Being the OW

[almamatters]

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

[pausingforbreath]

Almamatters

..I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

From your original post .... Just this. You know it will end in tears, so don't do it to yourself,walk away.

My Dh had his affair with a close work colleague , it did all end in very many tears. Not just hers & mine but also his too.
I very much accept it was down to my Dh's 'fault' the affair happened ; but also at the time completely 'lost more respect' for OW as it broke her but she had got into that relationship knowing it would end in tears.

He may not be married, you may not feel that their relationship is a great one - but you do know as fact he had a girlfriend who he says he loves.
When you decided to start a 'relationship' with him based on those facts you also 'told' him you were prepared to be his plaything that he could mess about. That it would 'end in tears'.

I suspect he's more in love with himself than with either of you- getting to play two women, with one of them knowing but still managing to pull it off ; my opinion doesn't matter - but you knowing you're damaging your own worth does, get out now before it does huge damage to you.

[skildpadden]

2015, my post isn't made with the claim that it is anything less than destructive to pursue a relationship before both parties are single but that connection feeling, or intense compatibility, I think that's required to love somebody and when I've felt that, I've felt it instantly. Not anything to do with lust (that came as a result of the connection for me). So I think that idea that you need to spend hours getting to know somebody isn't necessarily true. Also, I think the OP probably has spent 'hours' with him. She knows him. She knows he's a shabby article but that's what she feels :-( she deserves.

[Fairenuff]

Could I ask what has made your mind up to try to end this? Is it the extreme anger and revulsion or the more carefully thought out advice?

I would be interested to know this too Snappy but I don't really think that OP has decided to end it, I think she is just saying what she thinks we want to hear. Otherwise it's a very quick turnaround without any tangible signs of a thought process.

I do think that the seed is sown though and, ultimately, she will either walk away or he will so it will end eventually. It just depends how much OP can take on a day to day basis. There will be support here for her if she decides to come back and get advice.

[skildpadden]

he's not even pretending to be torn.

[iwashappy]

I think his long term girlfriend would very much consider you the OW. She will be devastated if she finds out. What this man is doing to both of you is horrible. He has no reason to stay with her if he doesn't want to. No marriage, no children, no mortgage.

Therefore he clearly thinks he is entitled to have two girlfriends because he can and you are letting him. Don't be that person who is complicit in wrecking some poor womans life. You will dislike yourself even more than you do now.

He is not doing you any good. If by some chance he left her to be with you then he will probably not make you happy. You know that he is a lying cheat. He tells you that he loves her yet he still cheats on her. He will do exactly the same to you. He has no ties to her and could be with you very easily and if he was decent he would have ended it with her first to be with you.

He is really, really not worth your time. What you are doing is horrible too. Find some compassion and self respect. I know you feel guilty and I don't think you sound horrible but you are still doing something that would devastate her. How would you feel if you found out he had someone else on the go too and I wouldn't rule it out neither.

[whatnow2]

I just don't understand how he can profess to love his girlfriend if he is also shagging someone else. Strange definition of love .

[2015]

I don't agree that 'you cant help who you fall in love with'. IN order to fall in love with someone you have to spend time with them, you need to get close and you need to give out 'I interested' vibes and you usually need to see some signs that the other person is interested too.

I suppose some people can fall 'in love' when the other party shows absolutely no interest but I'm sure it's less common. If anyone ever vaguely started flirting with me I made sure I sent out a clear message that I wasn't interested.

You might fall in lust without meaning too but, I think, most people don't fall in love accidentally.

I dont flirt with people and people don't flirt with me as I give out a very strong vibe that I'm very happily married and am not interested.

[AmINeedy]

My ex husband was having an affair, he took her away when he said he was away with friends. I saw he texts to her and they thought they were in love and I was the wicked witch.
As angry as I was with him I thought things through from their side ,
The women thought he was unhappy , they'd met by chance and they started to chat and over weeks, months the affair started for over a year, unknown to me until I found a travel ticket .
She thought he loved her, he thought he loved her, I thought he loved her so I let him go to be with her ..................... He wouldn't go..............................I threw him out................he still wouldn't go to her and he lived in his car at nights...................we got back together but he'd had a taste of affairs and never settled. I divorced him and now I'm the person he texts with undying love while he's remarried.
There's a moral somewhere in this, I'm no one to say anything is right or wrong, love is just that but be carful what you wish for as a married man is not always as dedicated as he seems.
My ex won't change, I'm flattered he still tells me these things but I rest assured he'll never change and that I did the right thing by divorcing him, his soppy regretful texts to me are when he is drunk and feels sorry for himself and the grass always looks greener to him.
Trust your instincts is all I say, married men trip up very easily and though he may be your all, are you really to him?
You deserve happiness xx

[AmINeedy]

We can't help who we fall in love with and when we think a married man falls for us it seems to mean more that they'll risk everything to be with us.this seems to add to everything to confirm what you have must be really special this is where the dilemma starts, the guilt and everything else but it's the hook that draws us closer and we are reeled in and we are caught in a tangled net.

[BastardGoDarkly]

If you feel like this now, after 2 short months, I'd run away, never mind walk, before you end up like some of the older and wiser pps, that wasted years like this.

Good luck op, you're better than this.

[GirlZippy123]

He may be the cheat but you are knowingly and willingly partaking in this behaviour and as such need to accept some of the responsibility. It takes two to do what you are both doing and you clearly recognise the upset and hurt it would cause. Personally I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with the knowledge that my behaviour would cause so much hurt and pain to other people and tear a family apart. You are 50% responsible. And all that hurt and pain for what? You know there is no future in it.

[Snappynewyear]

You came on here asking, not for sympathy or support, but just to discuss your situation.

You have apparently decided to try to walk away from the relationship and be stronger.

Some replies have been positively vitriolic and condemnatory (as expected) but others have been giving more insightful advice about the cons of this affair.

Could I ask what has made your mind up to try to end this? Is it the extreme anger and revulsion or the more carefully thought out advice?

I ask this because it would be interesting to know how women react to other women's advice or condemnation and how it affects their decisions.

[Kab13]

I'm pretty sure in her eyes you are the other woman
Maybe he is just getting it where he can but doesn't mean she knows this, it's highly unlikely.
I actually sympathise with too OP, I don't think you appear arrogant or seeking attention.
You know what you need to do, for yourself more than anyone else.
You're better than this.

[annielostit]

I don't get the 'ow' tag. He's playing both of you. You ladies are just the pawns.
I was once that woman. I stole someone's man!! You can't steal a person what he's doing is all free will as are you.
If you love him say - me or her. He he wants you it'll work.if not walk away.

[Rocket1982]

You're not the cheat- he is. You don't know his girlfriend, so why should you have special responsibility to her? There are plenty of people on the planet who we indirectly treat badly and yet we don't make the effort to change our behavior. HE is responsible for her feelings though, and he's chosen to do something that would upset her. What does that say about him? You might be happy to have some fun in the short term, but don't waste too much of your life on him. Find someone you can build a long term relationship with.

[supersop60]

It's not making you happy, is it? Otherwise, you wouldn't be on here. I've been the OW and it was rubbish - be kind to yourself and walk away.

[GirlZippy123]

People are saying mumsnet is not the place to post this; however, if you want to know the effects of your actions with this man then this is most Definetely the place to post. You say this man will not leave his partner for you so what on earth are you doing? Your relationship has no future and all that can come of it is the destruction of three lives. I have been on both sides - I have been the 'other woman' and the moment I found out I was the OW that was it over for me and I walked away because I knew he would never leave his fiancé for me, so what was the point? I was just being used for sex and no better than a prostitute. On the other side, my partner cheated on me but would he leave me for the OW? No. But our lives were shredded nonetheless. And it is her that ended up worse off. She lost everything and is now a bitter resentful lonely desperate old cow.

[skildpadden]

Alma did you read the article i linked to? Irrelationships . Think it is what u r settling for, a man who makes you feel not good enough / unloved. That is what feels right to you.

[Twinklestein]

OP what is it that you think you'd feel if he chose you?

I think you're stuck in a version of the pick me dance. Believing, I assume, that if he just chose you you would feel validated, happy, fulfilled and victorious.

But would you?

You say you believe he'd be faithful to you but that's just a fantasy. In reality I think you'd feel deflated and insecure - you know how easily he cheats. Next time he cheats it will be on you.

I wonder what your past history is that you've got yourself into a scenario where a man is free to choose you if he wanted but doesn't. There are no moral obligations or family commitments holding this man back, he simply doesn't want to be with you enough to dump the other gf he prefers.

Where is your pride and self worth? Where is your indignation at being so un-valued? Do you really want to waste time in your life being second best, second fiddle?

[babbityann]

Wow Skolastica! Being an 'OW' is not 'messing with your head'?? He reminds you that you a woman! Can I remind you that he's is using you and actually publically committed to another.
Best of luck with finding 'your full time man' , not really sure you have enough self esteem to actually maintain a full time relationship.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I think, if you re-read your op- "I'm ashamed, I dislike myself, feel like I'm going mad"- you'll see that ending it is the best decision for you.

[almamatters]

For those that asked what I'm going to do. I'm going to try and be a stronger person and walk away.

[WildBillfemale]

DaisyChain01 you are missing the point re commitment, the fact is there is nothing binding him to the girlfriend that can't be undone by a single conversation. There is nothing binding in the relationship that requires untangling. They aren't married, they don't have a mortgage, they don't even rent together, they don't have kids together. This relationship can be completely over in the next 5 minutes if he chooses to have that conversation.

[skolastica]

I am an OW - however, it isn't messing with my head as there is no plan or expectation to be with him beyond meeting up once a fortnight or so, as we are both at different stages of our lives. But what I get from it is touch, hugs, sex, someone to talk to. I get reminded that I am a woman and I know that someday soon I have to lift my head up and look for a full time man. Only I'm not ready yet. I see it as keeping my batteries charged and keeping the light in my eyes.