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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 21:58

No, not going to reply. He can piss off as far as I'm concerned now.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 21:59

No, I think I had the upfront and final talk with him before andcat

OP posts:
sonjadog · 01/01/2015 22:08

Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. I think I would probably try having a last frank conversation with him before calling it a day.

iamthenewgirl · 01/01/2015 22:11

People on here are saying you are insecure, needy, this and that...

At the end of the day, no one can tell you how you feel. Only you know and if it makes you feel rubbish then it's not working. Life is too short. Move on. You will find the right one. Don't put up with this one.

Malabrigo · 01/01/2015 22:16

If someone makes you feel bad about yourself then take that as a warning sign. That's what it comes down to.
I think women in our society come under great pressure to make things work out, it's always 'why did you end it?', never why continue.
For me a relationship has to be a positive choice. I want to be with them because they add to my life. If someone makes me feel bad about myself then why would I be with them?

Listen to your instincts. Sounds like they're telling you that you should back away. Better to be single and miss a good guy who needs some compromising than to be coupled with someone who turns out to be a total headfuck that it will take you a decade to extricate yourself from.

SoleSource · 01/01/2015 22:19

Dump him. It is not needy to want to talk to your own boyfriend on the phone fgs.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/01/2015 22:21

My spidey senses tell me he's married op

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 22:23

He's not married, I've met his family.

He's just flaky!

OP posts:
LilMissSunshine9 · 01/01/2015 22:25

I loathe texting I really do and the worst one is where you are having a continual text conversation lasting almost an hr it really pisses me off. However I recognise with guys they prefer to text so I make a concious effort to text more than call and I would expect they would make effort to call as well. Alas it rarely happens and I don't stay in a relationship now where a guy is constantly texting and never calls or rarely calls. Sorry but I find that with texts you can easily misinterpret something esp when you are have jokey texts and the number of times it can quickly turn into an argument but in a conversation you can pick up the nuances of the way someone is saying something.

I am a fairly chatty person - not too extreme that I don't know when to shut up but I like joking about as well as debating things etc. so now when I date if the guy is too quiet I walk away quite quickly because it just won't work out.

so OP I don't think your needy at all. I completely understand how your feeling.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 22:26

He does act married though!!!!!

OP posts:
iamthenewgirl · 01/01/2015 22:30

I think you are giving him far too much of your time and attention. Move on.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/01/2015 22:31

STOP. WAIT.

I have to hop into the shower but I'll be back in 15 minutes with words of comfort and calm. DO NOT DO ANYTHING!!! Don't finish with him!!!!!!!

Wait. I'll be back. Xx

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 22:36

Okay, waiting....

(thank you Lilmissunshine xxx)

OP posts:
SanityClause · 01/01/2015 22:40

Life is too short for all this angst.

You have told him it makes you anxious when he doesn't phone, and he hasn't changed his behaviour at all.

He is either game playing (ie, he's caught you, so now he's making you feel unwanted to draw you back in) or he's Just Not That Into You!

You don't have to live like this.

LilMissSunshine9 · 01/01/2015 22:55

It's ok Jess, I used to think that I was too needy and couldn't understand why my friends had guys who called them all the time, bought them gifts, remembered their bdays etc. until I realised its because I keep dating guys who are just either too busy and putting at the bottom of the list or just plain lazy.

I am now of the mindset that I would rather be single and be happy than be with someone who cannot make an effort in any aspect of a relationship whether its communication, helping round the house etc. At the end of the day we are adults, when we go to work and your boss asks to listen, remember something or do something how often do you actually forget to do something? Rarely yet it then seems fine to forget or make no effort for the person you say you love - makes no sense to me.

I might have idealistic views but we live once (depending on your beliefs) and I rather live it being happy with or without someone.

Just find someone who is better at communication than he is - he might be great in other areas but lack of communication is the biggest factor in most reasons why relationships break down and I don't personally think texting is meaningful communication in a relationship that is just 6 months old.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 23:08

Thanks Lilmiss. I never experienced it before so didn;t really know what to do with it. or I have experienced it before, but only from people who clearly weren't that into me. This one does an impression of being really into me and then not into me at all. It's confusing.

I do agree with you, and I would rather be single than beg for someone to make an effort to do things that make me feel good. I dont feel like I was asking the earth either.

And it's 10 past 11 and still no call.

OP posts:
tiredandtainted · 01/01/2015 23:09

Personally I feel that in this situation the use of modern technology clouds the waters. When I met my husband there were no mobile phones, emails or Internet. This meant that you had to be quite invested to even get to the 6 month mark, you couldn't just thoughtlessly text a two word ditty.

I agree with the pp who said that the lack of communication is what will kill this. Even if you were to continue his lack of availability would come back round. Neither of you are bad people and as you say its part of separating the wheat from the shaft.

You're right to take a step back.

Twinklestein · 01/01/2015 23:13

Just read through the thread and you've come to the right conclusion OP.

You're not needy, you were right that he's just not that into you.

Whatsapp, FB, Instagram are for teens, Zlisters and twats. If he was 15, you could blame his age, but he's just not mature or committed enough to prioritise you over social media and well the rest of his life.

Beware of city boys who say they'll leave because the money and lifestyle are highly addictive and many don't go through with it.

Given your age I wouldn't waste a single second more on him.

Twinklestein · 01/01/2015 23:16

I would reply to his text asking 'How's things?'

With: 'Things are over. See ya.'

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 23:18

That made me laugh Twinklestein.

Whatsapp, FB, Instagram are for teens, Zlisters and twats. If he was 15, you could blame his age, but he's just not mature or committed enough to prioritise you over social media and well the rest of his life.

New mantra...

OP posts:
tiredandtainted · 01/01/2015 23:19

Twink that's an appropriate response. I can't see how else you break up with someone who doesn't have time to speak to you.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 23:22

That's exactly it. I was sitting there thinking how he'd have time for me to split up with him...was thinking I would just blank him for 48 hours, then when he finally says "what's wrong", I might just say what Twinklesein says. That if he can't prioritise talking to me for 5 minutes over fucking around on social media then I know everything I need to know.

And am really glad i didn't cancel Crhistmas and NY with my friends and family to accommodate him.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 01/01/2015 23:23

Just phone him. Stop all the mindfuck.

LilMissSunshine9 · 01/01/2015 23:25

nooo - don't even entertain a phone conversation since he couldn't be bothered to call you. I like twinks response - just text it back and then radio silence forever more don't even respond to anything after that, hard to do but trust me the never ending long break up is just cringey

tiredandtainted · 01/01/2015 23:30

I agree, if you've decided that you're done don't phone him. Ultimately he gets what he gives, and you know that he'll attempt to talk you round which frankly would be prolonging the agony. A short text followed by total radio silence.

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