014 · 06/01/2015 10:06

Oh and tie a bit of rope to the dog. Poor dog shouldn't have to suffer whilst the pair of you are in such a mess.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:07

You need to wake up.
"Every day things"??!!!
Every day things are forgetting once in a while to wash up his breakfast plates!

Leaving you unable to walk a dog because you can't afford a tenner for a lead, and can't get easily to a shop, is not an every day thing!
FFS - you could have one delivered off Amazon tomorrow for a tenner!
Tell your husband NOW that he's to give you bank card details via text so you can order it. If he says no, surely to god you can see that means you need to leave him?

That dog needs to be walked though. Do you have a neighbour with a lead that you can borrow for an hour?

VioletandRoger · 06/01/2015 10:07

Text him now and say you need to both sit down tonight at 8pm and go through the finances together as it's not working for you at all

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:08

I don't suppose his job is Army? With the tied accommodation. If so, you could speak to the army welfare people.