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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
Daisychain5 · 04/01/2015 00:22

*reading

BlueBrightBlue · 04/01/2015 00:32

OP, you seem to be walking on eggshells.
Like the previous poster said, this is really frustrating.
We all know there is no magic solution we can offer but please take heed of what some of the posters have written.
Send him a sodding text; he thought it ok to call you at 3 am.
If you really don't appreciate what the posters have suggested I think you are wasting your ( and our) time on this thread.
He really, really doesn't want you, either send the text tonight or just block him.
I think one or both of you must be getting something out of all this angst or it wouldn't have dragged on pitifully for a whole 6 months.
If you are wanting to invest in psychobabble can I suggest there is an element of co dependency going on here.
Sorry for the rant, I'm frustrated.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/01/2015 00:38

It's really unfair to say if I don't do what you say I don't appreciate the advice or opinions you have given. That's not true at all, I appreciate them very much and have used them to come to my decision and get clarity that I wasn't being needy and that he was being a knob and might well be not that into me which was the question I asked.

But I really do have to decide for myself how to end my own relationship.

To you all this is a person who is just a knob for not phoning me, but to me he's been the closest person to me for 6 months and has been there for me when I really needed someone so irrespective of not phoning me I care about this person and want to handle it in a way that I feel is right for me.

I know that for you this is 24 hours of thread but for me it's my life. I have taken absolutely everyone's opinion on board from both sides and I don't think I am creating angst. I just asked a question and am really grateful so many people answered.

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 04/01/2015 00:44

Good luck op. I hope you reach a choice which makes you happy, because at the end of the day that's what you deserve!

BlueBrightBlue · 04/01/2015 00:57

It's bloody heart-breaking when a relationship comes to an end.
OP I know I sound brutal but you must realise that you have deeper feelings for this man than he does for you.
You are not a play thing to be picked up and put down whenever he choses to do so.
Call, text, write to him; whatever but do yourself a favour and do something that satisfies your needs.
FWIW my perception of him has changed re. the " I nearly drove to your place".
He is creating a drama, because he can, and for whatever reason this is satisfying something in his psyche.
You don't need cyber man, you have but a few short fertile years to meet a decent bloke and I can assure you there of a lot of really lovely men out there who are eager to meet a nice uncomplicated women to love and cherish and make babies.

MiniTheMinx · 04/01/2015 00:59

I don't usually talk much about my own experiences but for once...

I met DP 16 years ago and I had just finished a LTR. I was in pieces and I needed to move house, bin phone, pager (yes it was that long ago!) told my friends to keep quiet and changed jobs. I had to because the guy I had been with would find me and I didn't want finding. DP helped me, held me up, carried my boxes, settled me in and he made himself at home. I was weak and grateful.

Within a very short time it became clear that DP had an issue with being asked or told anything. He hates all forms of authority. He doesn't appear to listen, he appears to ignore. I asked him for over ten years not to do the washing. Seems a small thing but my sweaters were even smaller having been boiled. I felt diminished, undermined and for a long time I felt I was losing my self-esteem completely. However, he is kind, generous, works hard, supports me in everything I choose to do and is great with the dc. He apologises repeatedly and swears he has no idea why he can't remember what I have said. He basically blags a lot of it, struggles with emotions, and bumbles along. He is eccentric and frustrating, possibly aspie and very irritating at times.

But I am still here. After 16 years I am fine. It took me a long time to just simply accept all of his flaws and appreciate him for who he is. He has got better and he tells me its because I make him feel confident and loved. The more I seem to appreciate him, the more effort he makes to make me happy.

Just talk to the guy. So what if you tell him you love him and he is a knob, or in a weeks time you decide it still isn't working, the phone doesn't ring or he isn't listening, then walk. But it maybe that there is more to it and his inability to hear you and respond, is just the start of him dictating terms. Or perhaps he is like someone I know and you have to decide if the positives outweigh the faults. No one is ever going to be perfect.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/01/2015 01:37

I don't like it when these LTB threads become a mob of women getting all shirty because the OP hasn't yet ditched whatever errant twunt we've all been analysing to death.

When we give advice, we must remember we are literally giving it, giving it away, yuh? {adjusts glasses, strokes polo-neck} It then belongs to the OP, who is free to take it or discard it, mmm? Wink

Jess, do whatever you want. I thought you were being needy about this to start with, but his "I nearly visited you! But then, er, didn't" text sounded like molten bullshit to me. Sorry. I think your instincts are right - he's really being weird about the phone now. Really odd.

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 01:43

{adjusts glasses, strokes polo-neck}

molten bullshit

Nicked! Grin Thanks.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/01/2015 01:48

:)

Chandon · 04/01/2015 08:31

I really dislike the baying mob mentality on here.

He sounds a nice guy

SecretLocker · 04/01/2015 08:46

Next time you receive any kind of text from him, call him immediately. If he doesn't answer, or return your call in a reasonable amount of time, this would be a huge indicator of how important you are to him.

kwerty · 04/01/2015 09:09

Could he still be on the previous page of the relationship? The one where you don't really want him and he is wanting to keep your interest?
You must do what you think best; I would love to know how he responds.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2015 09:55

If this guy were really into you and you got cold feet, then there's a point to ending it face to face. But in this circumstance you're not actually dumping him just having a conversation to confirm it's over. You're angsting over ending something the right way, that he has been ending himself anyway and waiting for you to take the hint.

I understand that you don't want to end it by text, so I would text him and arrange to speak to him on the phone, although obviously he may not actually call as per Christmas Day. You may end up doing it by text simply because thats the only way of getting hold of him.

Take your time to do what feels right, but I would stop worrying and analysing at this point. Whatever support he gave you in the past, now he's clearly not bothered.

Roussette · 04/01/2015 10:00

Hang on hang on...

Sometimes I despair of the LTB mentality on MN. This is someone's life we are talking about and we are hearing one side of the story.

Firstly this from you Jess I don't really see him as the manipulative / game playing type and in honesty I think it's me who has messed him about for six months rather than vice versa and I am feeling a bit defensive of him because he really has been a rock to me and he's not a horrible person.
Surely this is the crux of the matter? Jess has admitted she hasn't been totally there with him in this relationship especially at the beginning and if I were him, I would be putting up a layer of armour to protect myself in case she went a bit flaky again. If we substituted the 'him' for 'her', we would all be saying to a male poster, give her time.

Also, this from brightblue and others OP I know I sound brutal but you must realise that you have deeper feelings for this man than he does for you.

I don't agree. I think it is possible that he is more keen than Jess but for the reasons above (protective shell) he is holding back. Forget the bleedin' phone calls, it's not what matters at the moment - what it signifies may matter but Jess won't know until she talks to him.

Minitheminx are we married to the same man, the third para of your post made me do a double take. You have described my DH to the letter, down to the possible aspergers. He just cannot remember things, his communication skills are particularly bad (as I said in a PP) My DH is a bumbler along too and apologises all the time for forgetting things. However, I could see in him something that was right and good, same values, huge brain, clever, kind man etc. He supports me wholeheartedly in all I do, and so bloody what that he doesn't pick up the phone.... he has a fear of speaking on the phone I think, so I do the talking for him Grin The DCs absolutely adore him and he is a wonderful husband and father despite his irritations and yes the more I give to him, I get it back by the bucketload.

Whatever you do Jess, do it in a slow and measured way. Don't send a text overnight finishing it - how many times have we called men bastards for doing that sort of thing? Just talk to him from the heart and see what happens.

Roussette · 04/01/2015 10:07

And this from you Jess I doubt he even knows I care enough about him for him to have any effect on me at all, I think he thinks I still love my ex and I think he thinks he is a rebound to me. More reason for him to have a bit of a protective shell round him. You both need to talk.

Welliesandpyjamas · 04/01/2015 10:11

Agree with Roussette

Twinklestein · 04/01/2015 10:11

Well I rather despair of the mentality of women who persist in when the signposts clearly indicate he's not that into you. This is not true of the OP, she has read the signs and understood them, but other posters persist in polishing their rose-coloured spectacles yet still can't see the wood for the trees.

If you want to compromise on a man who can't communicate, remember anything or use a telephone that's up to you, the OP is clearly not someone who would or could so it's irrelevant.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2015 10:13

^ in

hollyisalovelyname · 04/01/2015 10:17

Some years back the journalist Shane Watson wrote a piece in the Sunday Times ( probably Style magazine) about when to tell if 'He's Just Not That Into You' - it was BRILLIANT.
I didn't cut it out to keep and now can't access it.
Any ideas how it could be accessed online please.
Thanks in advance.

Roussette · 04/01/2015 10:31

I am just saying Twinkle she should talk to him - surely she has nothing to lose in doing that? The signs he isn't into her might be crystal clear to you, but I am putting the other side of the coin as they aren't so clear to me. Who knows which of us is right? Hopefully Jess will find out and take the necessary action whatever that might be. Jess sounds rational and thoughtful and this isn't a thread where the man is a complete and utter bastard.

FWIW I'm not really the sort to compromise but I am so glad I did as I have learnt that marriage is all about compromise, and I am certainly not perfect Grin.

LividofLondon · 04/01/2015 10:38

Jess I've been following this thread from the start but haven't added to it until now. Wading through all the little details and analysing (what a mind fuck it all is!), what strikes me is that the big problem here is communication, pride and game-playing...from you as much as him. Jess, just swallow your pride, stop waiting for him, take control and just phone him. I bet you'll feel so much better for it because even if after chatting with him you decide it's over, at least so is all this angst.

What I would suggest is making a list of the points you want to discuss (this helps when you have something difficult that needs addressing) and be prepared to leave a voice mail, with how you feel and what you want from him, if he doesn't pick up. If calling is too difficult, then could you email? Forget texting, it's an utter shite form of communication. Take control.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/01/2015 10:42

I agree with you Livid. Overnight decided to do that anyway. Will do it today. I just need to get some privacy as I'm staying at my Mum's little house and there's people in every room!

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/01/2015 10:44

Good luck jess Flowers

Original poster
jessmay · 04/01/2015 10:47

Thanks Rousette. He says he'll be home about 9. No point trying to talk to him unles he's home and have privacy too.

OP posts:
LividofLondon · 04/01/2015 10:53

Good stuff Jess. I've been through similar and felt so much better when I decided to stop trying to second guess what was going on with him and took the bull by the horns. If it's all a horrible misunderstanding and it works out, great. If it's not and you're not meant to be a couple then you know and the angst stops. Great. It's win winSmile