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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being the OW

152 replies

almamatters · 31/12/2014 17:18

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

OP posts:
FrogIsATwatInASantaHat · 31/12/2014 17:20

You may be 'judged' (inwardly) but I have rarely seen too much of a flaming. However be prepared for some straight talking. Fire away x

LineRunner · 31/12/2014 17:21

Do you want advice on how to end it?

Go no contact. Block him.

LynetteScavo · 31/12/2014 17:22

Then stop now.

It doesn't have to end in tears for her.

And I think you'll like yourself a lot more once you've put a stop to it.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 17:22

There is only one sensible answer. End it. You are causing yourself so much pain and heartache by choosing to continue this. You. Not him. You are in charge of your own choices.

If you won't do that then all you can do is hope you meet like-minded people who want to huddle together and feel sorry for themselves. Don't think mn is the place though.

Justwanttomoveon · 31/12/2014 17:23

Do you want it to end?

arlagirl · 31/12/2014 17:24

Has he fallen for you too?

AuntieStella · 31/12/2014 17:26

"I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing".

Stop doing it.

Joysmum · 31/12/2014 17:34

Stop doing it, if you're that important to him then he will end his relationship so he can be with you.

If he doesn't then you'll have saved yourself lots of heartache anyway.

Justwanttomoveon · 31/12/2014 17:38

Remember he is a cheat, at some point he will do the same to you.

DirtyBlonde · 31/12/2014 17:41

Wild stab in the dark - but are you posting here tonight because he's with his family on NYE and you're alone, and you think talking about him will fill the void?

It won't. You're not happy. You can do better than this.

Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 17:44

Your words perhaps need to be contextualised OP.
The background to the relationships perhaps needs to be explained a little more, if you want more meaningful posts.
And, yes as other posters have said, he is a cheat taking your opening thread at face value. So, are you.
But I sense you want to say more.

BlueBrightBlue · 31/12/2014 17:45

He's made his choice hasn't he?
You're not his top priority; if you were he'd be with you now wouldn't he?

jellycake · 31/12/2014 17:46

Been there, done that, did not end well. What do you want to talk about? I wish I had the strength to call it off early in the day. I was going to move away from the area but he talked me out of it. He cheated on me too - a lot.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 17:50

Is he with your for NYE OP, or is he with his wife?

VitalStollenFix · 31/12/2014 17:53

tbh, what you need to do is to accept that you are making a choice. You are choosing to have an affair with a married man, just as he is choosing to betray his wife with you. Neither of you are helpless victims, compelled to carry out these actions against your will. You each have decided all the things you have done. It is important that you take responsibility for your choices.

If the choices that you have made have not made you feel happy, good about yourself or that you are a good person - make different choices. All that you do is within your control.

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 18:54

To clarify a couple of things, they are not married....I didn't want to "justify it" by acting like that mattered, but perhaps it does?

I am single.

I in no way shape or form think that I am victim, nor do I want sympathy. I am merely someone who has a made some very very wrong choices, that although I regret, I can't shut it off because I want him in my life. Same old story I guess.

Deserttrek to give a bit more context, we work together, have done since March, friends...came out of the blue later in the year, don't really know how it happened, I suppose it's still fairly new, 2 months...still 2 months too long, I know.

There's never been any lying or bullshitting, he doesn't tell me he's going to leave her, he's not going to, not for me. I don't expect to just bowl into his life and be a priority either. Feelings have developed on both sides. I'm not posting because it's new year and he's with his family...to be honest I've wanted to talk it out for a little while but it's been hard knowing that "just stop it" will be the answer, I guess, selfishly, it would be nice for someone to understand that sometimes, feelings develop where they shouldn't and it's tough. I only posted tonight because I made a "confession" on a thread in chat.

I fully blame myself for my actions, I know that they are the fault of no other. I'm torn between my head and my heart and my morals and every other feeling I have.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2014 18:56

What is it about this situation you actually like? The deceit? The lying? The betrayal? Being second best? Being unhappy?

Is the sex really worth all that? Surely you know you can get better elsewhere.

Is HE really worth all that?

Come on. You know and I know, and the rest of mumsnet knows - HE AINT WORTH IT.

Why you put yourself down so much, really - there's a lot of therapy you need to get over it and be good to yourself again.

CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2014 18:58

The lying is to her though - not you.

Seriously, you KNOW what to do and how to fix this.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 18:58

I can't shut it off because I want him in my life

You need to change the word can't to won't and there you have it OP.

So you are choosing this.

So what's the problem?

Genuinely don't get it. You are doing something to yourself that you want. And complaining about it Confused

AuntieStella · 31/12/2014 19:00

You don't like what you see when you look at yourself. So stop doing those things.

Spend tomorrow rewriting your CV.

Start looking for a new job on Monday.

You are not a passenger in your life. You can steer a new course that fits the person you want to be in future.

SacredHeart · 31/12/2014 19:02

If he's not planning to leave her break it off. Why make another woman miserable just because you are.

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 19:03

I'm not doing that fairenuff. To be honest, I'm struggling with my feelings and I asked if there was somewhere more appropriate, that I could merely "talk it out" not complain or get sympathy. To make sense of what I'm doing. I'm not in the most fantastic of places, and whilst I appreciate that some are completely intolerant of those of us who do things we shouldn't sometimes, there are equally people who have been there and done it and can understand how it feels to be on that side of it, I myself have been on the receiving end, so I know how it feels in that perspective but equally now I understand that not all other women are just wankers with no hearts, sometimes they fall for the wrong guy and for whatever reason WONT end it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:05

Not doing what? Confused

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:08

It's not about what you should or shouldn't do. It's not about other women being wankers with no hearts. It's not even about him. It's about you doing something to yourself.

You are making yourself unhappy.

Stop it.