Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

What I am saying is that I have talked to him. I told him I was very hurt he had no time at Christmas for even a 5 minute conversation.

If he does the same to me at New year, despite me asking and saying explicitly it was important for me that he make time to talk to me - then surely it's time to rethink?

Malabrigo that's true. I've been badly hurt in the relationship before him and admittedly giving him my vulnerability is hard.

lotsofcheese that's hit the nail on the head, I feel like he prioritises buggering about with a load of useless activity over me.

Who, honestly, at 35, wastes 3 months dating someone 'they are 'completely not into'?

Yes, I agree it would be time to rethink if he is ignoring your feelings on the matter.

Arsenic I'm not at all playing games. I told him when I met him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I'd come out of a brutal one 8 months beforehand and was still at the stage of crying daily when we met. He asked if we could just be friends and spend some time together, and he helped me through my grief. His Mum had died and he knew about loss and he helped me see the sunshine again. I was not remotely playing games with him I just didn't feel that spark and it came on me all of a sudden as I got to know him.

Once I knew I was beginning to have feelings for him, yes, I had "the talk" because I have made mistakes with the wrong kind of person before and don;t want to be hurt or waste another 5 years of my life.

I'm not at all a game player or wanting to play with this man, I've fallen for him and just want to feel like he cares about me as much as I do him.

Well I can completely empathise with that feeling OP.
It's a fine line between protecting yourself and destroying the dynamic between you.
All I can advise is to be aware you're walking a tightrope and not to make any knee jerk decisions til you've reflected on that balance between protecting yourself emotionally and shutting yourself off from something that could work.

OP, you sound lovely. I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time on this thread, although in fairness many of the facts haven't been told until your last few posts.

Maybe he is offering what little he has to give in this relationship. I don't think it's enough for you.

And FWIW, which of us would want to settle for so little? Who would be happy to be the bottom of someone's list? You sound like you have a lot more to give, in the right relationship.

Fair enough you were initially bruised/traumatised and holding back but (to me) 'investing six months into someone' whilst simultaneously being 'completely not into them' for the first three months is a complete contradiction in terms.

So at the very least you are spinning this both ways. What does that tell you?

I really think you're expecting too much. If I've been around humans socialising and being busy, the last thing I want to do on my down time is have a long phone call with more menial chat. I quite like fucking about on the Internet on my own sometimes. The last thing I would expect DP to do after a full day at work would be to call me, and it's probably the last thing he'd want to do. We are both the types of people who are very busy and value alone time though. He does, however, text me daily, tells me he loves me and puts me first.

I didn't 'prioritise' DP until about a year in, but even now we don't call each other really and have our own separate lives. I think that's why we work so well. I prioritise him now and he prioritises me and DS, in that if he needed me, I'd drop everything to help him and vice versa. He has worked nights then spent days running around hospitals while I was at DSs bedside, I know he loves me, he just doesn't need to live in my pocket.

I have dated people in the past that have been constantly going "call me" "I want to hear your voice" etc and it drove me mad. The thought of having to seemed like such a chore in the end that I didn't even want to see them.

However, it sounds like you have been in relationships where you were both quite full on like that, and that worked for you, so maybe it's just a case of a bad match? You need someone who dedicates loads of time to you,as you would to them, while he's busy and needs some down time and doesn't want constant phone calls?

I'm sorry, it's very hard to put all the facts into one post without it being really long. I was trying to give the information I thought was important.

I'd met this man on online dating which I'd joined after the end on an LTR but I put the profile up and every message from every guy just made me feel sad and miss my ex so I didn't go on any dates. This one guy took time to talk to me and I explained to him I'd put the profile on as a kneejerk reaction to being dumped but wasn't quite ready. He was so nice about it and said he thought I was lovely and could we be friends, and we were friends at first. He just grew on me and he was steadfast but never pushed. He's a lovely person.

I am just 35 years old, and have found myself sitting here feeling like an idiot all day. I'm staying with family for the holidays and did not want to miss my only chance for a chat with him so they all went out for the day and I stayed in for some privacy for this phonecall that never came. I sent that a whatsapp at 12.07 pm, which he read at 12.08 saying "when's a goo time to talk today?" and he never replied. He's been on whatsapp heaps of times and (as I said) found time to bugger around extensively posting videos and jokes on facebook but he can;t reply to my text?

I don;t feel like it's me spinning actually, and as I am typing this I am starting to think he's been very inconsistent.

Maybe it is he likes the chase? I hate thinking that but I am learning people can be horrible. I do feel like it's all given me a bad time over the holidays

Also if it makes sense, because those first few months was him helping me "back to life", I did feel more intimate to him than I would if we'd just been "normal dating". I feel like I opened myself up to him and trusted him and gave him a chance and he's now not being a very good boyfriend. I swore to myself I'd never let a man make an idiot out of me again.

The thing is maybe he thinks that this is the deal? That this is a cat and mouse game? And that if the music stops it is all over?

Jessmay I don't think it sounds like he's being bad, as I explained earlier, it sounds like you're different types of people.

If someone stayed in all day on the off chance I would be free when they were and call, I'd find that a bit too needy and Id be uncomfortable.

Maybe he has time to fuck around online but no privacy to call.

It sounds like a bad match and nothing more

I think he's just a bit flaky!

Ah X post. Then maybe that is a bit different.

But as Wips said, all these different apps are dizzying. Why don't you just phone and ask him straight out?

Maybe Hirr1cane, I don't think he's bad either, but I do have needs that he's not meeting. I do think it might be a bad match. that thought has been going round my head for months. It's weird though how you can think someone's great but that stuff they do just makes you feel bad. It really does make me feel bad!

Tbh I think you need to consider whether you are ready for a relationship OP.
it has taken me three years since my last relationship and I'm not ready yet and I don't know if I will ever be. I could date but it would be a waste of time because I can't trust people. Going into a relationship when you're not feeling able to be hurt is a potential disaster.

Well, I said I wasn't, he spent months convincing me I was :( Funnily enough I feel so much more ready now. Maybe he just liked the wounded bird game. I know such people exist.

It sounds like there is a reason he is single...

I was wondering that! Never married or been engaged and maybe he's just not very good at all this?

good grief, not having been married or engaged is no indicator of whether someone is 'any good' at relationships. Would you like people to judge you in that way OP?

all this texting and whatsapping sounds like a nightmare and I would run a mile getting texts from someone telling me 'they wanted to hear my voice' then expected ME to call THEM. agree with others, if you want to speak to him then you should call him. If you feel that he doesn't want to speak to you when you call, that is at odds with being able to discuss career changes and baby names only 6 months in. Was that conversation at mutual instigation?

Sorry to say this OP but I don't think you sound compatible at all and from what you have said it seems that neither of you wants to compromise for the other (e.g. NY plans) and it sounds like you want to change his behaviour to suit you (e.g. he shouldn't be posting on FB if he hasn't phoned you). I think getting texts asking when its good to call would make me feel less like calling you (sorry but that is just me). If you are more unhappy than happy with the relationship at this stage, it sadly doesn't bode well for the future.

Well, he probably is great, my DP is amazing but I know if I constantly asked if I could call it would drive him up the wall.

Yet if DS needs to call because of some sort of anxiety issue (not his son) he answers immediately. If we need him he's there immediately, we do come first, we just both like our own space.

It sounds like you aren't like that at all and that's fine, it doesn't make you a bad person either but the fact that he's not like you also doesn't make him one.

All I can suggest is you get on with life and when you can see each other properly have an open and honest conversation and see how he feels, if he just doesn't like being in each other's pockets and you need that sort of emotional reassurance/ closeness? (Sorry I sound like I'm pulling you down but I'm not at all) then you need to find someone who can offer you that and who you can give that back to

If you've been thinking it might be a bad match for months and have only been together for 6 months, I would cut my losses and leave. It should be that difficult. It should be the honeymoon period.

Cor, I'm getting hard time, so let me point out.

1. I don't call him because he is the one who says he is too busy to talk. Therefore ball in his court.

1. I texted asking what time was good to talk and call not "constantly" but once, once today because we have only spoke for two minutes over the entire holiday.

1. Yes, I admit I need a lot of emotional reassurance, but I'm not a bad person for that - it's just what I need right now to feel okay. It's hard for me.

I'm not some mad woman pestering this man into submission. I just want a tiny bit of attention and don't see how a person can have no time whatsoever to call and check in with their girlfriend but they do have time to arse around posting funny youtube videos.

I do think that we're just ot compatable, and I am being a fool sitting here feeling like this and I do think I am going to end it.

If he can't make time to call me for 10 minutes over 9 days then we have a problem. Maybe that wouldn't be a problem for everyone, but it is for me and he's hurting me.

I hope you don't think I was calling you a bad person! I honestly wasn't at all. It's fine to be like you, it's fine to be like me, but the two don't often gel well is all I was saying.

I'm also really sorry that you're hurting. It isn't your fault and I bet it's hard for you.

No sorry Hurr1cane. I just feel like everyone's on me like I'm a mad needy teenager because I want to speak to my boyfriend. I'm a bit defensive, sorry! Feeling really tearful and stupid right now! Maybe I am needy, I think I probably am. But he's also not being a good boyfriend.

He just doesn't sound very available to me. His behavior doesn't make you feel good. The relationship doesn't sound sustainable long term. I don't think you sound needy at all. Your expectations seem reasonable. I wouldn't hang around waiting for his leftover time.