Being the OW

[almamatters]

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

now I understand that not all other women are just wankers with no hearts

Your words. To many, this is exactly what you are, regardless of your own opinion of yourself. Because you are now an ow, ows are suddenly not heartless twunts? Moving your moral goalposts to fit your choices and make them more bearable to you? Tut! Rather than altering your perception to fit your behaviour, maybe you should focus on altering your behaviour back to that of a decent human being.

[almamatters]

I don't feel safer at the ow Creta, because deep down, like a fool, what I WANT is for him to leave her and be with me and I guess, deep down, I know that won't happen and so therefore I am allowing myself to be the bit on the side, so that he's in my life. degrading, really.

[Fairenuff]

Trust doesn't come in percentages OP. You either trust someone or you don't. We usually trust those who have given us no reason not to trust them.

He has given every reason to mistrust him. I really do think you should end it with him now and get some counselling for yourself. It sounds like you might not now what a normal, loving, trusting relationship looks like?

[ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose]

In your posts you have described his relationship with his DP as both teenage like and not that serious (in your eyes) but also so important to him that he will not leave her.

So it does strike me that this places your relationship with him even lower.

Then you say your spent 9 years with a lying cheat. Sounds to me like you have been hurt so badly that this is the best sort of relationship you can expect in life.

It's not. And my advice would be to end it and spend some quality time on yourself, sorting out the damage that has been done.

[DirtyBlonde]

"This thread is merely continuing whilst I answer questions that are being asked"

Can you answer the question about whether he is with his acknowledged primary partner to celebrate the New Year? And are you by yourself?

[ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose]

Been done by the other wanker(s) in your life, I mean (sorry, posted too soon)

By protecting yourself from harm, being involved with an unobtainable man, you are going to hurt others, and yourself, in the long run.

[Spopssas]

This is such a shame for your older self.

One day you will be advising someone the age you currently are, on a board like this, in a similar situation as you are now, only your older, wiser self will be sad and wiser.

It's impossible to make you stop it all for now. So you can only continue with it until the bitter end.

With any luck the experience will enable you to help out any future daughter you have if she finds herself facing the same ages-old dilemma.

He is hateful. You do know that? What a nasty man. What a very nasty man.

Hugs to you. You will probably need them, as the end of the affair is always painful and humiliating whatever happens. For both women.

[almamatters]

Dirty blonde, yes he is with his girlfriend, and friends to the best of my knowledge, I am at home with my children, expecting friends later on. I can honestly say that I'm not sitting here boohooing because he's with her on New Years. It's barely crossed my mind, as I don't celebrate it myself.

[HicDraconis]

Why wouldn't he leave her for you? Have you discussed it?

I agree with you that a one time cheat doesn't mean an always cheat - or even a more than one time. I cheated on two previous long term partners (so yes, part of my anger / animosity is directed at that part of my own behaviour I recognise in yours) - but have not and will never with my current dh (11 years and counting).

My sister has a bf of 5 years or so. They have no children and don't live together. Their relationship is anything but "teenagery" even though it might come across that way to others. It would break her heart if he cheated on her - regardless of marriage / DC, a long term relationship has a sense of permanence that you are destroying.

Whoever this man's gf is, she deserves the right to try and find a relationship with someone who won't cheat on her. I would give him that ultimatum if I were you, do all 3 of you a favour for 2015.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Sneaking around with my mm and most of the contact being when he came round for sex, gave me a very skewed view of relationships and I had to put serious work into my own issues before I could settle in a serious, trusting, equal relationship (16 yrs and 2 kids).
With your past experience and current situation, your lack of faith in relationships will become a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't expect them to last, they won't. If you expect your men to cheat, then they very well might.

[SacredHeart]

spopsass you give this man too much credit. It takes two to tango - both are as nasty and selfish as the other.

The fact you dare to make comment on their relationship and try to belittle it shows you are out for yourself. You don't know what lies he spins to his girlfriend and to act like she is a part of this charade is cruel.

[almamatters]

I haven't tried to belittle their relationship. I am going by what I have seen, we work together, and have done for 9 months, I have seen enough of it with my own two eyes. I haven't acted like she is part of this charade. I am utterly ashamed of myself for what I am doing to her. I take full responsibility and am in no way acting like she is his problem and not mine. Jeez.

[SacredHeart]

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors - I would never be so arrogant as to assess my own parents relationship, let alone a friend of 9 months.

You keep throwing things in to justify yourself. So much words but really, what are you going to do? What is your plan? I see lots of huffs and signings and self flagellation but no real action. I see a martyr

[skildpadden]

ah, almamatters I think you have entered in to an 'irrelationship' to avoid being in the situation like before where trust and fidelity could be expectations. In this relationship such as it is you can't really expect anything so you can't be disappointed on the same scale like you were before.

[skildpadden]

Read these articles on irrelationships and the reason we enter them on psychology today. here, makes interesting reading I think

I've done it myself.

[SacredHeart]

Good old Hazan and Shaver and adult attachment theory!

[skildpadden]

Can't say if there's anything in it in the OP's case, but I was dumped by somebody I loved (a long, long time ago) and I was so devastated that the next relationship I had was an irrelationship. I didn't know that that was what it was called but I knew I didn't love him, I just knew it looked good from the outside looking in if that makes sense. But then he turned out to be controlling and abusive, so I still had no control over the situation.

OP, if any of this strikes a chord, read running on empty &, a woman in your own right by anne dickson. If it doesn't strike a chord with you then ignore my posts.

[Snappynewyear]

I suppose you have no choice really if you are so deep in the dream of him leaving her and being with you. Yet you understand that although you feel that you are perfect for each other (more so than the gf) he has been honest and said he is staying with the gf, so clearly he isn't on the same page as you with that feeling

You must see this and know it won't end well for you and that somewhere down the line you will be let down, but you accept that and hope he changes his mind?

The gfs position clearly is something you have blinkers on about and in fact the whole relationship seems very blinkered, but it's how being 'in love' makes fools of us all. Love involves trust, commitment, honesty and usually a degree of permanency.

Try giving yourself 6 months of this relationship to see if he commits to you or whether it is more of the same. You will get an idea of the difficulties of being the 'in love' OW. Not seeing him. Missed phone calls. Special times spent alone. Seeing other couples and knowing your relationship is going nowhere. Maybe then you will see its a road to nowhere and end it and hopefully the gf needs never know until he cheats again with some OW

[UptheAnty]

I have no sympathy for you but I am completely astonished at your self serving arrogance.

It's your dc I feel sorry for.

[fuctifino]

Does his girlfriend work with the two of you as well?

[VikingVolva]

"we work together,"

This must change. I hope recruitment is buoyant in your sector. Start job hunting now.

"I am utterly ashamed of myself for what I am doing ... I take full responsibility"

And only you have the full responsibility to change it by eliminating a person who is harming you from your life. You are abandoning your core beliefs and morals - important things that make you you - and this wil, lead only to deeper and deeper misery. You are already unhappy.

[mix56]

I would tell him to choose, if he chooses you, well Great, clearly you are in love with him, & he may love you too, but not enough to break up with GF
I think you know the answer, I think you know it's going nowhere.
You just have to accept that you will be hurting for a while.
Move on, he is not available

[daisychain01]

Maybe it's how you are wording your posts, OP but it sounds to me like you haven't had any "let's cut to the chase" honest conversation with this guy.

In other words you can't face the reality of no real future and you are probably both drifting on, avoiding the issue, neither of you calling time on things. What a waste of your time. He's sitting pretty with his iron in two fires.

I'm intrigued by you having opportunities to do 'mundane' things. What is his poor unsuspecting GF doing when that's going on?

[Spickle]

Saw this recently and thought it sums up quite well what a relationship should be like. Ask yourself honestly how much effort your bf puts in to the relationship with you and you will have an inkling as to the eventual outcome. If you know deep down he is more of the "excuses" type man, you could be wasting years of your life not achieving what you want.

When you actually date a "good" man, you'll get the "Don't worry babe, I got it", "Let's go... Let's do it.... I planned this for us", "I got you a gift just because". A "bad" man will say, instead, "Sorry, I forgot, I can't make it, not today", "You didn't text me first", "I was busy", "Sorry for not texting you all day".

[almamatters]

Uptheanty - I have categorically said I am not seeking sympathy? I also fail to see my arrogance! I am aware the situation is wrong, I am not proud, rightly or wrongly I am hurting (and I do not think that my hurting is above hers, I realise the only victim in this is her), I am aware that is nobody's fault but my own and I am equally aware that it is down to me and me alone to put an end to this, I am unsure as to why this is so difficult to comprehend, I am struggling because I feel for him in a way I never thought I would, if I didn't, I wouldn't have got involved to begin with. I feel I have been less than arrogant because I have not tried to justify my actions - there is no justification, I haven't gone in to my back story, the struggles I'm facing, the bigger picture that I am sure there is because the long and short of it is that I am doing something that is wrong, and my sense of morality and self respect is all but lost in a cloud of stupid feelings that I can't shut off.

Fuctifino - no, she does not. I am aware I know nothing in terms of the reality of their relationship, only what I see and hear whilst at work etc. He never talks negatively of her, nor does he justify his actions.

He doesn't love me, I know he doesn't. I know he won't choose me, and that's why I can't let it go. I have said in a previous post that selfishly, the need for him to be in my life right now seems to out weigh what's right and wrong and I wish that was different in my head.

Daisy chain - He knows how I feel. He knows I'm finding the situation difficult, I have tried to end it in one occasion, he was accepting, understanding, and simply said if that's the way it must be then fine, he doesn't want to make me feel like that and he does care about me. Believe it or not, I'm not some silly little girl who isn't aware how that sounds, ordinarily, I'm quite a head screwed on kind of character but unfortunately this time my heart is winning over my head.

In terms if doing "mundane" things I meant, we don't just meet for a quick shag...I mean we spend time together, we "date" we go for drinks/dinner/play pool/cinema/we spend time at my home, we cook, or time together isn't not treated as secret or hidden, there is no watching where we go for example ....like a "normal" couple. It's not a case of the odd stolen moment, and maybe that's why I can't get a grip on myself, I really don't know. He doesn't live with her, she doesn't live locally, he sees her on average once a week for the evening after work, sometimes more, sometimes less, I am not even going to begin to say I understand their set up because I don't. We talk about their relationship (not in a negative way) it's essentially like we are friends, but with feelings as well, it is wrong, categorically. I am just trying to give an insight. I feel like every time I respond to these posts I am seen to be trying to justify myself, but I can honestly say I am not. I don't feel good about myself, proud, or superior, I know better, of course I do, and until now I could never have imagined myself being "That girl".