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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being the OW

152 replies

almamatters · 31/12/2014 17:18

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 20:03

He is being honest with you but not with her. He does this because he knows that with you he has nothing to lose.

(Sorry to be blunt but if you stop seeing him he will find someone else to mess around with).

If he told her, he might lose her and he doesn't want to risk that so he is lying to her.

As has been said above, this isn't about him, it's about you, your low self esteem, why you allow yourself to be treated like this and why you choose an unhappy way of life.

Windywinston · 31/12/2014 20:04

So how could you trust him? He loves her, but cheats on her, so what makes you so special? He's already told you he thinks more of her than he does of you, as he's chooses her.

I think it makes a bit of a difference that they're not married, but not much.

I can't decide whether you suffer from low self-esteem or a superiority complex. Either way, this situation will not do you any good. Don't you want to find someone just for you, where you don't have to be a dirty little secret?

skildpadden · 31/12/2014 20:05

What is his rationale for seeing you then? Just because he can? Because he's attracted to you and he feels entitled to extra sex?

He sounds like no prize at all, and if the two women in his life saw him for what he was, neither of them would really want him.

Either he's an entitled man, he loves his partner but still cheats, or he is deliberately keeping you at arms length while simultaneously telling you loud and clear that her loves her .

You must have a very damaged self esteem to accept that, and he must realise that.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2014 20:05

What's the problem? You've been with this man for two months. He has a longterm GF to whom he is not married and with whom he has no DC. Give him an ultimatum.

Relationships end and re-form every day in such circumstances. No big deal.

HicDraconis · 31/12/2014 20:05

Enough with the woe is me bullshit. Sorry but "I don't know how it happened" is utter utter crap.

At some point - probably several points - in your developing relationship, you had the choice to stop it proceeding along these lines. That you are where you are now, head over heels in lust with someone else's current partner - is a direct consequence of all the choices you have made not to stop things in their tracks.

It doesn't matter if they're married or not. What you and he are doing is deceitful and despicable.

You can still make the right choice. Tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he has to end it with his longer term gf first. When he is single you may consider seeing him but only on those terms. That would be the honourable choice. If he ends it with her then who knows where your relationship will go. If he doesn't then you know where it is likely to have gone in any case.

skildpadden · 31/12/2014 20:07

windywinston low self-esteem and inflated ego go hand in hand. People with low self esteems often create dramatic situations or drama bait others because the drama temporarily makes them feel more powerful. It's a very temporary effect.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 20:07

Of course you wouldn't trust him OP. Every time he 'nipped out' and was gone for two hours you would wonder where he really was. When he has his phone glued to him and deletes all his messages you would be suspicious. Anyone would with that track record. If you trusted a proved cheat then you would be extremely foolish.

Snappynewyear · 31/12/2014 20:10

Are you seriously saying you know he loves his gf and therefore intends to stay with her but you are happy in the knowledge you are just his bit on the side? You can seriously love a man who you know is a liar. Who doesn't love you and has no intention of ever being with you permanently.

Are you hoping one day he will see the light and be with you permanently or just accepting one day he will just toss you aside like an empty crisp packet?

If you accept that one day this sexual and emotional high you are on is going to come crashing down around you then just carry on. If you think that a year from now (possibly) when it does you will be more hurt than you will be now by ending it then do what is best for your emotional wellbeing.

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:11

Hic - I meant I don't know how the feelings developed, after being friends, without such thoughts even crossing my mind...i don't mean "oops he fell into my end...how did that happen"

To clarify. The relationship or whatever you want to call it, is not all about sex, whilst we obviously do, we also engage in the more mundane....

I'd like to think I don't come across as having superiority complex, I don't feel superior or like I'm special, I know my issue is self esteem related but equally, he doesn't do or say anything that makes me feel like I need him, he's not taking advance of my being vulnerable, I mean. Although I'm sure that's what they all say.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 31/12/2014 20:13

You want to talk it out with someone who's been there, done that?

Ok I will admit this for the first time in 9 years of mumsnetting.

I was in your sorry shoes once. For four fucking crap years. The excuses I made to myself to justify it. The lies he told his wife AND me. If I could go back to 1990 (that's when it started) and speak to the 24 year old me, I'd tell her to stop it, you will end up hurt, cynical about relationships, your self esteem will rot till you're on the floor, you will lose good friends over it, and at the end of the whole sorry mess you will still be on your own.

A few years after it, a discussion at work brought up mistresses and affairs. I admitted my past. I was asked 'didn't you stop to think of all the hurt you were causing?' And I replied that the only person causing hurt was the lying cheating scumbag in the middle.

So, yes, I've been there and done that and I am telling you to change job, change phone number, and find yourself a man who will love you, take you out and be proud to be out and about with you, going on dates and not sneaking around behind everyone's back.

What you are feeling is not love, it's a mix of lust and competition. If it was a real relationship you'd provably be fed up of the arrogant git by now.

skildpadden · 31/12/2014 20:13

She's not happy with sharing him I don't think.

OP, I don't think you're an 'ow' in the mumsnet sense of the word, I think he has two women on the go at the moment which is different.

I agree with bonsoir, tell him if he wants to be with you, he has to be with just you, and if he doesn't call again, grit it out. It will get easier.

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:13

I guess I am hoping snappy, deep down.

This thread is merely continuing whilst I answer questions that are being asked by the way, I know nobody can fix this but me.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 31/12/2014 20:14
Windywinston · 31/12/2014 20:14

So if you don't think you're special, why do you think he wouldn't cheat on you if he's cheating on her? You're in denial if you think his character isn't flawed. As a pp said, trusting someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy is foolish.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2014 20:16

Just give him an ultimatum. Her or me. Walk away and you'll soon get a definitive answer, one way or another.

Windywinston · 31/12/2014 20:16

Good post flibertygibbet. I'm glad you're in a healthier place.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 20:16

(And hope he doesn't choose you)

gamerchick · 31/12/2014 20:18

Is he spending tonight with you OP or his lady?

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:18

Windy maybe this is where being cynical comes in, I spent 9 years of my life with somebody who convinced me how perfect he was, and in reality, he himself was a lying cheat. So frankly.....I think everybody and anybody is capable of cheating and I will never ever trust somebody 100% ever again! I'd like to think he wouldn't cheat, of course, but I can't categorically say he wouldn't, and it's not because I think I'm better than her, but rather because the dynamics of how we are and how we know each other is different to the dynamics of their relationship...more fool me, I know.

OP posts:
Pasithea · 31/12/2014 20:19

Pmd u

LineRunner · 31/12/2014 20:21

Which is why cheating is such a horrible, soul destroying thing.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 20:22

So, you wouldn't trust him then?

Cretaceous · 31/12/2014 20:23

Because you had such an awful experience, maybe you feel "safer" being the OW?

Original poster
almamatters · 31/12/2014 20:27

I would trust him as much as I would trust anybody. I trust everybody as a rule, just never 100%, I am a big believer in that nobody knows anybody, not really, not your family, friends, siblings, children.....people only show what they want you to see.

OP posts:
Windywinston · 31/12/2014 20:27

I'm sorry you've been through that, but doing it to someone else won't make you happier.

So, you'd rather take your chances with someone you know is a cheating scumbag, who you know will cheat, but you'll be prepared for it, than risk putting your trust into someone who might betray you? Understandable, given what you've been through, it must be hard to try to trust again, but you must see that this situation won't make you happy. You're no more in control of this situation than you were when you were betrayed.