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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
flightywoman · 01/01/2015 19:10

So, you see you calling him as pestering, but him calling you as a relationship essential? That's quite confusing.

Maybe he doesn't want to pester you?

This isn't some ridiculous game. If you want to talk to him you need to phone him.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:10

To be honest, I was posting this because I was thinking that he didnt "have time" to talk to me once over christmas, he didn't have the battery to talk to me on new year's eve (and would not have called at all if I hadn't specifically asked him to) and I have a feeling that even though he said he would call today and have a ong chat the day is nearing an end and I don't think he will.

I just feel like regardless of how great things are when we are together, he is making me feel bad when we're not and not making me feel like I am a priority for him.

I was going to end the relationship if he doesn't call today. I texted a few hours ago to remind him and ask him what time was a good time and he never even replied. Now he "has time" to post incessantly on facebook but none to call me and I am starting to feel like he's taking the piss to be honest.

If some here say their DPs are the same then maybe it might hold me back from doing something I regret.

I have tried talking to him about this....so he knows it makes me feel unimportant. His attitude overall was that I was being selfish and not appreciating how busy and stressful his life was.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 01/01/2015 19:12

This isn't some ridiculous game. If you want to talk to him you need to phone him

If, by calling him, you piss him off, then the relationship sounds a bit doomed to me.

And I agree with lotsofcheese.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:12

If I was the one who was busy and had told a boyfriend I would call when I had time and he then called me, I'd see that as pestering.

I don't call him because I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 01/01/2015 19:13

It sounds like there is a reason he is single...

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:13

We have had the 5 year chat by the way. He's talked marriage, children, baby names, his long term career plan to change his hours. He took my comments on his job seriously and knows it would have to change in the long term and when we talk like adults he says all the right things.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:14

It sounds like there is a reason he is single...

I was wondering that! Never married or been engaged and maybe he's just not very good at all this?

OP posts:
christmaspies · 01/01/2015 19:19

My dh has never 'checked in' every day even before we were married. I think you should phone him if you want to hear his voice. Maybe he thinks you aren't really 'into' him.

bigTillyMint · 01/01/2015 19:20

It sounds like he prioritises work and doing his own thing above a relationship.

If he does still want to be with you, I think he needs to make some changes immediately, so that you can see that he really is serious about this being long-term.

FWIW, I didn't talk about marriage and children with DH until we had been together for a couple of years. We didn't talk about baby names till I was pregnantGrin

Malabrigo · 01/01/2015 19:21

So just to be clear, you played hard to get at the start (in his eyes) and he is now playing hard to get in your eyes?
There's your answer. He's at home with family and possibly old friends if it's his home town. he's catching up and also enjoying some much needed downtime. You turned down his invitation to NYE when he probably wanted to show his mates his hot new girlfriend. He's got other priorities at the mo.
Wait til the festivities are over and it's back to normal at work etc and reappraise then. Don't risk looking like a stroppy drama queen for thr sake of a couple of weeks of distance.

FamiliesShareGerms · 01/01/2015 19:21

He genuinely sounds like he's not great on the phone - DH is like this, if he's away for work we don't always talk every day

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:24

Malabrigo

No, he behaves the same now as he did from day one. It's just that before it obviously didn't bother me that he never phoned because I never wanted him to. I didn't play hard to get, I just didn't want to go out with him!

I also invited him to my NYE and he turned that down, so why should I give up my family and friends over his? I'm not selfish but we're not yet in that place.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/01/2015 19:24

just call him if you want to speak. Don't play games

you weren't into him as much, now you are, so youre worried hes not chasing you enough.

Woman up! Call him more often, and see how that goes

Malabrigo · 01/01/2015 19:28

If you're not yet in the place where you make NYE plans together then what the hell are you doing talking marriage, babies and career changes?

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:30

I'm 35, so I don't invest 6 months into anyone unless I know they want the same things.

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/01/2015 19:33

I suppose as a 'non caller' myself I just don't see time talking on the telephone as essential to maintaining a relationship. It certainly didn't hinder DH and I (literally never spoke on the phone). Time spend together when possible is much more important and it sounds like you have that. However I do think it's rude for him to say he'll call then not, maybe you should just talk to him about it? When you next see him say something like 'when you say you'll call then don't it makes me feel bad. I don't want to come across as needy so let me know now if you'd rather not talk on the telephone and we can work round it'. Things are also fairly manic around Xmas/new year, you might find you are less worried about this when 'normality' resumes.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 01/01/2015 19:36

This proves that modern technology is sometimes of not great assistance with fledging romances.

OP calm down dear. He has contacted you at NYE to tell you how he feels about you, he tried to make plans with you for the evening. He obviously likes you, but why on earth shouldn't he be posting on FB and going on living his life rather than contacting you every 5 minutes. If he doesn't phone you tonight, then that might be a different matter.

Original poster
jessmay · 01/01/2015 19:42

Thanks all, but I do think that some of my words are being a bit twisted.

He can post on Facebook all he likes but it's shitty if he spend an hour doing that and then says he had no time to call me.

I'm not expecting all his time and attention, just some of it.

If He doesn't phone me tonight, we are going to have real problems.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 01/01/2015 19:43

Another one whose not mad into the telephone.

I don't skype either. I prefer face-to-face.

Ceejay14 · 01/01/2015 19:43

I think some people just aren't good on the phone. DH and I rarely call each other even if I am away for work for a week... We chat via whatsapp or text instead. I wouldn't be that surprised (or upset) if he said he'd call and then didn't. I'd know he's got caught up doing something and I'd call him if I wanted to chat.
I asked him once when we first started dating why he didn't call and he said he doesn't like chatting on the phone. I know he thinks about me if we are apart, so the lack of calls doesn't bother me.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/01/2015 19:47

Just tell him OP! I can't believe you're saying you'll finish it if he doesn't call tonight when you haven't even spoken to him about the fact that it upsets you when he says he'll call and doesn't. It's probably something that just hasn't entered his head. Talk to him!!

Ikeameatballs · 01/01/2015 19:47

I've been off an on with someone like this since May. Split up on Xmas Eve because of it but are going away for the night on Sat Confused.

The circumstances are different but the dilemma is the same, how much of a priority are we for each other? I've made myself very clear about my expectations and am happy to walk away for good if they are not met. I think you probably need to think about what you want from him and then have a very frank discussion.

Malabrigo · 01/01/2015 19:50

You like him and that is making you feel emotionally vulnerable and that was ok when you thought he was more into you than you were into him, but now you love him so you are feeling vulnerable and thus you are hyper sensitive to any possible slight.

lotsofcheese · 01/01/2015 19:54

I think OP is feeling insecure in the relationship because she has a BF who prioritises work & buggering about on FB above her. Because she's having to ask for "scraps" of his time & energy.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 19:57

I'm 35, so I don't invest 6 months into anyone unless I know they want the same things.

But you just said;

We've been dating six months, but the first three I was completely not into him at all and he had to push for each date.

Confused

Who is playing games exactly? Both, I think.