Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

hollyisalovelyname have you checked journalisted.com? I found a list of loads of Shane Watson articles, is it here?
journalisted.com/shane-watson?allarticles=yes

wait! I found it. holly Here you go:

www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/style/article242967.ece

OP, I have been a lurker on your thread and can relate to everything you are going through.

I've been seeing my BF for well over a year. Like yours he has a very busy job and I accepted this. The night before xmas eve, he surprised me with hotel night away, champagne, chocolates, flowers etc. Even surprised my dd with a xmas gift. He made me feel very special.

I have not heard a word from him since, despite me calling and texting. I took the advice BlueBrightBlue gave you "I wish you every success for 2015, sorry things did not work out between us" etc (Thank you BBB). I have blocked him on social media, phone, viber etc. A weight has been lifted.

Like you, I've had terrible relationships in the past and I knew I had to put a stop to this. The angst I was going through over xmas wasn't nice. I am hurt, with that empty feeling and don't feel like I'll meet anyone again...the usual stuff you go through, but I'll get over it. Onwards and upwards

Only you, can decide what to do - it's your life.

Good luck Jess! I am rooting for you. Listen to your heart but also listen to HIM. My husband and I have had a similar history to you and we worked it out in the end, still together 11 years later.

For what it is worth, I hate talking on the phone and have no need whatsoever to constantly "check in". My dh does and it is one of the many areas where we are mismatched.

Have as open and honest a chat with your guy without accusing him that you can. Then make your call.

Working in the city can be soul destroying and all consuming. I can relate to this, it can mess with your head and you often find yourself under unbearable pressure.

Oh and for the record, you dont owe anyone here anything. You are quite right that this is your life. You do not have a responsibility to update or act in a certain way just because someone has "invested time to advice". That is absurd. We are all adults on here and responsible for how we invest our time on threads. Unless you are a troll, you do not need to justify your actions/thoughts and feelings.

To frustrated ladies I believe it would be in good taste to quitely leave the thread and do something more productive with your time. Surely, it is unacceptable and unreasonable to harress an OP because she doesnt act in line with your advice.

Shame the article isn't visible without a Times subscription. I presume what Shane suggests is that you spend all your efforts trying to make things work with these guys, you never have the opportunity to look at him objectively to see if he is actually someone you would want to be married to.

Another one here who's been following the thread and rooting for you. Some posters have been a bit unnecessarily aggressive to the op.

newhorizon Aren't you worried your BF might have had an accident or something? It seems very weird to go from xmas presents to your DD, to nothing. Are you sure he's ok? I think it that situation I'd be feeling more like something had happened to him than he'd just forgotten me.

I'll update, but please don't jump down my throat.

Well we did speak, I called him, and he explained a fair bit.

He said first of all that he's been genuinely very busy and sleeping only 3 - 4 hours a night and getting no time off and struggling to respond to texts and messages from lots of friends and family and that there has even been a day where he went to work at 6am and didn't get home until lunch the next day.

He said he is very stressed at work and he said those times he didn't call he was in his parents house with nieces and nephews and all sorts going on and that he didn't realise how important it was to me because he didn't realise he was that important to me that he had the power to genuinely upset me.

He said if we ever got to the point of being a "proper couple" as he sees it then he would call me every day, especially at Christmas, and that I would always be his priority but that it was me and not him who created a situation where our relationship was more casual.

He said that was what I wanted before, and if it's changed I can't just demand he changes to suit me.

He said he is confused since I started being more "full on" with him because he is not sure if it is real or not, temporary or not and if he can invest himself fully with me because he says I have not been consistent and he finds it hard not to feel he is second best to my ex and filling some sort of gap like a human band-aid.

He also said if I want to talk to him, I should just call him, because he is rubbish at phonecalls and he admits to being flaky, easily distracted and prone to mucking around on the internet to chill out but that it doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to me.

He says I made him angry before because he felt I was attacking him over something small and making him out to be the bad guy when it was me who wnated to go away, and he says I am also cold via texts and he doesn't know what to make of me.

He says he is in love with me, and can't picture wanting a future with anyone else but he says he also knows his life is a mess, his job is a nightmare and he is aware that this isn't the life I want and he's been trying to think carefully about whether he can deliver what he thinks I need and deserve with his present lifestyle.

He said if I wanted, we could talk more honestly, but he said he does find it very hard to express what he feels and I shouldn't get angry because that's who he is. He did also say he has booked two weeks off in March and if I wanted to, we could spend that time together but he did make it clear to me that I have kind of ballsed it up and that me not wanting Christmas together was, for him, a sign that things were not going to work.

He said he was deeply hurt by the constant rejection and he'd come to terms with the fact he was wasting his time and he says the sudden flip in me has been confusing.

He says I have to think very carefully about whether or not I really do love him and want him and want a future, because he does not want to invest his emotions any further if I don't.

So anyway, I know none of that is the fairytale answer but I do see all of his points and I do think I genuinely need to think long and hard about how I really do feel.

Thanks for you concern whatsgoingon, the thought had crossed my mind, but he too has been on FB, viber etc, so I know he's fine. I'm way down his list of priorities and not where I want to be. Time to move on

He sounds mean in that post, he was very nice, talking very softly and was genuinely surprised I was upset.

At least you spoke jess and cleared the air. I hope things work out for you.

No, you didn't sound mean.

Well, you finally spoke with your actual voices, and said real stuff! Hurrah

I won't ask you how you're feeling now, because the answer's liable to change several times - your emotions must be all over the place. I hope this doesn't take too long to shake down into something worth having, with or without him.

And if it's all right, and no one minds, I would like to ask how you know for what you feel about someone. And can you love someone and be suited to them and still have mixed feelings at the start?

I mean, I feel happy when he's around me and get excited to see him and want to tell him everything and feel like he's the closest person to me, and I do fancy him and I love the way he sees things and some of the things he says makes me see thins diferrently and he challenges me and that's all good.

BUT, I don't want to rip his clothes of constantly, and I have never met anyone more infuriating. He drives me insane sometimes, completely up the wall and there are things that annoy me or that would need to change.

My ex was perfect in my eyes, nothing about him annoyed me, we NEVER argued, he understood me (or said he did) without me having to even talk, he just always said and did the exact thing to make me feel good at the moment I needed it. In the 5 years we were together I'd never once have had to chat to a mate or post on Mumsnet to try and figure him out.

He turned out to be a complete lying, cheating, scumbag bastard though, and really didn't care about me at all so I am confused over how you make these decisions a bit

glad you spoke and you feel better!

but [red flag] he told you you were cold?

I had an x tell me I was cold! I had got up at 6am to prepare the vegan meal he was going to eat later, then i dropped the children to school went to work came home supervised homework fed kids tidied house showered dressed and he came over with his hands swinging... we had a lovely night and we had sex twice but when I asked him to leave at 2am, he told me I was 'cold'.

Just beware. 'you are cold' can sometimes mean 'give me more'. hopefully not, but, you don't seem at all cold.

jessmay, the worst breakup I ever had was like that, it felt perfect when we were together but I was destroyed after he dumped me. It is so hard to figure it out. my vulnerability after that episode made me attractive to a selfish user. I wish I'd taken time out on my own, not rushed in to another relationship. what i needed to do was figure my self out!

you don't have to figure out a man. I think you can become certain enough in yourself over time, wrt what you want, what matters to you, what doesn't matter, chemistry V practicality & values, what you believe! what compromises feel like a step too far for you. in the end............... you don't need to come to mumsnet. You just know if it's worth it to you or not.

I read back the texts and I was cold.

Well done Jess. I think being able to recognise that mixed messages can come from both of you is important. As Gallic says, I hope it works out for you with or without him.

I actually think part of this is mis-communication and when you actually get together face to face, it will either turn into the most honest, wonderful relationship, or you will both decide that you want different things and amicably split. I also think misunderstanding each other is prevelant. You are wary because of your ex, and that gives him mixed messages as to how you feel, so he is cautious too. Hurrah that you have had a long honest conversation.

to be honest, I think I might have blown it anyway. I think he's just not going to invest properly in me because I was pretty awful to him for so long. I might just try and take a step back and ask if we could start again or something and try and figure it out with a fresh slate. I need to think, I'm confused myself now. Someone posted earlier that maybe I was looking for an excuse to walk away and maybe that is true. I'm almost looking for men t turn out to be arseholes a bit now and maybe that means I need more time. I'm observant of being 35 though and don't want to toss a good one back.

ok, but cut yourself some slack for being cold. You were thinking that the relationship wasn't right for you. How do you deliver that message with warmth?

What I meant in my last post was that it is possible to fix that internal barometer so that you just FEEL it, this is worth it even though blah blah {fill in as applicable}. Or bleep bleep, this is not right or not worth it. And I think that certainty doesn't come from analysing individual men. It comes from looking inwards at how your own experiences have effected you and building from there. Sorry if that sounds really L.A.

I don't think you're looking for men to be assholes! I think you're looking for it feel real, to feel easy, mutual, synergistic
It was like you were in different time zones with this guy. It was great when you were together but it was like pushing water uphill when you weren't together and who's fault it was is not the point so don't berate yourself. It should have been easier.

ps, I have been on the thread since th ebeginning i just name change frequently.

Thanks Junglen. I'll try and find my gut instinct and feeling on it. Having had that conversation with him I think I'd rather just work out exactly what I want and feel and tell him. If he then doesn't want the same at least I was honest.

Well done jess, sounds like a very productive conversation!

Jess... you say your ex was perfect in your eyes yet he was a lying scumbag. That's no perfection, that's someone who just does and says the right things at the right time. He had no substance did he, it was all smoke and mirrors. Does this guy have substance, despite his imperfections?

seems to me that your gut is working fine, it's just your head needs to believe it has the right to answer to your instinct!!