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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Being the OW

152 replies

almamatters · 31/12/2014 17:18

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

OP posts:

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almamatters · 31/12/2014 19:09

I'm not doing something to myself that I want and then complaining about it. I don't see it as that anyway. Oh well. I'll let this thread die I guess, it's not welcome as is clear.

OP posts:

SacredHeart · 31/12/2014 19:09

I can't blame anyone for falling for someone - that's biology, that's spiritual. Love is uncontrollable and makes you feel amazing and I understand anyone wanting to grasp that with both hands

But you made an active choice to allow yourself to become the other woman and hurt someone who did nothing to you. That is pretty much the description of someone heartless and I can't understand that.

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 31/12/2014 19:09

I have little time for this kind of sordid desperate carry on. It is not a special relationship. It's just a sub standard, hidden, grubby bit of attraction. He isn't very interested in you. He doesn't love his partner in a meaningful way. You don't think much of yourself or you would not be doing this. I know I sound like I have little sympathy. It's very simple - some people would not do this and some people think that in the circumstances peculiar to them it is okay. It isn't okay.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:11

I'm not doing something to myself that I want and then complaining about it.

That is exactly what you are doing. You can't see it but others can which is why it is being pointed out to you now.

Only one person can stop this horrible, unhappy life that you are living.

And that is you.

STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:11

Does he have kids?

Greencurtain · 31/12/2014 19:13

Just start a thread asking what you want to ask on here. I think you'll only get a huge flaming if you appear not to care about the implications.

almamatters · 31/12/2014 19:25

Do you think I come across as though I don't care about the implications greencurtain? That's far from the case. I care. I don't know how to switch off my feelings, or follow through with stopping it when the feelings are so strong. I wish I'd just not bothered writing to be honest, not because I don't like the responses but because there really isn't anything anybody can do or say that will help me sort myself out really.

Stbsm - no, he doesn't.

OP posts:

whitsernam · 31/12/2014 19:28

I think the attraction, the love you feel, is at least partly chemical, and our emotions have a way of overwhelming our rational thinking. So if you are disliking yourself because of what you are doing (which is what you say in your post) you have to find that inner strength to overcome the emotions and be rational, and end it. You will actually feel good about yourself eventually for having ended it. If he does end his current relationship and want to be with you, would you want him, knowing he'd already proved to be a cheater? Past actions are the best predictor of future behavior; cheaters cheat.

2015 · 31/12/2014 19:30

Why do you think it will end in tears for you AND for her? Don't you think it will end badly for him too?

I couldn't have an affair. The thought of someone having sex with someone and then having sex mp with me is quite revolting.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:32

I don't know how to switch off my feelings, or follow through with stopping it when the feelings are so strong.

There are lots of ways to do this OP. And if that's what you wanted, you would have got lots of help, advice and support.

But you posted that you didn't want to do that. You didn't want to stop seeing him. You just wanted to remain miserable and find some people to commiserate with.

What do you want. Do you want to be happy or not?

almamatters · 31/12/2014 19:32

Without sounding like a total mug whitsernam, if he ended it with her, I would be cautious (as I would be with anybody) but yes, I would trust him. Maybe that's more fool me. I don't know. I dislike myself because I know it's wrong and I don't want to be doing this to somebody (his gf) I need to end it. I know that.

OP posts:

skildpadden · 31/12/2014 19:34

You'll be made mincemeat here.

I think it's a low self-esteem thing, so that last thing you need to boost your self-esteem is 16 pages of strangers telling you that you're a piece of shit and asking you how you sleep at night etc....

Can you read some books about self-esteem? That really helped me view my self differently after I left an abusive relationship.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 31/12/2014 19:34

//www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

Snappynewyear · 31/12/2014 19:40

Maybe it would help if you pictured the situation in 3,6,9,12 months time and see where you would like to be.

Maybe 2-3 years time too?

Has he said he wants to be shagging two women and lying to one? That's what he's doing so don't dress it up. You can see he is the one having his cake and eating it.

Do you want him to leave the gf.

You need to ask yourself what you want and what he wants.

Noideaatall · 31/12/2014 19:42

People fall in love all the time. Sometimes their situation is ideal, often it's not. That doesn't necessarily make it the wrong thing to do.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:42

There are women who have spent years on the sidelines. Mostly, tbh, when he has said he will leave his wife/partner but never does.

Not sure how you can say you will trust a liar though OP. Surely he is starting from a point of not being trustworthy at all?

WannaBe · 31/12/2014 19:44

Op where do you see this relationship a year from now?

One of the things which makes it harder to end these kinds of encounters is the fact that when you're in the middle of the situation you are living in the here and now, it's exciting here and you're here now. But when you stop and think and you think about yor life, and your goals, and your ambitions and what it is you want, the realisations that it isn't likely to end up going anywhere is what needs to drive you towards ending it now. Do you want to look at your life a year from now and be in the same place? unhappy? wishing you'd never fallen for him? wishing that you were more important to him than you are? Or do you want to see yourself in a happy place, with people who love you, with the confidence to be who you want to be, to love who you want without recrimination?

Think about all of those things, and then think about the steps you need to take to make them happen. Imagine your life where you are not waiting for a text, a call, not wondering what he's doing and who he's with and whether he's having sex with his partner at this very moment. Imagine your life as being fulfilled, free, happy. You don't have to imagine someone else in it for now, but you can imagine how it feels to not feel the guilt.

We don't choose who we fall for, but we do choose how we react to it.

MinceSpy · 31/12/2014 19:47

OP take a long look at yourself, you've made the choice to have a sexual relationship with someone in a long term relationship who openly admits he won't leave his partner for you. Put bluntly is just sex for him and you need to ask yourself why you've chosen someone who isn't available.

Windywinston · 31/12/2014 19:50

OP you're not going to get too many handwringing, "poor you" replies here, you'll get straight-talking advice which, whilst difficult for you to hear, is well intentioned and given in the hope you'll do the right thing. You don't need tea and sympathy, you need the harsh reality of what you're doing to be pointed out to you.

Your man is an absolute cunt (sorry for those of you who don't like swearing). Would you want him anyway if he left his wife? Could you trust him? He's a cliche, you're a cliche. You can tell yourself you didn't do this with malicious intent, but you have, so grow up and take responsibility, you've knowingly slept with a married man, I'm guessing this is not your finest decision in life, but it's a decision you actively made. Put yourself in his wife's position, how would you feel? I bet you haven't always used protection either have you?

You are stopping yourself from finding someone who really loves you. I'd hate to share a man with anyone, why do you accept this (or does he tell you he doesn't have sex with his wife )?

End it, go no contact. If you can't do it for the wife do it for yourself, you're wasting your life on a man who lies and cheats his way through life. Any woman deserves better, including you.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 19:52

Do they have children OP?

AuntieStella · 31/12/2014 19:55

The Baggage Reclaim site might be worth exploring.

Perhaps start with this article then browse on from there.

Never forget you have choices. You do not have to stay in a dynamic that makes you unhappy, and which conflicts with your core beliefs.

professornangnang · 31/12/2014 19:57

My advice is to bin him purely because every second you're with him, you're losing time to find an available guy and have kids, if you want them.

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almamatters · 31/12/2014 19:59

They do not have children. Maybe it's arrogant of whatever of me, but a slight bit of me views their relationship in a teenage fashion, likes it not that serious, I don't know. I can't really explain what I mean.

Windywinston (not that it makes the blindest bit of difference) but they aren't married. Yes, I would want him if he wasn't with her, I could trust him. I realise I am a cliche. I don't like sharing him but no....he doesn't tell me he doesn't have sex with her, or that she doesn't understand him or any of the classics, he tells me he loves her.

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almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:00

Wannabe - thanks for your post.

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almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:01

Professor I have children myself already. This is the problem, I have tried to date other men, and even though there is nothing wrong with them...they aren't him and I go round in circles.

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