living like paupers when DH earns £40k

[CloudiaPickle]

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

On £40k gross salary, he should be bringing in around £2.5k per month net cash. It might be a bit less if he's making pension contributions or paying his first wife maintenance, but that gives you a pretty good starting point.

What the main outgoings - mortgage/rent; electric; gas; water; council tax; petrol (not sure if he has access to a car even though you don't). There will be others that are individually quite small but which add up - mobile phone contract, Sky subscription, insurance, etc.

Hopefully that should give you a rough feel for what's left over to pay for food, children's activities, etc.

Your whole set up is so wrong I don't know where to start.

In the short term, you need to get a job ASAP and tell him he's paying towards childcare costs.

Maybe you could have a chat with him.
Obviously it is mean to not get any Christmas presents, or bras, and you should have access to the family funds jointly. The controlling has to stop one way or another.

However being realistic, small families, heating and petrol and cars are expensive and his earnings are not that extraordinary that you would be able to afford the heating on high all the time, or manage without serious budgeting. I had a joint account and we lived on similar money with small children and I couldn't afford new clothes, trips, holidays, heating on high/all the time, and Christmas was very cheap and cheerful for years.

Don't give up hope with being a TA again and becoming a teacher. Sevwral of my friends did this. They helped at their children's pre school when their youngest was there and did a TA qualification from there, then got jobs as TAs when the youngest started school and continued studies from there.

We are on 40 too and have to scrimp - rent is 1k and we run two cars, buy everything second hand for the boys/adults.

The income is family income as he will soon find out if you divorce him.

What happens if you ask for all bank statements and to have joint accounts?

He's not worth talking to. He knows what he's doing and he's not going to change. Just leave him and make sure he pays child maintenance. What a fucking wanker. Sorry.

I'd say rent, maintenance, bills and pension come to £1100 at most.

He may not be controlling you directly, but not being able to use the car means you are stranded.
And WTF £1000 on trying to fix the car????

And how much does he give you for food shopping?

You haven't put yourself in any position. It's everyday stuff for people to give up work, move etc. and make themselves reliant on their partner's good will. It does make you vulnerable, but it is a standard risk that people take, otherwise many of us would never be able to have a family.

Sounds like you have quite a skewed view of who is the idiot here. Does he encourage that view? Maybe you need to get away for a while to get a clear head. Do you have any family nearby? Or could you even get help from his?

I'm seeing a pattern here and it isn't good.

He broke a door - I wonder how?

He lost the dogs lead - won't buy another so your life and the poor dog's is more stressful

He won't repair the car - your life and your DC's is more stressful

He doesn't give you enough money to buy a bra.

He turns the heating off

He doesn't buy Christmas presents for the children

He expects the children to pay for him at a panto

OP I'm sure there is more too. He is an abusive bastard. It won't improve, just get worse and will grind you down and suck the joy out of your children's childhood. Please leave and get the control back.

That's the thing I shouldn't have to tell him to give me his card/demand money for basics - he should be equally responsible for sorting things (like the lead) out, surely?

And I have been walking our dog in fields near our house, just haven't told DH as I suspected he'd shirk buying a lead...and I was right.

I'm sorry ravenmum but they're married, with kids who are old enough to notice the change in circumstances and yet she has no idea whats in the joint account or where the money goes. That in my view is putting yourself in a position.

Yes he is financially abusive (and knowingly so I'd guess since he's clearly familiar with financial abuse from her history) but it is insane that it has gotten this far.

Of course you shouldn't, but they are being deliberately withheld and you are being financially abused so you have to take the initiative. I think you should also be highly suspicious as to why - apart from sheer selfishness - he would not want you to see a list of his transactions.

DD has been invited to a sleepover on Friday but I cant get here there because he's taken the car off the road. I caught her counting out her money box this morning so she could contribute towards a taxi

Last year I could afford for her to have a sleepover here, order pizza for her and her friends etc. It should be the other way around, surely.

I lived like this for years, but my 'd'h earned more than double what yours does. In the end I used his credit cards online for the kids clothes etc, and just withstood his wrath. When I got sick of his taunts about it being credit card fraud, I handed him the phone and told him to call the police and tell them his wife had ordered groceries on tesco.com and I would enjoy watching them laugh. His controlling behaviour didn't stop, but he got used to my spending on his card, and wouldn't throw a major wobbly unless I went over a grand a month. I would sneak in clothes and bra's for me with the kids clothes because it wasn't worth the aggravation trying to get money off him.

Yes, this is financial abuse. But if leaving isn't an option, then you have to find a way around his nastiness that approximates a happyish home environment

cloudia that's really upsetting. This can't go on, for all of your sakes.

Is there even anything wrong with the car that you know of? If not, 'taking it off the road' is actually quite chilling.

What are you going to do, OP?

I suspect he'd see nothing wrong with a little kid paying for their own taxi.

Makes me wonder why he and first wife split up. When my daughter gave up her lucrative career to be sahm mum she negotiated an allowance from her husband.

That's what you need OP. a monthly allowance for activities, personal spends, things for children.

Plain speaking is needed. As in I'm not putting up with this frugality any more. I want £400 a month ( that's what dd got 10 years ago when just 1 dc). That money isn't for family food . You need your car back. This isn't the dark ages. Children shouldn't have to walk 4 miles in all weathers. What if one was I'll that day? Otherwise this relationship is ending ....tonight.

There sounds like no joy in your relationship.

I hope that door wasn't broken by your husband in a temper tantrum.

OP, that's heartbreaking.

Please understand this isn't at all 'normal'. It is totally unacceptable.

I know married people with all kinds of financial setups, but never have I heard of a dw (even if she doesn't have a job outside of the home) left with no access to the marital money.

It's just wrong and it's hurting your children. Please take some action. At least talk to him. Don't take any excuses.

I feel like using the shopping money to book a train/hotel for the dc and I to have a weekend away so I can have space to think and to tell him what needs to change before we return. Sadly, I think he really doesn't see that anything is wrong despite the money situation, him doing nothing around the house, us not spending time together etc.

"It should be the other way around, surely."

Everything you're describing is wrong. He brings home £2500 (as far as you know), your rent and regular outgoings are £1100. There is £1400/month disposable income and you have no idea where it goes. In the past he sent you a miserable £100/month.... but because you had some income of your own you didn't raise it as being an insulting amount.

I think you'd benefit from talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 about your options.

I think you should contact WA about this and to discuss practical options.

What happens if you use the food money for the taxi or a cab?
Will he let you all go hungry?

That's the thing I shouldn't have to tell him to give me his card/demand money for basics - he should be equally responsible for sorting things (like the lead) out, surely?

If he lost the dog lead, he should sort out a replacement, but realistically, if he works outside the home and you don't, it is likely that you will have more time for shopping etc so you will probably end up doing most of this.

However, you should have free access to a credit card or the joint account card so that you can buy food without having to ask every time. If you had a card you could use, you might also be able to have the car repaired or buy a new one, although big purchases like that should be joint decisions so that you can both choose one that is affordable and suitable for your needs.

Why wouldn't leaving be an option? The way he is making you and your children live is awful. I'd probably get a loan or no interest credit card to pay rent upfront on a new place, then get housing benefit which will mean you can pay the loan/credit card off quickly. He is horrendous. You will be so much better off without him.