Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

A guy who puts effort into convincing you that you're ready for a relationship is a bit questionable to me. The joy of conquest for him perhaps? But on the other hand you like him now and that's what matters. From what you've said so far the only thing making you think that you don't want to be in this relationship is one part of his behaviour which could quite easily turn out to be a simple misunderstanding or a little thoughtlessness or some other minor issue.

I still say wait til things get back to normal post-Xmas and then reappraise, rather than doing anything drastic right now.

I bet it does feel horrible for you. Especially if you've realised it won't work, I was just trying to show you that it might have no bearing on how he feels at all, it might just be his way.

You aren't a needy teenager. If anything me and DP are antisocial loners and that's why that works.

You aren't hurting anyone, you're doing your best, and it's not worked how you wanted it to and that is hurting you.

Can you tell anyone in RL? Turn your phone off and have a sleep/cry? Read a book or watch a film and try to forget him for a bit?

I recently ended a 4-month relationship for slightly similar reasons. The man I was seeing was absolutely lovely, but by the end I was feeling unhappy a lot more than I was feeling happy. I'm like you, OP, and I need a certain amount of emotional reassurance. The man I was seeing wouldn't text nearly as much as I'd have liked him to (even after I discussed it with him). He wasn't bothered about making plans to see me over Christmas or New Year. Obviously after 4 months I didn't expect to be the main priority in his life, but it's so horrible waiting for a text or call that never comes. And it's so hard to work out if you're being too needy or if the man just isn't that into you. I couldn't work out why, if he liked me as much as he said, he didn't want to see me more/have more contact with me/seem more enthusiastic.

In the end I decided we just weren't compatible because of this, and I ended it. I've definitely felt less anxious since. But at the same time I've wondered if I did the right thing, as I've lost someone really lovely.

Sorry, not much use to you, OP, but I just wanted to say I can empathise and I hope you come to the right decision.

Call me a cynic, but I think some men can smell a vulnerable woman from 100 miles away.

Perhaps that was why you appealed to him? Maybe a woman who is unsure about whether she's ready for a relationship isn't going to make "demands" on him?

I can see your point entirely op. I hate talking on the phone but if I was away from my bf for 9 days over Xmas, I would definitely want to speak to him on Xmas day and at new year, even a five-minute how are you/I miss you call. And to not respond to your text today is rude, as is saying he will call and then not.

Some relationships are more text-based than others but I don't think you're being needy at all.

Thanks Hurr1cane. I'll be fine, I'm glad I wrote it out it; made me feel a lot clearer. Andcatmakesthree has summed it up really. I feel unhappy a lot more than I feel happpy and I know it's not supposed to be like that.

I do feel like I have expressed my needs clearly and calmly and that they've been ignored or that he's not willing or able to meet them.

If someone texts me at 12pm who I am dating and asks when a good time to talk is, I reply, if for nothing else but so they can plan their day.

I think I just was feeling ready to let him in completely and consider this as a serious relationship and I suppose all Christmas I've been wanting to talk to him so I could tell him that and this has all been a bit crap.

I do know this is what relationships are about, trying each other one for size and tossing back the ones that are a bad fit.

Hi OP. Sorry you're having such a tricky time. I think with relationships it's easy to get into analysing the details: who called who? will he invite me on NYE etc. But often it's more instructive to consider the bigger picture - how do I feel, generally, in this relationship? Are my feelings positive? Am I anxious a lot of the time? Do I feel cherished? Obviously you have to bear in mind your own insecurities, but at the same time, they're part of who you are and you need to be in a relationship that is compatible with all your strengths and weaknesses. You certainly don't want to be in one that niggles at your sore spots.

Urgh, I started the Christmas holidays feeling all happy like I was ready to open up and have a more serious relationship and spent all the holiday thinking how much my family would love him and doing that awful thing in your head where you start to picture a future and I think categorically that after reading and writing on this thread that I just can't continue in this relationship. He does niggle my sore spots and I can't see anything changing.

I'm too upset to talk to him now even if he does deign to bother himself with me, so I think I'll just open a bottle of Prosecco from last night and start to adjust again to the idea of being single.

Ah well! Not meant to be.

really sorry you are hurting and I def don't think he is right for you, reading back your posts it sounds like you were right from the start to want to just be friends with this guy & he pushed for a relationship too quickly.

if the bad feelings outweigh the good this early on, then that tells you all you need to know. please don't feel stupid, it sounds like you have been upfront and honest with him.

so many things stand out to me that jar:
"If someone texts me at 12pm who I am dating and asks when a good time to talk is, I reply, if for nothing else but so they can plan their day."

the fact you have to even ask when is a good time to talk to someone when they are not even busy at work is telling. Usually 6 months in is honeymoon and you both can't wait to hear from each other. I agree with other posters that some people prey on your vulnerability. I am sure if you stopped texting and whatsapping him, his interest would quickly pick up again.

I think you're right :( He's going to make it very hard to end it.

oh that last sentence sounds wrong, I don't mean that you should try to regain his 'interest'. I mean that you should protect yourself and do what is best for you, which sounds like getting rid of him as he is not right for YOU. someone else will be OP.

Well, I don't think you're being needy at all. A two minute phone call in nine days isn't good enough.

He sounds very similar to my XP who worked very long hours and had two children who he had every weekend. He was very poor at calling and wouldn't return calls for days on end. I put up with him for almost 3 years. The whole relationship made me feel needy and paranoid. I felt lucky when he threw me a few crumbs of attention...

Fast forward to DH and we got engaged after 6 months. I have never felt needy of paranoid in this relationship. He too works long hours but will call me every day when he is away. We never went through a game playing stage. I'd also like to state I am very independent and not at all into talking on the phone!

This book helped me massively when I was at the tail end of my last relationship. It put things in perspective and made me realise that I didn't have to put up with being treated as second best.

You're 35 and if you want to get married and have children you really need to get your finger out. The communication problem with him isn't going to improve it's just going to get worse. He should be falling over himself for you at the moment. If you continue with this, you'll be on the Relationship forum in a few years asking for advice on your workaholic DH who never tells you where he is/is never around for the family while you're stuck at home with a toddler and a screaming baby. Have a good look at the Relationship Board...

There's no need to worry about me trying to recapture his interest. My biggest turnoff is feeling like I have any need to do that. If anything all this behavior has done is push me away.

I've never felt needy or paranoid in a relationship before. Yes, I was thinking it will only get worse. What happens in 20 years? He should be falling over himself fro me at the moment!!!!

x-posted.

don't let it be about HIM making it hard to end then, make it about YOU. why should his needs and wants come before yours. yes it is hard when you have fallen for him and had good times together but just remember how miserable the whole situation is making you when you are not together.

put yourself first, not him. You are in control if you wish to continue in the relationship or not, don't let him dictate how it should be. Maybe he will change his ways but it is entirely up to you to decide whether you want to stay around or not! be strong, you can do it.

He should be falling over himself for you at the moment. If you continue with this, you'll be on the Relationship forum in a few years asking for advice on your workaholic DH who never tells you where he is/is never around for the family while you're stuck at home with a toddler and a screaming baby.

I think that's true.

But the worst of it is, I suppose, that I have told him something he does makes me feel bad, rejected, pushes me away and he's continued to do it.

I can't see anything working long term with someone not willing to compromise to make their partner happy sometimes.

If he said something I did affected him like that I'd change it if it was within the realm of possibility.

And he just sent me a text saying "how's things? x" At 21.38

:O

He might well be the most insensitive person I've ever actually met!

IME any relationship that relies 95% on texts, is highly likely to go 'off the boil' if you're not careful.

Why not arrange a specific date-night, get together for the evening and over a drink or dinner, decide whether this thing is a go-er or not. If the logistics are just too complicated or you get the sense there are too many ifs and buts then you will probably come to the conclusion it's a parting of the ways.

Better that it dragging on interminably and you feeling increasingly negative right?

Jess I was in a similar position about a year ago. I was dating someone I met online who used to text rather than call, and tended to show the most interest in me at the times when I showed the least interest in him. He was also constantly 'busy'. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that he just wasn't that into me. Soon after the realisation hit, I ended it.

The fact is, no-one is ever 'too busy' - it just depends on where you are on their list of priorities. If someone wants to be with you, you'll know all about it because they'll show you. I think that deep down, you can feel that this isn't working. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, just that he's not right for you. Move on and meet someone who is.

Thanks Daisy, I think I'm getting out of this one though. I can't see any point begging for someone's scraps

OP, what you say is resonating so much with how I felt. I told my ex how it made me feel when I waited hours and hours for him to reply to a text ... but despite me making this clear to him and him telling me how keen he was for our relationship to work, he texted even less. It just didn't make any sense to me!

Like you, if I was doing something that upset him and could easily and reasonably change it, I would. And, like you say, if he'd texted me asking when it was a good time to talk, I'd reply, not ignore him.

Like your relationship, things were lovely when we were togther, but so hard when we were apart because we just lost that connection. I became so anxious, waiting to hear from him, and it was a horrible feeling.

Jess chin up and make yourself unavailable!

Thanks andcat

I spent so much time the past 18 months crying over a man that I promised myself not to do it again. Glad you know how it feels, it's exactly like that, like I lose the connection.

I am definitely sure I am going to end it. For now, ignoring his stupid "hows you" text and ploughing into the Prosecco trying to remind myself I don;t need this crap.

10pm and he's not "had time" all day to call me for five slipping minutes. N ice guy or not, he's a shit boyfriend and would no doubt be a shit husband.

I never understand why these people chase you if they don't want to catch you.

You're game playing. Sorry. It's so unfair to set someone an ultimatum - call me by xx time - but he doesn't know there's a deadline.

FWIW I HATE talking on the phone.

Why don't you call him, he's obv at a loose end if he has time to text.

But I also think feeling so insecure at this early stage isn't good.

I don't think your being needy at all OP and I wouldn't be impressed with that text either. Have you replied?

It's funny, I always thought if someone was a lovely guy they'd be a lovely boyfriend. But our experiences show that's obviously not true.

My previous boyfriend wasn't quite as "nice" in some ways - but he was actually a much better boyfriend in terms of keeping in touch and making me feel a priority.

I guess every relationship teaches us something ... but it's so upsetting when something you thought could be so good doesn't work out.

Is it worth having one final, totally frank talk with him, or do you really think there's no hope now?