Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

Just a very quiet reminder - this is the man who called you selfish for wanting to talk.

The mixed messages are not coming from you.

My answer to your post about how to be sure of your feelings is the length of a short book! Stick with the counselling; turn it towards your attachment patterns & schema, if that's where you want to go.

Now that's progress!

But keep communicating with. I'm honestly!

Tell him you appreciate his honesty and that you need time to process what he's said so u can sort what you feel too! Don't shut him out because he may not wait for u either

Yes he does. He says things to me I need to hear, like "cruel to be kind" and he gets me moving and makes me want to kick ass and achieve things, whereas my ex sort of made me feel like being his baby. I felt like me and my ex were "one person". It flt at the time like the greatest, deepest sort of love but he was not a good person. He acted / said / did everything I wanted but he had flashes in his eyes sometimes that gave the game away. The new guy is really sweet with kids. He's super tall and he loves kids. I suppose my ex left me a bit confused how to judge ANY character because he was such a bag of shit and I swear to God I thought he was the greatest person alive becaue he pretended to be. I think he was a narc or a sociopath.

You haven't blown it you're just not suited to each other: you know it, he knows it.

he did make it clear to me that I have kind of ballsed it up and that me not wanting Christmas together was, for him, a sign that things were not going to work

You haven't ballsed it up, it's just not working for either of you. Not wanting Christmas together in a 6 month relationship is not on its own a sign that it wouldn't work: if everything were going swimmingly, and you were on the same page, it would make no difference.

There are many other signs this isn't working. He even says himself 'he'd come to terms with the fact he was wasting his time'. That's clearly a general assessment, not prompted by Christmas.

I think he's absolutely right that he is 'filling a gap like a human band-aid'.

The sooner that you both accept that, and move on, the better. You're both nice people, you both tried, it didn't work, you can both walk away with no hard feelings.

Don't underestimate, Jess, the effect someone like your ex can have on you. I went through similar before I met my DH all those years ago, and he was what I would consider a sociopath too (although the word hadn't probably been invented then!) He had me questioning every single thing about myself, my judgement, my character etc.

Twink you really might be right. I am going to take the next 10 days to really think about this. I genuinely don't know and he might be a band-aid. I'd not wan to do that to anyone, but like Rousette says it's really, really hard to be normal and work out what you think or want or feel when you've been screwed around by someone that left you so baffled.

Hi Jess,

NO. I was reffering to your post about wanting to meet someone and have children, can't be that difficult. (sorry not good with pasting & stuff) about 200 posts ago! Wish it was , was my reply.
I am glad you spoke to him. Tho' as others have said , he finds time for Faceache on Xmas day just can't find a quiet corner for a 5 minute phone call.From a personal perspective I am used to doing the calling.
I am all for the letting the relationship flow naturally,if it is becoming hard work after 6 months, what about 6 years?

Time is precious for you, so I wish you all the best and hope you make the right decision for YOU. Too many 'you's, sorry poor grammar.

Take care xx

Jess, throughout your posts I've been trying to read your texts as if I were him on the receiving end, and (sorry not being unkind) but yes I think they could be perceived as being curt/cold and he could equally have been thinking, "she has said she wants to hear my voice, why won't she call me?".

I think he is rightly wary of jumping in head over heels, knowing the state of mind you were in at the start, and is genuinely wondering where everything is going. It sounds as though he is being honest and upfront.

I think you both need to take a weekend off, switch your phones, internet everything OFF and just be with each other, see how you really feel about each other and take it from there.

For what it is worth, you can meet someone and things can grow substantially from a grounded friendship - DH and I started similarly and are about to celebrate 10 wonderful years together, I can't imagine my life with anyone else.

Please keep us updated and hope it all works out. x

Can I ask what his job is?

Jess, I think your own ambivalence about your partner is being reflected in how the relationship is playing out. This is not really about him (whoever he is or whatever he is like in relationship); it's about you.

From what I've read of your posts, I do believe that you derive a lot of meaning and purpose from your partners. No one, for example, can make you do and feel anything, and yet you say that it is your partner who has made you want to achieve.

That's your main issue right there: maybe you don't know what you want quite yet because you're not certain who you are quite yet, as a person, on your own, independent of partnership. Your last relationship was awful; and your current partner helped you in a time of need. Maybe now is the time to help yourself first, and then see what partnership offers you once you've found yourself away from it.

Forgetting the emotional side for a minute - lets get practical. He will be working these insane hours until March??? Do you want to see him rarely/never for the next three months?

His hours are mental. I don't know anyone who only had Xmas and NY day off. Do you really want a bf that you never see? I think that's a perfectly valid reason for finishing with him (if you wanted to). Its like you have all the bad bits of being with someone (missing them, feeling vulnerable sometimes, not being free to meet anyone else!) without any of the good bits (like dates, spending time together, sex, etc).

That'd put me off.

Dont get all hung up on feeling like you've "blown it". Some relationships are impossible NOT to blow, if their ingredients don't add up.

He's in banking / investment but there's a bit more tow in that that because he's involved in management and infrastructure as well. The past six weeks there's been some sort of crisis situation that will apparently return him to more normal hours in the next month. At the moment he gets at best one day a week off and in the past six months there's been 5 or 6 occasions where he has worked all night, come home to sleep for 2 - 3 hours and gone straight back. to me, that's no way to live and it's been a big reason I have resisted proper relationship status.

I agree completely with you, gatewalker. I've been getting the same message from jess's posts. However, I don't know what it's like to be desperate to meet someone to have children with or, really, how much compromise is valid in those circumstances.
I certainly don't think it's remotely wise to pursue relationships in which you feel insecure, especially if you intend to make yourself even more vulnerable by having babies. That's digging your own hole!

Don't suppose you've ever thought of planning your family by yourself, Jess ... ?

The past six weeks there's been some sort of crisis situation ... Sneaking the bonuses past the FSA ...

Hmm..I don't know. Maybe Gallic. I need to really think.

:) "Sit with your feelings", as they say, Jess. You've got another week off, you're all safe at home. Ideal time!

Is it possible he has other relationships? My friends who work in investment/banking are reasonably senoit, have crazy hours but do have time off and most certainly time off at Xmas (if they wish).

He prefers text messages, is hardly around, you met online and his physical presence is scarce. Some research have found that many people will pursue several relationships with people they met online (all at once).

Jessmay - I'm glad you spoke with him.

I don't have any relationship advice for you but do have some insights into the ibanking culture.

I was in IBing and for the 4 years I was there, I found it pretty much impossible to maintain a relationship with anyone who wasnt in ibanking as well. I would cancel dates at the last minute because some crisis came up and I was lucky if i got a day off on the weekend. I was too exhausted to do anything apart from watch TV and catch up on sleep. I finally left and got a job in a more normalish city environment because i realised i simply couldnt have a relationship and a job that consumed my life so much.

In IBing life lurches from one crisis to the next so this is not going to change. As one of my old colleagues put it - you always get the feeling you are running away from a tsunami.

His manic hours are unlikely to change as long as he is in the job. If hes junior (below Director level) then he will have very little control over his time.

Good luck with your decision and I hope things work out for you.

I think it's a bit much to do the whole "I'm a nice guy, let me wipe your tears" bit, hoping to win you over and then start blaming you for "ballsing it up" as soon as you get keen.

This is supposedly what he was waiting for all those months, he knew you were heartbroken and not ready but he pushed for "nice guy friend" status so he'd be in pole position when you felt better.

I'm guessing you'd normally be a little out of his league. Am I right? He's overweight, so the "nice guy" strategy is likely to be in his playbook for getting pretty girls to notice him.

I have been following your thread for the last few days, and I never thought he sounded that nice.

Miming to love songs and leaving love notes is a bit grim.

Particularly when he is now claiming that you weren't in a proper relationship.

I didn't post before because you seemed so smart and to know your own mind and worth and I'm sorry to see you reduced to a confused mess from a combination of his playing you and the usual pro-relationship at any costs crap you get on here.

You've been together a few months and you feel uncertain, confused, and insecure.

You don't have time to waste on pointless, life-sapping drama like this.

Jess glad you spoke to him I still think you both don't quite fit together and should go seperate ways.

Wrt feeling like you want to rip someone's shirt off. I met someone like that in my life at uni and we are still in touch but we cannot be together because of religion (I know but lets not go there) but to this when I even think about him its makes me feel so safe and comfortable and he just gets the person I am faults and all. Its taken ages for me to reconcile that we can never be together and still stay friends with him. So yes I wanted to give you an example that you can feel that way about someone too.

Someone i know was told by the man she had started to see that her texts had "grown cold" The bloke told her by text "i dont know why because ive done nothing wrong"

All she had done was stop sexting and started to talk about other stuff!

I dunno, you can have massive hots for someone who's wrong for you. XH2 was an utter bastard, headfucking rapist but we carried on having incredible sex through our travesty of a marriage and the entire divorce process.

What you want - what everyone should have - is the person who just fits right, with whom you feel more secure not less, with whom you converse easily in satisfying ways, who feels 'effortless' not a challenge, and with whom there is physical chemistry. Loads of people actually have this. It's daft to sell yourself short.

Thanks Mokniker, yes, I do know he has no control over his work situation unless he leaves his job and yes -he frequently has to cancel plans (even my birthday :() and it's a concern to keep in mind that no normal life is possible. I also do know that when he is that tired he does just want to stare into space and flick around on the TV. I did notice he flicks through everything...like some sort of relaxation and I did keep thinking that the more I care about him the harder it is to watch because I want him to be healthy (eat well, sleep well, relax and live life).

Bathtime, yeah, he did use the words specifically that I was a bit out of his league :/ I hope it's not been a game for him, but I don't cast aside any possibilities anymore. It was me, not him, who wasn't wanting a proper relationship though to be entirely fair. I am prone to changing my mind a bit, which is why I usually think, analyse and act slowly.

Lilmiss, yeah, creeping feeling we don't really fit together. I'm still glad I didn't send him a text dumping him in the night though. I'd rather take my time, think it through and have an amicable and fitting split if that's what one or both of us wants.

Yep Gallic, I had the best sex ever with my ex but can see there was little else attached to that. If someone gives ou amazing sex, constant attention and says and does all the right stuff it's sometimes really hard to see that they don't care about you.

My pick-o-meter is in overdrive now and if anything I am guilty of being over critical and looking for problems where there are none. That said I;d rather end up letting a few good ones slip through the net than ending up with another psycho, lying bastard!

That said I'd rather end up letting a few good ones slip through the net than ending up with another psycho, lying bastard!

Yeah, me too. With knobs on

I've been through the mill with my exH with the crazy job in banking - no money is worth the loneliness you will feel in your marriage especially if you are a sharing type with your thoughts/emotions/practical stuff and not relying on hoards og relatives/girlfriends and if you want to have kids who see their father.
The nice guys turn into nervous exhausted wrecks and FLICKING through tv/conversations/your needs, is exactly how they end up reacting as really there is no energy or nervous stamina left in them. Absolutely normal to start at 6am, have bosses swearing at you, deadlines, getting back at 3am next night, or back home at 9-10 but up again at 6am.
I really don't think people appreciate what hell on earth is the banking lifestyle unless you are very senior (takes about 8-10yrs), they bloody deserve all the bonuses as they usually have no lasting personal happiness or much health left (unless the wife is extremely self-sufficient and totally emotionally undemanding).