Being the OW

[almamatters]

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

Also uptheanty - why do you feel sorry for my children? I am actually quite insulted by that notion, I have a private life, they are not involved.

Find someone who will commit to you alone. Don't waste your time with him.

I find this thread and the responses so disturbing... I have tried to answer a few times but not really sure what I want to say.
I feel so sorry for the OP, she is trying to be honest and get some advise but without knowing the full story and why she is where she is it is far too easy to say 'Walk Away' 'Find someone else' 'Its all your fault'

I don't care if you flame me because I am in a better place now - BUT I came out of a long long abusive marriage without any self-esteem or confidence whatsoever, I could not see that I was of any use to anybody or that I deserved a relationship with anyone.

I used to work away from home a lot in a small team where I became involved with someone, he was married, told me he loved me, that he wished he had met me earlier, that he would leave etc etc. We went away together for work probably every three weeks or so for 2 or 3 nights.

I always believed that he told me the truth and I loved him. I loved him for far too long, he was my best friend and it ended when the job ended and we could not see each other anymore.

Looking back, it went on for far too long but I look back fondly because he came along at a time when I needed someone to build my confidence, to believe in myself and he did that for me. He helped me to stand on my own two feet and I thank him for that.

Three years later, I still miss him as a friend. I still wonder what he is doing in his life and hope that he is happy.

Sometimes people come into our life for a reason and if the OP gets something from this relationship then all well and good - even if it is that she will never put herself in the same position again. I never will.

I clicked on this thread to give a perspective of an XW who came to rather like the OW. However- that was different as he was very committed to her and left his family.

You're not in that situation, OP. It sounds as if he's not committed at all. you are and will only ever be the 'bit on the side'. You deserve much better than that.

You also have to consider the work implications. These affairs rarely end well.

He doesn't live with her, she doesn't live locally, he sees her on average once a week for the evening after work, sometimes more, sometimes less

I thought you meant he was married when you call yourself the OW OP. I'm struggling to see how you are the 'OW' really, they don't live together, there's no comittment there.
Which kind of makes your situation even stranger. He could walk away from her today with no great upheaval, no house moves, no untangling of lives but he continues to date both her and you. The fact that time spent with you isn't hidden away is because she's not local.

Christmas is a lonely time of year if your life isn't as you wish but it's all over now so maybe start the year fresh and extract yourself from this damaging situation. If it casues awkwardness at work suggest HE gets a new job!

I think you need to read and re read flibbertys posts. Currently you come across as someone who really is choosing the current position and don't want it changed. You describe nothing of the man and what he gives you just how you know academically that its wrong but you cant quite figure out what you are doing it for? You appear to be revelling in some sort of self destruction - if your last ptnr was a massive cheat do you think you are in some way seeking to experience what the OW had with that man? I hate to psycho analyse but you sound very disconnected in your actions and as though you aren't in your life just looking down on it. You hate yourself hes told you he loves her - utter madness. Do this work in some sort of therapy; you have kids - you don't need a relationship right now you don't sound in the right place to be having one but there can be no winners in the game you are playing so take control and sort it out.

It's clear OP that you are just a substitute girlfriend until his real one can move nearer or her can move nearer to her. You just fill in his spare time. Doesn't mean he doesn't regard you as a friend (with benefits) but you are not the 'one'.

If you are ok with this and accept it will only change when he finishes it at his convenience.

Maybe it will boost your self esteem to know that you are attractive but you are going to get hurt and you know it which will damage that self esteem in the long run. Maybe finishing this now before you become too entangled in his life because when it ends it will be harder to cope alone.

You do actually know all this so if you are happy to carry on and think you can cope when the end comes then so be it. I think you are afraid to make the choice to end it because there will always be the 'what if he'd chosen me after all'? going on.

you are not the other woman - he is a man shagging two women. Stop building unnecessary drama around something that is nothing more than a bloke putting it about where he can.

Goodness me

What fenella said

you are not the ow

you are a notch on a bedpost

there are probably more... past, current and future

As has been discussed during the thread, you're right, I'm not the "ow" in the mumsnet sense of the word, but really, they've been together 5 years, they have a long term relationship, I think it's almost insulting to say he isn't having an affair just because they aren't married/don't live together? Like what they do have is irrelevant? Just my opinion though obviously.

I clearly am just creating drama from nothing though, so I'll just get back in my box.

You are not the OW by anyone's definition. You are convenient.

And you know you are making more out of this than there is because you need to feel better about the shit situation you have let yourself fall into.

You will not find anyone worthy of you until you ditch this player. But you know all that.

Good luck - make this year a better one.

they've been together 5 years, they have a long term relationship, I think it's almost insulting to say he isn't having an affair just because they aren't married/don't live together? Like what they do have is irrelevant

lol so you are insulted that we don't give gravitas to the relationship that he chooses over you?!! Your thinking is very slewed OP

They've been dating 5 years, plenty of time to decide to live together or move closer etc, there's no commitment, he gets to behave like a single man.
Sorry if I can't even raise your status to that of OW but you aren't even that.

they've been together 5 years, they have a long term relationship, I think it's almost insulting to say he isn't having an affair just because they aren't married/don't live together? Like what they do have is irrelevant?

Now you sound like a troll.

One minute their relationship is "not that serious" then when people agree with you, take umbrage.

In light of your update it's clear that you're not the ow. He has been with his gf for 5 years but without proper commitment. He is effectively seeing two women.

However, he is being perfectly honest and upfront with you so you can't really complain about that. He sees you as friends with benefits. That's it. He will drop you and his gf no doubt in an instant if the 'right' woman came along.

He's not ready to commit to anyone at the moment. You don't really have a relationship with him. What is it you want OP? Do you want him to leave her and be your boyfriend?

OP the truth is it doesn't matter what we or you label this, the situation is making you feel like shit.

If you are eating something that makes you feel sick do you carry on eating it?, If it hurts to touch a hot iron do you carry on touching it?
The crappy feelings you get from this situation are because you choose to stay in it.
And it is a choice.
Only you can decide when to stop feeling crappy.
He's got his bread buttered both sides, he's not going to change ANYTHING.

Please just stop enabling this idiot to betray his partner and fuck with your feelings.

I have seen the heartbreak of somebody who was the OW for a long time. It was really unbelievable to see the devastation that being with a married man caused to her life. He categorically was not worth it. And if she had just resisted getting involved, she wouldn't have lost a huge chunk of her life to an utter prick.

I don't understand why anybody would willingly sell themselves short and basically share a grubby little penis with another oblivious woman. Yuck. I'm sure you are worth much more than that OP. I wish you the best and hope you are strong enough to pack this destructive behaviour in.

I've been where you are Alma and I'm not going to judge. But it always boils down to what people do, not what they say. Situations like this can drag on and on for years, and it will probably be you cancelling friends and opportunities to see him, unwittingly allowing your life to get smaller and smaller, revolving round him while he carries on pretty much as normal, shagging you, going home to his gf, living his life.

Don't let it drag on until you wake up ten years from now, realising that all the time you spent 'making time' for him, you could have been out meeting new people, learning new stuff, having a good time with your kids and perhaps meeting a great bloke who puts you at the centre of his life. I suggest you give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He has say a month to make up his mind, and during that time you go NC. It will hurt but far far less than wasting years on a man who has no intentions of leaving his gf. If he hasn't made a decision by then, dump him.

Hugs and good luck to you. xx

PS: Everything MzK said. Especially the bit about losing a huge chunk of your life when we only get one life.

Don't be my mum. She was the other woman for 12 years until my father died. His wife must have known about my mum as my mum done 95% of the care when he was dying. His wife had him home for two days before admittance to a hospice where he passed.

My mum never got over my dad and after almost 24 years without him she died. Still single. And still in Kobe with him. My mum have more than half her life to someone who could never give her what she needed.

It makes me feel sad. I'd rather be alone and open to finding someone that stuck being the OW always waiting on the next time it can happen.

OP, he is really not that into you. At all. Unlike a typical OW situation, if he wanted to be with you, he easily could be - there are no children to hurt, costly divorce or financial commitments to untangle. He just can't be bothered. Honestly this will leave you in tatters, you're in love with someone who is just using you for sex in the side. You have to leave him.

So Alma what are you going to do about the situation your in ?

I admire your honesty, Alma - it takes a lot of guts, I just feel frustrated that your arrangement with this person is very biased towards him. He will always have the upper hand. I'm sure he isn't losing any sleep over it.

You will be reading some very candid (and likely painful) comments on here from people who don't know you - we only know a little about your circumstances from what you have shared on your posts.

Unfortunately the situation as you describe it, and the fact you are not posting for practical support on how to extricate yourself from the situation, is unlikely to engender much warmth. If only it could, but its "I'm in love with someone already in a relationship, and I'm unwilling to take any action to change it, because of how I feel".

The man has cannily absolved himself of responsibility by saying he will understand if you want to walk away. That's a clever tactic of handing over all the pain to you to deal with. The sub-script of that is "I'm in control, and I'm such a nice guy, I won't give you a hard time about any of it", but in the next breathe, he hooks you back in by saying ".... but I do care about you". Disingenuous in the extreme.

Alma, you sound like an intelligent person, who is living by your adult decisions. I don't sense any "drama", only that you feel unhappy and maybe want to "let it out" on your thread.

End of the day, only you can change this situation - I'm sure you know that deep down!

OP he's letting you know that he values a relationship that he can't / won't commit fully to, over exploring a relationship with you.

This is not someone struggling with leaving a committed relationship with the complexity that can entail in order to be with you. From what you say there are no particular commitments to detangle if he wanted to be with you, so clearly he doesn't. Which means he's just a shagger and you're convenient.

WildBillfemale in fairness, I didn't live with my DP for the first 6 years of our relationship as we lived a long distance apart and it did involve practical complications to bring our living arrangements together - which we eventually sorted out - but we were still committed during that time. Neither of us would have 'looked' at another person.

Had my DP been running a separate relationship (which he didnt!), I would have definitely classed that person as the 'OW'. Any woman, other than me, would have been the OW .

But I absolutely 'get' why you mentioned this technicality in the context of Alma. I guess there are assumptions we are having to working with, that simplify the relationship of this man and his partner (after several years, I believe she could technically be his partner). I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't minimised or glossed over his commitment, that old chestnut "my wife doesn't understand me, we live separate lives" palarva.

Been there done that. Made me miserable, utter despair w/ends Christmas summer holidays etc etc, couldn't cope more than 7 months. Made me Ill . Stopped it dead, NC unbearable sadness but better than wishing for something not mine. 6 weeks later he had made his decision. We married 2 yrs later 21 yrs ago. It comes down to this : if it is meant to be, it will be. But as sure as eggs are eggs NOTHING will happen if you enable this and you will end up like dH great aunt who has been having affair with same man since1967...she has missed out on so much and yet every year her om is going to leave.. Her only chance of happiness with this man is if his wife dies first -and I wouldn't put money on that happening as dhgaunt has been drinking herself into a stupor for ten plus yrs.