Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

I think he likes you but he liked you more when you were unavailable and that's never a good sign. He also likes the idea of being with you and of some future where he has magically transformed into a devoted husband and father.

Except he won't change, not on a timescale that suits you. You're 35 and the first law of online dating is don't waste time on people who are not right for you.

By 6 months of dating I would expect more than a 2 minute phone call in 9 days, especially over the holiday period. I can't believe people are telling you that you're needy for wanting more than that! All the What's Apping etc makes me wonder if he is keeping in touch with other people online, having sex chats or just flirting around.

It doesn't really matter though because in the end you want more than he is capable of giving you. You could try having 'the big chat' with him if you like him enough but be prepared for him to disappoint you. Your gut is telling you that something's wrong and it's probably right.

Sorry, I got hopelessly sidetracked.

Anyway! I'm back. I really REALLY don't think you should dump him for this. Yes I can see why you're funing, but I think if you dump him now it's not really all about the calling. that's just a nearby reason to hang it on. This was the Christmas you realised you wanted to let him in and commit to being a couple... But now, after he has been in touch with you EVERY day (despite it not being by your preferred method), and telling you he loves you and being the person he has always been from the start, you are looking to finish the relationship.

This isn't neediness, it's your fear of commitment. Every time we want to finish with someone for something that was there from the very start, it's a commitment issue. His busyness was the reason you LIKED him in the beginning - that, and his non-threatening cuddly appearance - because it kept him at arm's length. He was safe. Then you switched places and became the chaser rather than the chased -- HE REMAINED THE SAME PERSON, YOU CHANGED. Suddenly, you feel he's not safe and you want to run away.

Honestly, I don't think calling is that important in a relationship today. There are a million ways to contact a partner, why get all hung up on one of them? It's an excuse. Yes, you've told him you feel upset/scared/vulnerable etc when he doesn't call you, and he still didn't call you. That's not a reason to finish with him. Well, you can use it as one, but it's not a very good one, it's not a very "sticky" one, and six months down the line you'll be kicking yourself.

What I really think you should do is retreat and regroup. Don't think about chucking him. I'm glad you didn't reply to his text tonight, it was crap. don't reply to any texts till he rings. That'll send the message loud and clear that you prefer to be phoned rather than texted.

Christmas and New Year are SO emotional. It'd be very easy to finish things all dramatically just because you're tired, lacking in Vitamin B, going mad with expectations, stressed, etc. I'd hold your fire. Just give it a couple of days.

As far as mind fuckery goes I can't see that this is what the op's doing. Why should op give anymore courtesy or consideration than the bf has shown her.

He's been in touch with her EVERY DAY. He spends all his free time with her. He's talked marriage, kids, a future. He's been supportive and kind and loving. I'm sure he's generous, reliable and thoughtful too.

He invited her to spend xmas and NYE with his family. He's introduced her to everyone in his life.

He just hates talking on the phone and feels that she says she feels when they don't physically speak, even though he's in touch with her several times a day, every day.

He's just not a phone person. My DP is the same. Emails, texts - yes. Actual calls - no. I think we spoke once on the phone in our first 6 months of dating.

Whatever he is or isn't doing, it doesn't make the op feel good and that is what she needs to concentrate on. It isn't working FOR HER.

It's great that WhatsGoingOnEh doesn't think that calling is important in this day and age. Perhaps she would make the perfect partner for him but we're not talking about her. We're talking about the op and chatting on the phone at least more than 2 minutes in 9 days is important TO HER.

I know what you say makes some very good points, but Whatsgoingoneh, I am sitting here crying on new year's day.

So, you know, I feel like that's a big problem and my need for my boyfriend or husband in the future to want to speak to me is part of me, I can't change it

jessmay, it's really important that your needs are met and if that means (at this stage of the relationship) a chat on the phone rather than a text or bloody whatsapp crap then so be it.

This is a red flag. Heed it or you will be on the Relationship Board in a few years time posting about more than just lack of telephone contact.

To each their own, and you and your dp are happy presumably with the arrangement that you have.

I am not saying that the op's boyfriend is a bad person, however in the op it was said that he was missing her and would have a long chat with her today. She has yet to have a phone call, of any duration.

Ultimately if you are looking for a committed relationship then there has to be communication. If he can't be bothered with a five minute phone call after 6 months then how will this look in 5, 10 or 20 years time. My dh also hates the phone, and is not talkative by nature but I still get calls just to say he wants to hear my voice. It takes very little thought or effort to text two words. Frankly I'd consider myself worthy of more.

Ultimately one size doesn't fit all in relationship however if you are not satisfied, especially after 6 months, why continue. Especially if you are looking for marriage, children etc.

Ffs people the OP wants to talk to her boyfriend of 6 months on the phone. On New Year's Day. It's not even remotely our of order or needy - some of you are being really cruel. Why should his preference to communicate by text trump her preference to talk on the phone? What shit.

You're crying because you've been stewing over this all through Christmas, you've had a bottle of Prosecco, you've been drinking more than normal fir the past week and your Vitamin B is depleted (leaving you very low and nervy), you stayed in all day to wait for his call, and he sent you a thoughtless text. You're away from your home, you'd worked yourself up into Future Thoughts all Xmas, you've not been working or following your usual routine and it's all got on top of you.

If you still feel heartbroken in a week's time, when you're back at work, surrounded by your own friends and things, and haven't necked a bottle of wine, you'll know you're not over-reacting or being needy.

Did he get you a Christmas present? A card with a lovely message? Did you do Christmassy things before you went your own ways for the nine days?

Also, he has a job in the City. 'Not a phone person' doesn't cut it. He'll be on the phone daily to get his job done.

I agree really with what everyone is saying, but to be fair, yes, he did get me a Crhistmas present and phoned my Mum to get her address so it would be here waiting for me. And he posted a card too, and he also arranged us to have our own "Christmas" with Christmas dinner and Love Actually (he knows I love it) and all that before I left. So he does make an effort.

But really he's gone to bed and sleep now without that call and it's not because he doesn't like talkijg on the phone (he could endure that for 5 minutes if he cared about me) it's because he isn't built in such a way as to listen and interpret the needs of other people.

I'd far rather have a boyfriend who HADN'T sent me an amazing and thoughtful present or arranged a special Christmas night with me who just bloody phoned.

The right relationship generally doesn't involve stewing and crying because the right relationship generally means that your needs are being met without 'efforting' and having to convince yourself that only having a 2 minute conversation is okay because you are cool and down with the chicks.

This is not the right relationship for the op.

Look I can't advise anyone what to do but I wouldn't be crying over someone I'd known for 6 months.

The way I see it he has time for a relationship when it fits in with him. If you felt that you were his priority you wouldn't feel how you do now. You could give it a week but from what you've described what would you have missed a handful of texts?

Don't sell yourself short, especially if you are looking for marriage and children. I would chalk it down to experience. But again I cannot advise you just offer my opinion.

Trust your instincts. You know what is right for you.

And I agree it shouldn't be this hard after such a short time.

At the end of the day Jess your one of those people like me who prefer their communication in a different way to others. We prefer calls over text really nothing is wrong with that. However like me you compromise and text but sometimes it just feels like the compromise is just one sided. If you compromise and text more he should at least acknowledge it and compromise and call. Nothing worse when you rarely talk on the phone to be promised a long call from someone you love only to be disappointed and like you say its not like he has a real emergency that he could not call.

With my last bf I did compromise and text more as he was a texter but in the end he could not even once answer my calls, return missed calls or even call me. I ended it because whilst I get you have to compromise sometimes in a relationship it was one sided and he could not compromise on his texting and call me. He would even have to cheek to have a go at me for not responding to his texts instantly - I had already warned him early on that I am not a person who is glued to their phone and sometimes shock horror my phone is upstairs for half a day before I even realise I haven't even checked it.

Please do not be upset anymore it isn't worth it.

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 20:25:41
Well, I said I wasn't, he spent months convincing me I was sad Funnily enough I feel so much more ready now. Maybe he just liked the wounded bird game. I know such people exist.

They do. Its called White Knight Syndrome!

Every time we want to finish with someone for something that was there from the very start, it's a commitment issue.

What??? Alongside millions of other women, I've had big red flags flapping in my face and persuaded myself they weren't red, or weren't flags, or maybe a sheet of red canvas is my favourite outfit anyway. Months or years down the line, stifled & strangled by acres of fucking red canvas, I've come to my senses and got out.

Unless the issue you meant was making commitments to unsuitable men, your statement is cobblers.

it's because he isn't built in such a way as to listen and interpret the needs of other people.

Jessmay, your posts are extremely sound & sane :) Congratulations, you're in touch with your own needs and know you deserve to have them met

Astonishing how many ppl on this thread think the OP should be Cool Girl.

Co

yes, he did get me a Crhistmas present and phoned my Mum to get her address so it would be here waiting for me. And he posted a card too, and he also arranged us to have our own "Christmas" with Christmas dinner and Love Actually (he knows I love it) and all that before I left

What was the present? Did he write a romantic message on the card (was it a romantic card?) or a funny/friendly one?

I'm not saying don't finish with him. I'm just saying don't finish with him when you're tired, a bit drunk, emotionally overwrought, at a very low ebb generally. Christmas is a BASTARD for expectations. It's horrible! It blows everything out of proportion.

His text tonight was really lazy and he should've rung you. But if everything else has been really really lovely, do you REALLY want to give it all up over this one issue?

If you're going to dump him, you can do it tomorrow, next week, next month. It's an option you can use whenever. You have nothing to lose by holding fire until you've seen him in person, for example, when would that be? Do you have plans to meet up soon?

The original description of "cool girl" is from a book called Gone Girl
"“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl

Jess i agree with Gallic Shrug.

You deserve to have your needs met.

When you have time google Mr Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl

Astonishing how many ppl on this thread think the OP should be Cool Girl

This man is contacting the OP several times a day, every day, and spending all his free time with her. He's regularly doing thoughtful, kind and loving things to make her happy. He's introduced her to everyone in his life, proudly displays her as his GF, and put up with her indifference during the first three months.

Why does none of that matter as much as whether or not he phones her? He's contacting her all the time - does the method of communication really matter? Really?! And why does the OP's preference for phone-calls trump his preference for texts? He's a lovely BF is every other way.

If this situation were reversed and the OP posted that her BF had just dumped her because she hadn't texted him in 9 days (except for a two-word one she'd sent under duress), but had called him, invited him for NYE, given him a pre-xmas Xmas celebration, and sent a present to his mum's house, we'd all be telling her she'd dodged a bullet.