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Original poster

living like paupers when DH earns £40k

239 replies

CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 09:28

Up until six months ago DH worked away and lived in work accommodation six days per week. The children and I had to move when he started working closer to home and I had to give up my job, though I was also pregnant so this was going to happen anyway. I was only earning £10k and was managing to run the household as well as the dc and I having a good quality of life - trips away, theme parks etc. He was using his money to pay off debts from his first marriage.

Now we're all in the same house and I feel miserable. I'm not materialistic in the slightest but I hate feeling poor. I have child benefit for the dc ans DH gives me money for food shopping once per week and that's it. I need new bras since having our baby but can't buy them. He always turns the heating down/off. I have no money for trips for the kids and I. He has taken the car off the road because we supposedly can't afford for it to be repaired, which means a four mile round trip to school on foot with three young dc. He didn't buy them (or me) a single Christmas present. We need things for the house that are essential (a new back door, curtains etc)but he won't get them.

I just feel it's ridiculous that our outgoings are minimal (low rent, he has no more debt) and he earns four times what I was yet we now have a much worse quality of life. The dcs received some Christmas money and I was going to take them to the panto at the weekend with it when DH was working, he booked time off to come too but expected that his ticket was funded too!

I'm beginning to wish we were still living like we were, or even that I were single. Because of his job he can't be relied on for childcare day or night and because he earns a lot I can't get help with childcare. I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Am I being shallow for feeling miserable about money and considering leaving over it?

OP posts:
grocklebox · 06/01/2015 10:29

She doesn't need an allowance, ffs, she's not a teenager!
What you need, OP, is a joint account with full access to all communal money, or a divorce. He's treating you so badly because you are letting him, there are the two of you in it. Force his hand and DO SOMETHING!

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:29

It sounds a bit dramatic but I feel like just asking what he feels he's added to my/the dcs life since we've moved? Because all I see is negative affects. We've sacrificed loads and for what? A grumpy dad and a dh who's asleep by 8 pm.

OP posts:
TheQuibbler · 06/01/2015 10:29

I think you need to ask yourself what you want to happen next.

The current situation you find yourself in is not sustainable or fair. It sounds, frankly, abusive.

Do you think if you had a discussion with him that he would take on board all of these issues and make an effort towards changing so that you have a access to money that you need?

If not, then you need to think seriously about the effect this is having on you and your children and if you want to stay with him.

Are there any good points? Is there anything to build on? If not, you should plan how to get out because you deserve better.

OddFodd · 06/01/2015 10:30

Do it. He's abusing you AND your children

HoggleHoggle · 06/01/2015 10:31

Sorry if you've said already but do you have any family you could decamp to for a little while?

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:31

Come on, if your child raiding their own piggy bank won't make you act, what will?
Surely that's enough.

No, you shouldn't have to ask him for card details to pay for a dog lead, you should be able to rely on him to sort it out. But you can't. So don't let that be an excuse not to do it.

If your child misses a sleepover because SHE can't afford a taxi because HE spent HER money on a panto ticket for HIM... then you need out of this marriage.

I don't think there's any point in talking to him, he knows what he's doing. He lied to you about giving you financial control to suck you in.

Make plans to leave, but in the mean time, don't ask him - tell him.

Calm Women's Aid and understand your options for leaving him - e.g. What priority housing you would be, as a single mother with a baby.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:34

Charley I have no one to help. How would I move beds etc with no help, no transport? I can't even put the baby down for ten minutes let alone dismantle and move furniture. When I left my exH I moved into a hostel with nothing, I'm not doing that again. My children deserve better.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 10:35

This is so far from normal its ridiculous. Its your life, day in and day out, and I can tell you know its bad, but do you realise how bad? He IS controlling you.

In your OP you wrote

I was working as a TA and wanting to train as a teacher but will never be able to do that while married.

Marriage is not what is holding you back from this. HE is the only thing holding you back. Its HIM.

He is abusing you, and also he is abusing your children. You have a choice but they don't and they need you to stand up for them. This way of living is not good, and its heartbreaking that your DD was counting pennies to afford a taxi. Its one thing to be on a low income and simply not be able to afford things, but to be on an ok wage and not able to buy a bra is fucking disgusting.

Have you ever tried to point any of this out to him? What was his response?

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:36

No Hoggle. I have no one.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:36

Don't waste your food money on a hotel. You don't have to go away to tell him that he has to change. Tell him anyway (although, please don't, he'll lie and it'll be more of the same, just leave). You'd be better off speaking to WA or you local housing office about how quickly you can get housed elsewhere - then once that happens use the week's found money to get food in your new house.

Minervaowl · 06/01/2015 10:37

OP are you frightened of him? Or of what he might do if you challenge him?

Am so sad for you. x

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:38

But he wants me to work. And I'm sure he'd be more than happy to live off my wages like he had been for the last few years.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 10:38

I left my exH I moved into a hostel with nothing, I'm not doing that again. My children deserve better.

So this life is better than using a hostel as a temporary step to a better life?

Really?

I get that you have a baby and that is draining you and making it all seem harder but this just cannot continue.

Annarose2014 · 06/01/2015 10:39

There has to be more to this. There has to be a reason why you haven't demanded more by now.

Has he a temper? Are you afraid of a confrontation?

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:40

Cabrinha surely I'd be making myself voluntarily homeless though? I'm not scared of him, just know he'll go silent and sulky and I don't want the dc in that atmosphere.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/01/2015 10:40

Financial abuse is recognised as abuse. Get WA on your side.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:40

Who gave the children the Xmas money?
Could they give you enough for a man and a van?

Save the food money one week for a man and a van, not a hotel for a weekend! That's a pointless gesture because it won't change him one bit.

I think the best option is to put your foot down, get equal access to the family money, start squirrelling away money from your half of the disposable income, and pay for removal person that way.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:42

Slice it took years to build up nice furniture, toys etc for the dc after I left my first marriage. Why should we be back to square one? He doesn't deserve to keep all their things that he hasn't contributed towards.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 06/01/2015 10:42

There are several points I can see here.

Firstly in order for him to pay off debt from his first marriage he will have to forgo things.
However this is not your debt.
You need to split money equally in half, you pay some bills and he pays some bills to the same amount. what is left you split 2 ways then you have money for the dc, shopping and whatever you need.
He can then use his to pay off his debt.
If your dh doesn't agree to this show him the door, the one that needs replacing.
He is using money to control you, everything should be equal whether you are earning or not. That is what a partnership is.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:44

I don't know the rules, Cloudia, you need to speak to someone who does.
If you tell him it is over, even if at the same address I think you can start to claim benefits as a single person. Check with CAB / WA what proof you need that it is over.
Then, take advantage of the low rent. Pay him half. If he wants you out, he'll have to evict you, which makes you homeless. In the meantime, save save save and move out anyway - but get on housing list.

As I say - I don't know the rules, but WA do. Talk to them.

HootyMcTooty · 06/01/2015 10:46

OP, how did the back door get broken?

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 06/01/2015 10:46

When I was heavily pregnant my phone broke. I have a history of fast labours. He didn't even think to get me a temporary phone and could have missed the birth of his own child because of it. Yet I do think he genuinely doesn't see what his behaviour can be construed like.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/01/2015 10:46

As Lweji says, you are not making yourself homeless by leaving an abusive situation.

Take a look at this link OP

Link

I would bet that he displays other behaviours mentioned in that link, not just financial abuse.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 10:47

What would your daughter prefer - nice furniture or being able to go to a sleepover?

What's more important - that she keeps her bed, or grows up in a household NOT learning that this is how a husband will get to treat her one day?

I can't imagine how daunting it is to face this again, but you've done it once, you know you can do it again.

You don't HAVE to do a moonlit flit leaving her bed behind.

Go and talk to the experts and find out what your options are.

higherhill · 06/01/2015 10:48

Op I have no experience of what you are living with, but bloody hell, no man would make me and my kids live like this. Sometimes we have to go backwards in order to move forwards, going back to square one would be a temporary move. get angry and do something. seething on your behalf.