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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:

lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:53

Yes, I feel that I can live with my X's low opinion of me! I can deal with it. It wasn't great, but it didn't knock me for six. HE on the other hand can't deal with the fact that I saw fit to want more out of relationship.

Do you feel like this has been fast forward on his personality coming out?!

Original poster

jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:54

No neither did I. I was hurt and angry but kept it in. I don't understnd how stupid a person can be to say they love you, but apparently all your thoughts and feelings are wrong. If they love you, don't they love those too? I think he wants me to just be pretty and agreeable. Which is pretty much the story of my life. I keep ending up with men who say they love me but don't even seem to like me?! Starting to feel a bit wounded really.

OP posts:

Original poster

jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:59

I don't know Lys. I'm confused. But Twinkle is right and "file under twat" is the answer I guess.

OP posts:

lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:59

You'll be ok. You seem pretty astute. He lacks self-awareness.

You don't keep ending up with men who just want you to be pretty and pleasing. You saw that that's what he wanted from you and you rejected it, so it won't "keep ending up" like that.

HelenaDove · 07/01/2015 23:59

Blimey what a tosser.

They are all bad messages but this in particular stood out

"i am not the same person he fell for he wants the other one back"

Yep he liked you at the vulnerable stage.

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 00:00

It would have been funny if ten pages back, when he texted 'how's things?' you'd texted back with 'things are over'.

Well, i say 'funny' but ykwim. Apt.

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 00:01

(as twinklestein suggested)

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 00:02

yes helenadove, the person he wants back was from when they knew each other less well. He really doesn't do intimacy or connection or familiarity or communication. He wants back a vulnerable agreeable pretty stranger!

Original poster

jessmay · 08/01/2015 00:07

Hindsight is a beautiful thing! But at least I tried.

Yes, he probably did like me better when I didnt care what he did and all I did was cry.

OP posts:

ScrummyPup · 08/01/2015 00:19

Blimey. This has been a long thread - almost like reading a novel.

He sounds unhinged.

JapaneseMargaret · 08/01/2015 00:28

He does sound unhinged.

Imagine if a woman behaved like that, post-break-up. She'd be labelled a bunny-boiling psycho.

Well done for wresting control and dumping his weirdo ass.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 08/01/2015 01:02

Fucking hell, he's turned into a complete psycho! Google how to block texts on your particular phone, it's usually really easy to do. Maybe send one last text saying he's now bordering on harassment and if he continues to bombard you, you'll approach the police for advice. Keep the ones you already have (for now), just in case you do need to show the police. But blocking him really is the way forward.

GallicShrug · 08/01/2015 01:17

He IS unhinged! Phew, glad you got out of that in one piece, Jess!!

Old crone words coming up ...

His narrative throughout your relationship has been: "I love you, you're crap." Now he's telling that entire story in every single text, the weirdo.

Don't fall for it! Think about it - why would anyone play that game? Because they only love crappy folks? As you pointed out, no! You love someone, you like them, right?

But if you think you can keep a better partner than you deserve - by applying mental torture until they believe they're crap - then you might be perfectly willing to hurt them that much. To keep them by breaking them.

Nasty.

It can even be worse than that. People who are genuinely mis-wired in the head often do this thing called projection (ask your therapist.) This is where they honestly persuade themselves all THEIR faults are YOURS. In the psychology behind this, they literally cannot bear to admit they have faults. So, when they get an inkling of some fault they may have, they immediately switch it so they see that fault in you. It can really screw your head up, but it is in fact quite common.

I feel you can be extremely proud of having extricated yourself before it got worse!

BoozeyTuesday · 08/01/2015 07:10

Op this is not your fault, he is a nasty piece of work and is showing his true colours. If all he wanted was to work things out, he wouldn't be insulting you like this.

Surreyblah · 08/01/2015 16:07

I hope you're not replying to any of his texts. No Contact would be best!

albal14 · 08/01/2015 17:08

Hi Jess, Hope your ok. You found out what he was like, a prick. Move on and meet a genuine guy. Take care x

Original poster

jessmay · 08/01/2015 17:42

Yes thanks all, I'm fine and he's settled down a bit now.

OP posts:

BlueBrightBlue · 08/01/2015 18:42

Jess, I didn't see that coming. I honestly thought he was socially inept and perhaps a bit Aspi.

There is a saying if something seems to be too good to be untrue, it usually is.

How bloody he dare criticise you for your actions, I think you are perhaps not very worldly wise, but all the same he sounds totally obnoxious.

Best rid girl.

Twinklestein · 08/01/2015 19:01

You sort of did see it coming BrightBlue.

As per your post of Jan 2nd:

Block his number. I'm sorry but I sense there is nothing to redeem, no second chances.
Either he thinks he's cock of the hill or is completely thick.
He doesn't live in the real world; forget this Venus and Mars thing; his planet belongs to another galaxy altogether.
Block him now, it will make the transition a lot easier if you are ever tempted to contact him; delete all history.
He is not just a tad socially inept, he has deeper issues which are not your problem.

Bang on the money.

BlueBrightBlue · 08/01/2015 19:11

Well sort of yes and no.

I really didn't think he'd be so vindictive TBH.

I did wonder if he was a player or flighty, even maybe gay?

I suggested OP block him as I could see this "relationship" ending in tears.

Wasn't prepared for the tirade of abuse she got.

Twinklestein · 08/01/2015 19:20

I can't honestly say I'm surprised.

I didn't think he was gay I just thought he wasn't invested. He fitted her in round his FB schedule. He struck me from the start as having a mental age of about 15. I got the impression that the OP thought he was a much nicer person than he actually was, and she wasn't really getting him (and said so).

His reaction is characteristic of a 15 year old boy who's been owned.

BlueBrightBlue · 08/01/2015 19:26

Twink you agreed with me, I'm touched, had a really shitty day and someone has said I'm bang on the money.

Thank you x

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 19:51

Garlicshrug, that projection thing is what my x did. I told him he was telling me what I thought and reacting to what he told me I was thinking and not listening when I tried to tell him what I really thought, and instead of being taken aback and apologetic, he instantly got angry with me for being delusional, talked about how he should have paid attention to the red flags . Like OP, this guy identified (himself) as being a really nice guy, but the tirade of criticism directed at me when I kindly but firmly said that I no longer wanted to go out with him............... if a woman had sent it to a man it would have gone viral, ykwim.

GallicShrug · 08/01/2015 22:15

he was telling me what I thought and reacting to what he told me I was thinking - Oh, god, been there! You find yourself thinking "Who's he actually talking to, because it isn't the me I know "

got angry with me for being delusional - Yep, too! If I'd had Mumsnet back then, I'd have known to switch all the pronouns (you to I; me to you) and see if it started to make more sense - it would have!

Weird people.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 18:22

yes, I was lucky that I had done my apprenticeship on mumsnet! I was able to see it instantly. I think that shocked my x too (recent x, not children's father) the fact that I didn't overlook it. He was so angry that I just ended it. No 'waiting to see' if it would happen again. It would have

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