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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/01/2015 10:05

My take on it is that with many city guys he likes the chase & perhaps is not brilliant with commitment. So long as he was chasing you OP and you were emotionally unavailable all was well and good for him; as soon as you started become available and like him in earnest, he backed off and got cold feet.

BlueBrightBlue · 07/01/2015 19:11

Hello OP, just wondering how you are feeling today?
Have you heard from the city heartbroker?

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 20:05

Hey BBB

Well, it just went back to the same problem really. I started talking to him about what we were going to do the day and I got back and he fell asleep mid conversation. Small thing, but annoying and not what I'm used to during a relationship - much less honeymoon period. More not calling when he said he would. More trailing off during conversations.

I tried very openly to explain how this made me feel and he dismissed me (again). I got hit with the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Criticism: "You are sucking all the fun out of this"
Contempt: "OMG, stop the psychoanalysis and talking in the third person"
Defensiveness: "yes but you are the one who keeps changing her mind".
Stonewallling: which is him just basically not answering direct questions, evading me and punishing me by disappearing or going to bed if I am not agreeable.

His story is that it's all my fault because I have been up and down. I admitted I WAS up and down but that I was trying really hard to not be, but that we needed to communicate and if he ignored or belittled me then I would just withdraw and stop wanting to talk. He dismissed again, told me to be normal, told me to be "fun Jess" because that makes HIM feel close to me.

Just sort of dawned on me that despite having been rather lovely to me he's actually just a complete emotional prick head, who might well be into me, but has the worst communication strategies I've ever seen and that I;d be married 10 years down the road to someone who just got nasty or walked out every time I was unhappy.

So I ended it, with great clarity and while I was sad about it, it did feel like a relief.

Thanks all for the support. Some people just can't be reasoned with!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/01/2015 20:14

I think he's just a prick period. Grin

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 20:25

Yeah, it does feel that way. Like some people are "nice guys" or nice people but they also play headfuck games.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/01/2015 20:31

If someone plays headfuck games they're not that nice.

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 20:34

He thinks it's me!!!

OP posts:
GallicShrug · 07/01/2015 20:35

FABULOUS update! Flowers Torch Torch Flowers

Love your analysis there. You've come a long way, baby.

You got nice stuff, company for your broken heart, NYE with your family, and perfected some fuckwit-spotting skills. Result!

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 20:43

Thanks Gallic! I just sat there wondering howcome every time I am upset it's somehow my own fault?

If someone I care about is upset, I want to make them not upset, not make them feel worse by telling them it's their fault.

Heart a little broken, but nothing on what I have been through before and prick-o-meter has been more finely honed.

Sorry to those who hoped for a better or more romantic outcome on this thread, I do think you were all right in a sense that he had issues which I caused from my earlier behavior but if he wasn't willing to move past that there was no point.

I know I wasn't the best GF to start with but I did tell him how it was and was always open and honest about it, so he made his choice and can't blame me for it.

OP posts:
Roussette · 07/01/2015 20:47

At least there's a resolution, Jess. Good luck for the future. Flowers

Twinklestein · 07/01/2015 20:59

I can only repeat his issues were not caused by your earlier behaviour, they are his own issues. It's not ideal to go into relationship hung up on someone else, but many relationships start that way.

He was only into it when you weren't, as soon as you got into it he ran a mile. He liked the thrill of the chase, and the fact that you were vulnerable made you accesible. But he's not up for a relationship at least not with a human being...

HelenaDove · 07/01/2015 21:48

Thanks for update Jess You have TOTALLY done the right thing. Agree down the line you would have been up to your eyes in nappies ,tired and he would have dismissed your feelings totally.

And God forbid how would a dickwad like this cope if his wife got PND. In fact he would be at least the partial cause of it.

You are well rid Thanks

lyspaere · 07/01/2015 21:51

He sounds like a master-manipulator in sheep's clothing to me. Less astute women wouldn't have been able to understand why they were so unhappy with such a 'nice guy'

lyspaere · 07/01/2015 21:56

And he might not be a bad guy per se, but what he wants is to give you about 15% of himself (time, energy, affection, respect) and instead of saying 'busted, you got me' when you recognise this is what he's doing! he tries to master manipulate you.

phonyics · 07/01/2015 22:01

His behaviour was a direct result of him being a twat. Nothing to do with you!

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:35

Yes, he's been horrible since I did it too.

I'm a dick
I'm a dickhead
I'm the most immature person he has ever met
I'm putting him through a relentless test
Please can we talk
He thought before was just me ranting, not serious
I've made it way messier than it should have been
Everything is everyone else's fault with me
I'm full of psycho analysis bull shit
He'd get more sense from a 5 year old than me
I give one way lectures
I'm so patronising
I'm an emotional mess
I am not the same person he fell for, he wants the other one back
I'm like a school teacher, bolocking all the time
If he was here I'd get a massive shake
"You're done", what's that all about?
How many times have I tried to call him?
I am ridiculous

All in the space of one evening. I don't know how to block people from sending me texts.

Can't believe he's been so awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:36

Sorry for ranting, just felt so hurt tonight and he's saying such horrible things to me.

OP posts:
lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:40

omg, he actually reminds me of my x, who identified with being a really nice stand up guy, and he was, until he started telling me what I thought!! I had to end it, and then, that unleashed his crazy.

This is this guy's crazy. Ignore, ignore, ignore. My x, the one who had been nice (you know, up til he wasn't) told me I was delusional when I ended it. He shouldn't have been taken in by me, He should have paid attention to the red flags! And other stuff that was ridiculous.

lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:41

ARe all of these text messages?

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:45

they are all excerpts from long ranty messages interspersed with how much he cares and how this is all my fault and please can we just talk...

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:48

I swear I only sent nice messages (or relatively nice) that just said I felt like I'd tried as hard as I could to communicate but the relationship was making me more unhappy than happy. I didn't sent him ranty messages bollocking him or anything!!!

OP posts:
lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:48

Blimey. NOW he is communicative.

So he can text! When he feels inclined. What makes him inclined to text is.......... wounded pride?

I see a bit of my x in this guy. I mean, he was basically decent but when I ended it with him for good reasons as was my prerogative, he was outraged and didn't seem to accept that I could be crazy enough to reject him when he was so Nice.

Original poster
jessmay · 07/01/2015 23:50

Well, he's always texts. Just on his terms. Doesn't matter when / if I am the one who wants or needs to talk. According to him, we talk when HE can, when HE has privacy and in between that texts are for chit chat and I am expected to be happy and chirpy. If I'm not, he doesn't like it. And he says everything is about ME?

:O

I don't get that he doesn't get it, but maybe some people are just total dicks.

OP posts:
lyspaere · 07/01/2015 23:51

I believe you Jessmay.

Keep the texts for a while. it helped me to keep them because sometimes I'd feel like I missed the guy I ended it with (or the person I thought he was to begin with) but then I'd read back over the demented texts that he sent me when i ended it with him and I felt, oh yeh, ok.

But when I read back over them just a few weeks later I could see more anger than sadness in them. For such a nice guy he turned angry on me very quickly. And like you I'd been careful to end it as smoothly as possibly. I didn't deliver a character assassination or list off his faults. It was astonishing (and hurtful and confusing) how quickly he turned on me.

Twinklestein · 07/01/2015 23:52

File under twat.